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Dr <keyword id="215430" type="PERSON" weightage="80" keywordseo="Mahinder-Watsa">Mahinder Watsa</keyword> is sort of a celebrity in India. A gynecologist by professional training, this 91-year old (Yes, he was born in 1924!) doctor, residing in Mumbai, is perhaps the custodian of India’s best kept secrets ‘behind closed doors’. In a career spanning over seven decades, he’s spent six of them counseling via his columns, first on women’s reproductive health in women’s magazines such as <keyword id="9540" type="ENTERTAINMENT" weightage="80" keywordseo="Femina">Femina</keyword> and Flair and then on sexual matters on men’s magazine, Fantasy. It was during his stint as a columnist with Fantasy that he realised the dire straits as far as India’s lack of sexual knowledge was concerned. In 1980, he began his most popular stint, as the columnist of the ‘Ask the <keyword id="1204094" type="UNKNOWN" weightage="80" keywordseo="sexpert">Sexpert</keyword>’ in Mumbai Mirror, which are a rage today for the witty retorts to some of the ‘weirdest’ sexual problems that people of the country confront him with. But, make no mistake, despite the absurdity of these ‘sexual problems’, he makes it a point to address each one with the utmost seriousness. He says, “It is a problem for someone, which needs a solution. I ensure I provide them with that.” 
 So, at the age of 92, when his first ever book, aptly titled, It’s Normal, which has been published by <keyword id="1734149" type="UNKNOWN" weightage="80" keywordseo="Penguin-Random-House-India">Penguin Random House India</keyword>, is all set to hit the stands, Business Insider caught up with him to ask what <keyword id="6355231" type="PERSON" weightage="80" keywordseo="Sex">sex</keyword> really means to India. 
 
Q) You have really been there and seen that. From the India of 1930s to the technology-infested, current face of the country. How has sex changed for the people of this country since then? 
 
It’s great the way technology has flowed into the country via the internet. Internet has not only reached the urban, educated populace, but has touched numerous lives in rural India as well. And that is bound to have brought in significant changes to the way people approach sex today, not only in urban India but also in the rural areas. For example, given the easily available Internet connection, people across the country watch plenty of porn. What was earlier an ‘under the table’, one would get hold of porn cassettes and later DVDs clandestinely to watch them, is today just a click away, even on mobile phones. A recent survey has revealed that as compared to earlier, let’s say in the 1960s, when only 6% of college girls would indulge in pre-marital sex in a place like Pune, today that number has increased by leaps, all across India. Students earlier would have to go to sex workers for a little bit of fun just as their exams got over. In fact, the sex-work business would be at its best, when, for instance, in Pune, college exams would get over. 
 
Q) How do you deal with some of the weirdest, stupidest queries you receive? 
 
I see no question sent to me as stupid. It is a problem that the person has written to me about seeking my guidance and solution, and I ensure I provide that. For instance, a lot of educated people regularly seek counseling on unprotected sex. Now, for an educated person, you know that unprotected sex means you will have babies! In fact, this is a huge part of what I solve throughout my day. 
 
Q) What does a regular day look like for you? 
 
Well, before I became a full-time columnist, I've been a gynecologist and then was with Glaxo overseeing their research and development work. But today, it’s counseling, which occupies most of my day. I answer close to 80 mails a day. What has changed a lot over time, however, is the fact that more people are having more sex these days; pre-marital sex is a standard, rather than an abnormality. Girls and boys hit puberty between 12 and 14 years, and given lifestyle changes these days no one marries before 27. So, what do you do till then. Surely, you can’t turn into a Sadhu! 
 
Q) So, how tough has it been to get Indians talking about sex? 
 
Surprisingly, Indians are far more willing to seek sex counseling than one would be willing to agree to. However, what remains an issue is that a lot of doctors that people approach with their sexual issues are far more caged-up and find it rather difficult to discuss these matters openly. 
 
Q) Really? Aren’t they professionally trained to do so? 
 
Yes. Most doctors are uncomfortable dealing with other’s sexual problems. Most gynecologists today even don’t consult patients properly post delivery about important sexual matters like when one can get back to having sex, or things like till when one can continue having sex when pregnant. In fact, this lack of knowledge, to my mind, is one of the biggest reasons for husbands of pregnant/just-delivered women going astray. In fact, I don’t even know whether sexuality is a valid subject taught anywhere, leave alone medical schools. 
 
Q) In the matter of sexuality, no one ever talks of even women enjoying and wanting to have sex, just the way men perceive it. Has your experience been any different? 
 
Actually, I get a lot of cases where men take their wife’s sexuality and her sexual desires very seriously. I’ve had cases where men have felt a loss of potency, when they have had an ejaculation far sooner than desired. Often, such scenarios have resulted in men staying away from any sexual contact with their wives for a lengthy period of time, fearing their wife’s negative reaction. Men, overall are equally keen to get back into active sexual lives with their wives despite several kids. I often teach them the importance of the four ‘Ts—Trust, Spending time, Touch and Talking—the backbone of any healthy sexual relationship.

India’s favourite Sexpert reveals what the country’s best kept secrets are!

<ul class="summary-list"><li>In 2022, searches for threesomes on Pornhub rose by 34%, making it the 4th most searched term. </li><li>If you're curious but unsure where to start, these tips from sexologists and sex educators will help.</li></ul>Of the range of <a target="_blank" href=" https://www.insider.com/guides/health/sex-relationships/sexual-fantasies">sexual fantasies</a>, multi-partner sex tops the list. In 2022, searches on Pornhub for the term "threesomes" <a target="_blank" href="https://www.pornhub.com/insights/2022-year-in-review#top-seraches-pornstars">rose 34% to become the fourth most searched term</a>.But while threesomes may be close to top of mind worldwide for a little adult content watching, the logistics of threesomes in real life are far more complex. From concerns about safe sex to different partner configurations, there's a lot that goes into a great three-way sexual encounter.Business Insider spoke to sexologists and AASECT-certified sex educators and therapists to find out how to have a safe and pleasurable threesome.<h2>What makes for a great threesome</h2>Carol Queen, a sexologist at <a target="_blank" href="https://affiliate.insider.com?h=a5aadd3f2a3270953da4363553b77db148b1692c741675ed76830c7b652e3dc6&amp;postID=6566444cbb2875d248bf494e&amp;postSlug=how-to-have-good-threesome-sex-expert-tips-positions-2023-12&amp;site=bi&amp;u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.goodvibes.com%2Fs%2Fcontent%2Fc%2Fgood-vibrations-sexologist-carol-queen">Good Vibes</a> and curator of the Antique Vibrator Museum, said "three people who are comfortable with sexuality, can communicate well, are attracted enough to each other to be sexual together" are the best group for a threesome. All partners should "have compatible interests and boundaries to have a good time."<h2>How to find a third</h2>If you're in a <a target="_blank" href="https://www.insider.com/partner-and-i-had-first-threesome-open-relationship-2023-7">monogamous </a>relationship, finding who to add as a third party can be a big decision. Queen advises to "skip the friend option unless you have a friend who is an open and openhearted sex explorer — a friend like that might actually love to take you under their wing." Queen added that inviting a friend over and propositioning them is a big no-no. Open and honest communication will be critical to ensure the health of the friendship long-term.If you're not sure where to find a third, Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for <a target="_blank" href="https://getfleshy.com/us-sp-pro.html">Fleshy</a>, suggested joining apps like Feeld or Bloom, which are "geared toward the <a target="_blank" href="https://www.insider.com/partner-and-i-had-first-threesome-open-relationship-2023-7">non-monogamous community,</a> and you can mention that you are new to this and need some time to get to know people before jumping into bed."<h2>The right position will vary with each threesome</h2>Although some positions may be more conducive to a threesome than others, not every position will work in every configuration, and it's important to communicate with partners about what will work for you, according to sexologist <a target="_blank" href="https://www.holisticwisdom.com/">Lisa Lawless</a>."Some sex positions are more accessible if you're a certain height or weight or are particularly strong or flexible," Lawless said. The best position will depend on the type of sexual stimulation one wishes to receive or provide.Lawless suggested the following positions:<h3>Double cowgirl</h3>In double <a target="_blank" href="https://www.insider.com/guides/health/sex-relationships/cowgirl-sex-position">cowgirl</a>, one partner rides on the partner's genitals while the other rides that person's face. In this position, Lawless said, "The person on the bottom gets stimulation from both partners simultaneously. For many, watching their partners in this position can be visually arousing."However, for the person on the bottom, supporting both partners can get tiring, and it may make communication between partners difficult. Be sure to check in regularly.<h3>69 plus 1</h3>Friendly for configurations with two vaginas or two penises, in this position, two partners get into a <a target="_blank" href="https://www.insider.com/guides/health/sex-relationships/sex-positions">69 position</a>. The third partner stands at the edge of the bed to penetrate one of the partners. Lawless said that the side-to-side configuration "can increase intimacy between the two partners on the bed," but be mindful of neck strain.<h3>Virtual threesome</h3>Some partners may not be comfortable inviting a third person into the bedroom, so a virtual <a target="_blank" href="https://www.insider.com/prepare-for-first-threesome-establish-boundaries-group-sex-advice-2021-6">threesome</a> allows a couple to have sex while a third person interacts through a screen in a different location. Lawless said that "app-controlled toys can enhance pleasure and interactivity among partners despite the distance."<h2>Safe sex and proper planning are critical</h2>Michele M. March, a sex therapist at the <a target="_blank" href="https://councilforrelationships.org/therapist/michele-m-marsh-phd/">Council for Relationships</a>, emphasized the importance of safe sex to a successful threesome. "Some discussion of partners' current sexual health status is important." Winging it is ill-advised. "Who will bring the condoms? Will everyone agree to a pause for hygiene needs or for time to use effective protection? Some consideration of who uses what protection — against STI's and <a target="_blank" href="https://www.insider.com/guides/health/reproductive-health/how-effective-is-birth-control-without-pulling-out">pregnancy,</a>" March said will help make everyone feel comfortable.Weiss stressed the importance of swapping condoms frequently. "It's safest to use a new condom each time you go from penetrating one partner to the other or from one orifice to another – and definitely if you are switching from anal to vaginal or oral,"If you're using lubricant, which every sexpert recommended, <a target="_blank" href="https://www.insider.com/how-to-pick-the-best-lube-lubricant-sex-expert-advice-2021-1">consider your options carefully</a>. "Silicone lube is helpful because it lasts the longest, though you don't want to use it with silicone toys," Weiss said. Water-based lubricants work well with both toys and condoms, and oil-based lube should be avoided with condoms.

How to have a good threesome: safety, consent, planning, and communication are key, sex experts say

Gina Gershon is a bit of an enigma — literally.When she appears on Zoom for our interview, she's shrouded in darkness. "It looks like I'm in the witness protection program," she jokes. It's not clear where Gershon is calling in from, though it seems like it may be from her home, given her repeated interjections of "Hey, stop that!" to someone — <a target="_blank" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/C4qEcj2ONOi/?img_index=1">maybe her beloved cat, Louie?</a> — off-camera.For someone who's been working consistently for decades since breaking through with a bit part in 1986's <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/pretty-in-pink-cast-then-now-photos">"Pretty in Pink,"</a> <a target="_blank" href="https://www.cigaraficionado.com/article/i-dream-of-gina-7388">remarkably little is known about her private life</a>. And even more remarkably, people don't seem to pester her too often about stuff like where she lives, whether she's <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/longest-celebrity-relationships-2017-2">married</a>, or if she has kids.Gershon has become one of the rare actors — and the even rarer female actors — afforded the opportunity to vanish into her roles. It's exactly the career she always wanted, but not necessarily what everyone else planned for her.After appearing in <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/sharon-stone-slapped-paul-verhoeven-after-seeing-leg-crossing-scene-2021-3">Paul Verhoeven</a>'s critically panned 1995 movie "Showgirls," which has since become a camp classic, Gershon parted ways with her agents when they disagreed with her decision to take the role of Corky, a lesbian ex-con seduced by Jennifer Tilly's femme mafioso girlfriend Violet in "<a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/the-best-lgbtq-movies-that-arent-about-coming-out-2020-6">Bound</a>," the Wachowskis' 1996 directorial debut."Everyone at that moment, they wanted me to be in a big studio film and to position me more as a big Hollywood star and all that," Gershon recalls. "I just wanted a script and a part to show and to really act in something I was really passionate about."Almost three decades later, people are still passionate about "Bound": <a target="_blank" href="https://www.criterion.com/films/33670-bound">The Criterion Collection re-released the film</a> in June, just in time for Pride.For the latest interview in Business Insider's <a target="_blank" rel="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/category/role-play-series">"Role Play" series</a>, Gershon looks back on working with the Wachowskis, inadvertently becoming a <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/lgbtq-movies-you-need-to-watch-2019-6">queer icon</a>, and being typecast as "motorcycle-riding, real tough women murdering men."<h2>On defying her agents to star in 'Bound' and finding Corky's look in San Francisco lesbian bars</h2><div type="image" title="Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon in &quot;Bound&quot;" height="1535" width="2456" msid="111521219" hostid="261"></div>Lana and Lilly Wachowski have talked about how they struggled to cast Violet and Corky in 'Bound.' Were you hesitant at all to take on the role?I was hesitant to take on any role coming off of "Showgirls," just because, honestly, I was pretty burnt out. It was a very intense shoot, as you can imagine. I happened to have read the Wachowskis' script, "Assassins," and I really wanted to do that script. And for whatever reason, no one would see me for it.When the script for "Bound" was sent to us, my agents were pretty clear saying, "Listen, you are not doing this movie. It's a lesbian, and you just played a lesbian." I'm like, "Well, I just played a bisexual person," as we were saying in the day. I said, "That's very different. And who cares? I want to read the script just because I liked those writers."My agents were like, "Well, it's unknown filmmakers. They've never directed before." And I remember saying, "These unknown filmmakers are geniuses. They're visionaries. They're brilliant. I want to work with them."Is it true that you fired your agents over them not wanting you to be in the movie?I mean, "fire" is a harsh word. They said to me very clearly, "We can't represent you if you do this movie. We have other plans for you."I was anxious to show that I was a pretty serious actress. When I read ["Bound"], A, I had never read women's parts like this. And B, the idea of cutting off my hair, cutting off my nails, taking off 20 pounds of this makeup that I've been wearing for months and months… it was 180 degrees from what I had just played. And I just thought, "Wow, the woman gets the girl. She gets the money. She screws over the mob."The movie was way ahead of its time in a lot of ways, particularly in having <a target="_blank" href="https://www.npr.org/2024/06/23/nx-s1-4893210/years-before-intimacy-coordinators-on-hollywood-sets-there-was-the-1996-film-bound">Susie Bright act as a proto-intimacy coordinator</a>.I can't remember if she was on the set or not. She certainly wasn't there with me and Jennifer [Tilly]. I think the Wachowskis were quite clever in that they brought on Susie as they were writing the script, because she was the sexpert in lesbian love, and she's known for that.She wasn't in the traditional sense what an intimacy coordinator is. She wasn't there saying, "Do you feel comfortable with this? Do you feel safe? Move this way."My real direct dealings with Susie were when I was trying to find my look. Coming in, I was so femme — my hair, and my body was like a dancer's body, and I really had to transform myself into the more masculine side of myself, where I'd really been exploiting the feminine side with "Showgirls." So they were like, "Talk to Susie."I flew to San Francisco to have a night on the town with her, and I said, "Take me to these places. I want to find my look. Take me to these lesbian bars." Although when I got there, I can't remember exactly why, but for some reason, she couldn't go out that night. She goes, "So, I'm just going to point you in the right direction." And I remember going, "Wait, you're kidding, right? I'm going to all these places by myself?"But it turned out to be one of those kind of after-hours nights, and one thing led to the other. It was a wild experience, but I came back and I had my Corky. Let's just leave it at that.<h2>On her 'Showgirls' PTSD and why she's come around on the movie</h2><div type="image" title="Gina Gershon in Showgirls" height="1173" width="1877" msid="111521220" hostid="261"></div>You've spoken a lot about "Showgirls" and defended it in recent years. But did you ever fear its reception would derail your career the way that it derailed Elizabeth Berkley's?I had that fear I think from day one.I just watched it again. A friend of mine, Lili Anolik, who is a great journalist and a writer herself, she's like, "You need to come and see this movie and see why people like it." I've just had PTSD with it the whole time, and for several reasons. And seeing it now, I understand it on a bigger level. I can understand why people consciously or unconsciously like it so much.What ["Showgirls" director] Paul [Verhoeven] was trying to do was just revealing the ugliest side of the American dream. And when you're an actress and you're inside of it, all I kept thinking was like, "Oh, my God, I want to do Chekhov. I want to do the Greeks. How did I get here?"And it was really my biggest part in my career. I'd been doing theater, I'd been doing independent films, but I also knew, "Wow, I better be really good in this, or else I'm done." And so I worked on it like any part. And I loved the part when I first read the script. I just stuck to doing the best job I could acting it, because I certainly wasn't directing it, and I wasn't producing it.As a whole, I really appreciate it in the bigger picture now of what he was trying to do.Between "Showgirls" and "Bound," how do you feel about being a queer icon?I think it's pretty awesome. I love it. So many women and girls have come up to me, telling me how [my movies] helped them accept who they were and how it helped them come out because they hadn't seen that represented in a film before, and that makes me feel really great.On the flip side, after having those two roles back to back, did you have any issues with being typecast?I definitely would get a lot of these motorcycle-riding, real tough women murdering men. That's come up quite a bit in my career. Ironically enough, right now another movie of mine is being re-released from 20 years ago, "Prey for Rock &amp; Roll" — where, by the way, I have another super hot girlfriend in that.But for some reason, the best parts I've been offered, they've happened to be lesbian women. Maybe the parts seem better to me!That being said, to me, with "Bound," it wasn't like, "Oh, I'm playing a lesbian." That movie was always about trust. The big themes in that were how do you trust someone again when you've been really screwed over in the past? And ultimately, that's what Corky and Violet have.<h2>On the one scene she never wants to rewatch and why she thought she'd be written out of 'Face/Off'</h2><div type="image" title="Gina Gershon and Matthew McConaughey in &quot;Killer Joe&quot;" height="1414" width="2829" msid="111521217" hostid="261"></div>Another one of my favorite more recent roles of yours was in "Killer Joe." You have that one really memorable scene in which Matthew McConaughey's character forces your character Sharla to fellate a fried chicken leg. What was it like filming that moment?Years before that movie, the script came to me as a play. And I didn't know ["Killer Joe" playwright] Tracy Letts then, I didn't know his work.I was into the whole thing, and when I got to that chicken bone scene, I really thought, "Wow, I don't know if I could do this eight times a week." I'm pretty tough, but that scene really was like, "Wow." And everyone's like, "No, it's going to be really funny!"So, when the movie version came up, I finally got to meet [director] William Friedkin, who I was already such a huge fan of. I mean, I think I've seen "The Exorcist" maybe at least 100 times.Billy wasn't a guy that says, "Hey, we're going to do a zillion takes." If you ask for take two, he's like, "Why?"But for that particular scene, I remember saying to Billy and to Matthew, "You know what? I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. We definitely got one big take on this and let's just do it." I didn't want to get into my head because if I thought about it, I don't know. It's such an intense, gnarly scene.To this day, the movie is so compelling and it's so well done, I feel myself getting nauseous as that scene is coming up. And it's the only scene I've ever done in my entire career where I literally have to look away and go, "Is it over?"Luckily, Matthew and I work really well together, and there was obviously a lot of trust between us. And he and I never even talked about it. We never discussed it until a year and a half later. We saw each other at a party. We just kind of looked at each other and he was like, "We really did that scene." I said, "Yeah, we sure did." And we finally talked about it, but I didn't want to think about it, to be honest.Another one of your iconic cult classic roles is in "Face/Off." Is it true that you and Nicolas Cage knew each other in high school before working on that?We never really hung out, but we were in the same high school, so we knew of each other for sure.What was it like working on "Face/Off" together?Nicolas is, as he is so often, just completely brilliant. I was so excited to be working with John Woo… just watching John Woo work.Originally I kept thinking my part was going to get cut out or something. I mean, it wasn't integral to the story. And so I would just come up with scenes like, "Hey, what about this? What about that?"It was your idea to do the <a target="_blank" href="https://www.syfy.com/syfy-wire/wtf-moments-face-off-implying-incest">sibling kiss</a>, right? What was behind that choice?I think that was me and Nick Cassavetes. Just an incestuous sort of love for each other. [Laughs]I kept going into Nick Cassavetes' room trying to work on different bits, saying, "Hey, what about this?" Like I was never supposed to kick the guy when I was leaving with the kid, and I kept saying to John Woo, "I'm in a John Woo movie. Let me do stunts. I could do stunts! I'm really into it."My one idea that didn't fly — and to this day I still wish we had done it — I really love the idea of showing up with a shaved head, since Nick Cassavetes had the shaved head. And in certain cultures, you shave your head when you're in mourning. I wanted to show up with a shaved head, which I thought was so exciting.That definitely did not fly. Usually, I'd say to John, "What about this?" And he'd be like, "Oh, yeah, yeah.' But I told him this, and he went, "What? No."You actually <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/gina-gershon-bald-head-faceoff-final-scene-2017-6">told the story about the shaved head idea</a> to my colleague Jason Guerrasio like seven years ago, when you spoke to him for "Inconceivable."I'm still standing behind it! I still believe it's a great idea. The producers, I remember they didn't seem to be so keen.I thought it really worked, but I wasn't directing it, so I didn't get to do it. I was just the hired hand. I had to listen to Mr. John Woo on that one.I'm excited to see you in "Borderlands" coming up. What was it like working on a set of that scale?Complete bonkersville. It's insane. It's just stupid, fun, crazy, out there. You feel like you're a bit in a video game. I'm happy to have been a part of it. I wish I had more to do in it. I wish I could have been working there all the time, but I really love my time that I was there.And working with Cate Blanchett, she's just a dream. I love her so much. And Jamie Lee Curtis and Kevin Hart. I mean, the cast is insane. And it was really special just because we were all in lockdown, and just to be able to enter a new world, even though Pandora's a bit of a shithole and so crazy, it was just nice to be locked down with such a great group of people.I've never done a Marvel movie. I've never done these big, crazy movies. To be really dressed up in these outfits and entering a whole other world was just a blast.Totally different experience from things like "Bound" and "Showgirls."The film is nuts. It's not like anything I've done, so I'm excited about it.This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.The new 4K digital restoration of "Bound" is now available from <a target="_blank" href="https://www.criterion.com/films/33670-bound">The Criterion Collection</a>.

Gina Gershon's agents dropped her for playing another gay character after 'Showgirls.' She doesn't regret forging her own path.

<div type="image" title="woman staring at phone screen at night" height="4480" width="6720" msid="95308042" hostid="261" sizebytes="190498"></div><ul class="summary-list"><li>Before you make a decision, consider what could be lacking in your current relationship.</li><li>Be honest with your boyfriend about feeling disconnected and cut off contact with your old flame.</li></ul>Dear Julia,I'm not sure if I want to be with my boyfriend. Sometimes I miss the freedom of being single. But I'm also into someone else, a past flame who I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with. I've emotionally cheated with this guy and he says he wants to see me. I really want to see him. My boyfriend doesn't know any of this, and I'm so confused about what to do. I'm afraid if I leave my boyfriend, I'll lose someone who really loves and cares about me. Even though I have so much chemistry and history with this other guy, I'm afraid that he won't give me the communication and commitment I already have with my boyfriend. What can I do? -AtlantaDear Atlanta,When your heart and mind are pulling you in different directions, it can feel overwhelming.Right now, it may seem like you only have two options: Stick with the status-quo of your relationship, or move on and give your old flame a new chance.But there's a third option you should consider, <a href="https://www.drchelsie.com/">Chelsie Reed</a>, a therapist and author of <a href="https://affiliate.insider.com?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FSexpert-Passion-Sensations-Intimacy-Indulge%2Fdp%2FB09XB35FFF">"Sexpert,"</a> told me. Taking an honest look at what your current relationship lacks and working with your boyfriend on those areas could help you feel more fulfilled, connected, and free.In Reed's experience, people often avoid this option, whether on purpose or subconsciously. It can be scarier and more emotional work to confront what's lacking in your relationship instead of giving up on it and moving onto a new person."That seems easier, but you don't live with that person. You don't have to deal with their in-laws, whatever financial issues, their mood swings are, who they are now. It's almost like a vacation relationship," Reed told me.If you're unsure how to move forward, Reed suggested building on the love and commitment you say you have with your boyfriend while stopping contact with your old flame.This way, you can focus on making your relationship work better for you, instead of being so torn you can't take action.<h2>Consider why you're enamored with your old flame</h2>You said you miss the freedom of <a href="https://www.insider.com/dating-coach-reviewed-tinder-profile-said-to-add-formal-outfit-2022-10">being single</a>, but also feel drawn to your old flame. Exploring why you feel this way can help you understand what you really need to feel satisfied, according to Reed.She said that in relationships, partners may hide parts of themselves or keep certain topics or conversations off-limits. Whether intentional or not, this hiding is a way to protect from potential judgment.That's not to say your boyfriend is judging you. But if you fear judgment, you may close off a part of who you are, or your interests, when he's around. It's a way to feel safe, but ultimately, it's not a freeing experience.This is where the allure of your new-old flame comes into play. According to Reed, shared history can make you feel like you know someone when they end up back in your life years later. The feel-good memories you associated with them rush back, even if there's no evidence you could work out now.And since you don't fully know who this person has become or how they could fit into your life, it's easier to project your desires onto them, Reed told me.If you pay attention to those desires, and how this other man makes you feel, you could have valuable information about what you need in your current relationship.For example, if you notice you feel more comfortable talking about your negative emotions with this other man, or a particular hobby you have, reflect on whether you feel that way with your boyfriend, Reed said. If you don't, consider why you're hiding parts of yourself.It could have to do with how your boyfriend received your attempts to share these things in the past, or be related to stories you've been telling yourself about who you're allowed to be around him, according to Reed. In either case, there are ways to change this pattern in your existing relationship.<h2>Cut off contact with the other man and focus on making memories with your partner</h2>There's always the potential your old flame could have new legs. It's up to you to decide if pursuing that potential is worthwhile.If you're afraid to lose love, care, and commitment, consider the ways you're preventing yourself from receiving those things from your boyfriend, and potentially outsourcing them to this other person.According to Reed, the best way to foster those feelings in your relationship is ending your emotional affair and being honest with your boyfriend about the disconnect you feel. She said you shouldn't bring up the emotional affair if you intend to work on your relationship, since it will likely do more harm.It won't be easy to let go of your old flame at first, and that's understandable. He reminded you to be excited about life, and helped you see the bigger picture of who you are. But excitement doesn't always lead to love.When nurtured, love can bring the excitement, authenticity, and fulfillment you crave, said Reed.She said creating opportunities for curiosity can help you nurture love in your current relationship. Card decks designed to facilitate deep conversations are a great place to start, like the <a href="https://www.gottman.com/product/love-map-cards-for-couples/">one by therapists (and real-life married couple) John Gottman and Julie Gottman</a>.<ul class="read-more-links"><li><h3>Related coverage from <a href="https://www.insider.com/category/doing-it-right">Doing It Right</a>:</h3></li><li><a href="https://www.insider.com/can-you-find-love-without-dating-apps-2019-6">I've used dating apps for years and still can't find the long-term relationship I want. Is it possible to find love offline?</a></li><li><a href="https://www.insider.com/what-to-do-if-you-dont-like-in-laws-2019-5">My in-laws drive me up a wall, but my partner loves spending time with them. How can I make the experience bearable?</a></li><li><a href="https://www.insider.com/bipolar-diagnosis-in-relationship-how-to-cope-2019-6">My partner was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. How can I be supportive of them without getting sucked into their lows?</a></li></ul>

I'm emotionally cheating on my boyfriend with an old flame and feel confused. How do I decide who to be with?

<ul class="summary-list"><li>Women have reported having orgasms solely from stimulation of their throats.</li><li>The orgasms can be triggered by oral sex or even sucking on fingers or a toy.</li></ul>The first time<a href="https://yestantra.com/"> Dominique D'Vita</a> had a throat orgasm, it caught her by surprise. She was performing fellatio on her partner when she noticed her saliva getting thicker in her mouth. Arousal began to build in her throat, and then her whole body started trembling. "I felt pleasure from my mouth all the way down to my genitals, like waves traveling down a channel," said D'Vita, 54, a certified tantra instructor in Austin, Texas. She's since had several more, though she can't make them happen on command.D'Vita is among a group of women who say that they've been able to orgasm solely from the stimulation of their mouths, tongues, and throats. Performing oral sex, or simply sucking on fingers or a toy, is enough to bring them to climax. Some say they feel orgasmic sensations primarily in their mouth or throat; others feel them extend to their genitals or throughout their entire bodies.Some even report being able to experience throat orgasms from just thinking about fellatio or visually moving erotic energy into their throats. D'Vita said that she's been able to have throat orgasms through breath-work practices like pranayama. The throat is full of sensory cells and the mouth and tongue are rich in nerve endings, which sexologists and doctors say can promote orgasm under the right conditions."Stimulation of any part of the body can result in orgasmic experiences," said the <a href="https://carolqueen.com/">sexologist Carol Queen</a>. "Orgasm is centered in the brain, and some people can experience orgasm in ways that most other people don't even know to be possible."<h2>The vagus nerve, which connects the throat and genitals, may be the source of some throat orgasms</h2>There is no technical term for the orgasmic sensations that some women claim they experience in their throats, but they may be more common than you'd expect.In one study, Dr. Herbert Arthur Otto, the author of the 1999 book "<a href="https://affiliate.insider.com?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FLiberated-Orgasm-Herbert-Arthur-Otto%2Fdp%2F0967118131">Liberated Orgasm: The Orgasmic Revolution</a>," interviewed 205 women, 20% of whom reported experiencing orgasms in their mouths and throats. The researchers Barry Komisaruk and Beverly Whipple, who've conducted studies about <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/241739177_Non-genital_orgasms">nongenital orgasms</a>, have also concluded that people can feel "explosive muscular expression" in parts of the body not typically thought to be erotic. Throat orgasms may be due to stimulation of the vagus nerve, a long neural pathway that travels from the brain stem to the reproductive organs in both men and women. Dr. Amir Marashi, an ob-gyn and the founder of the sex-toy company<a href="https://getcere.com/"> Cerē</a>, said that four branches of this nerve reach into the muscles and tissue in the rear of the mouth, the root of the tongue, the throat, and the vocal cords.The vagus nerve connects indirectly to the genitalia through the pudendal nerve, which stimulates the genitals, Marashi said. This may be one reason that when the throat is stimulated, it can trigger genital orgasms. But because blood flow also increases in the throat when the vagus nerve is aroused there, this can also lead to a climax that may be felt just in the throat. Women interviewed by Insider said the orgasmic sensations often began in their mouths and throats and expanded into the rest of their bodies. <a href="https://www.yoursexdoc.com/">Debra Laino</a>, a sex educator and board-certified clinical sexologist, said that women who have throat orgasms often describe them as full-body orgasms. <a href="https://www.luciapavone.net/">Lucia Pavone</a>, 50, a somatic sex educator in San Francisco, said that the first time she experienced a throat orgasm, "I felt this rolling sensation in my body and sudden euphoria."Edwina Caito, 57, an Indiana-based sex-toy reviewer and writer at<a href="https://bedbible.com/"> Bedbible</a>, said her throat orgasms spark tingles throughout her entire body, resulting in vaginal orgasms with no genital stimulation. Since both men and women have a vagus nerve, this technically means men are also capable of throat orgasms, said Laino.Otto interviewed 130 men for his book. Though 20% reported experiencing throat orgasms, they were much more reluctant to describe these orgasms in detail. <h2>Some women say they have a pleasure point that can be stimulated by deep-throating</h2>In the iconic 1970s porn film "<a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0068468/">Deep Throat</a>," Linda Lovelace's character learns that she has a "clitoris" in her throat, which can be stimulated by suppressing her gag reflex to perform oral sex. While the storyline was intended as a work of fantasy, some women, including Pavone, say it's real: They have a specific pleasure point, like a G-spot, in the throat, that can be stimulated by deep-throating a phallus. Laino said this spot is often located "beyond the uvula, in the cricopharyngeus portion of the esophagus." "For me to have a full, vibratory throat orgasm," said Pavone, "I need to feel the penis in the back of my throat." She called this region of her throat a "pleasure portal."When this area is stimulated during deep-throating, Pavone said, she feels the tissues become "erect and cushiony," like the inside of an aroused vagina. By creating friction on any tissue, "you bring more blood supply to that area," Marashi said. This may lead to an erection-like feeling in the tissues in the throat. Pavone said she needs to be in the right frame of mind to accept a penis that far into her throat. But with enough practice, a person can learn to suppress their gag reflex — just as sword-swallowers do when they teach their throats to allow a sword down their esophagus. Marashi recommended trying "deep, slow breaths, which can help relax your whole body, especially your throat muscles." He also suggested massaging the neck to further relax the throat and maintaining a moist mouth, as a dry mouth is more likely to trigger the gag reflex.Queen also noted that partners should be sober when carrying out the practice. Any toys should be sanitized before use, and a condom should be worn over the phallus to protect against the spread of STIs. She also advises against ever trying to force a throat orgasm by engaging in a sexual act you don't care for. "I'd never recommend someone engage in an act they feel 'meh' about in order to seek orgasm," Queen said.But with the right approach, the feeling of one's throat spasming around a phallus "can feel deeply satisfying and erotic," said Sylvie Bee, a somatic sex and relationship coach at <a href="https://mysexandsensibility.com/">Sex and Sensibility Coaching</a>. "The throat is a very tender, vulnerable place, so it makes perfect sense that someone could feel their peak eroticism there." <div type="image" title="A white woman, whose face is not shown, holds her hands at her throat." height="2592" width="3456" msid="95451915" hostid="261" sizebytes="242244"></div><h2>Ultimately, throat orgasms are all in the mind </h2>That's not to say that all one needs to do to stimulate their vagus nerve to orgasm is to stimulate their throat or suppress their gag reflex. "This is why we do not get orgasms all the time from eating food, a neck massage, or cleaning your ears," said <a href="https://www.drchelsie.com/about-me/">Chelsie Reed</a>, a mental-health counselor and the author of <a href="https://affiliate.insider.com?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FSexpert-Passion-Sensations-Intimacy-Indulge-ebook%2Fdp%2FB09WDQHV5P">"Sexpert: Desire, Passion, Sensations, Intimacy, and Orgasm to Indulge in Your Best Sex Life</a>."A throat orgasm, like any orgasm, starts in the mind, Reed said. Physical stimulation isn't even necessary in some cases; Komisaruk and Whipple documented women <a href="https://www.wired.com/2007/01/exploring-the-mind-body-orgasm/">who had orgasms from fantasy alone</a>, without touching their bodies.That's in line with the experience of <a href="https://yaniquebell.com/">Yanique Bell</a>, 27, an intimacy-empowerment coach in the New York City area. She said she experienced her first throat orgasm hands-free and without performing fellatio. Bell said she simply visualized moving erotic energy from her genitals into her upper body. Then she felt a rippling energy in her throat, which vibrated and contracted. The spasming, which wasn't as intense as a clitoral orgasm, lasted for five to 10 seconds.D'Vita agreed there is a mental component to her throat orgasms. She can only have them with lovers she really cares about. "I want it to feel like the love is coming from my mouth when I have a throat orgasm," D'Vita said, "like it's this beautiful kind of offering in appreciation of the penis."Though the idea of throat orgasms may still sound strange to some, for those who can have them, "the throat is simply another gateway to orgasmic pleasures," said Pavone. "The body is so amazing in how it shows up for you."

Some women experience orgasms from a 'G-spot' in their throats. Sex experts explain how it's possible.

<ul class="summary-list"><li>Anyone can have <keyword id="2212153" type="PERSON" weightage="60" keywordseo="vanilla-sex">vanilla sex</keyword>, including people in <keyword id="684315" type="ENTERTAINMENT" weightage="60" keywordseo="Kink">kink</keyword> spaces.</li><li>Vanilla <keyword id="6355231" type="UNKNOWN" weightage="60" keywordseo="Sex">sex</keyword> and kink lie on a gradient of desires rather than having rigid differences. </li><li>Vanilla sex isn't clearly defined because what is considered unconventional changes over time and with society, experts say.</li></ul>Kink in sex has gotten more attention over the last few years than it has in decades prior.With films and shows like <a href="https://www.insider.com/what-is-fifty-shades-of-grey-about-2016-9">"50 Shades of Grey"</a> and <a href="https://www.insider.com/bonding-intimacy-coordinator-end-50-shades-of-gray-bdsm-portrayals-2021-2">"Bonded"</a> gaining traction in the pop culture zeitgeist, some people may wonder if they need to get more creative with their sex lives. As a result, people who practice "vanilla sex" may feel self-conscious about their sex being boring or dry.Insider spoke to sex experts about where the concept of vanilla sex originated and why we shouldn't shame people who practice it. <h2>What is vanilla sex?</h2>While vanilla sex is commonly used to describe bland or boring sex, its actual definition originates in kink and <keyword id="1173975" type="ORGANIZATION" weightage="60" keywordseo="BDSM">BDSM</keyword> communities. According to Marika Leila Roux, CEO and founder of <a href="https://shibaristudy.com/">Shibari Study</a>, vanilla sex was developed to distinguish sex outside of kink from BDSM and other sexual practices considered outside of the mainstream. Over time, vanilla sex warped into a way to describe sex as mundane or conventional."When people hear the word 'vanilla' they associate it with plain or bland. People often look down upon vanilla sex because of the judgment that comes along with the label," Tyomi Morgan, a sexologist and <a href="https://sweetvibes.toys/pages/tyomi-morgan-sweetvibes-sexpert" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Sweet Vibes in-house sexpert</a>, told Insider. "It's the idea that those who participate in vanilla sex are boring, inflexible, and unwilling to try new things in sex."While the stereotypes indicate vanilla sex is boring, this is far from the truth."Having vanilla sex doesn't mean there is a lack of variety, so talking with your partner about the different things you want to try helps enhance pleasure," Kristie Overstreet, <a href="https://drkristieoverstreet.com/">a sex therapist</a>, told Insider. <h2>Anyone - including people in kink spaces - can have vanilla sex</h2>The important thing to remember about sex is that it is a spectrum. While the labels "kink" and "vanilla" can make the two seem very separate, the difference between the two is more of a gradient or ven diagram. For example, a common misconception about vanilla sex is that people who like kink can't have it. In fact, Roux told Insider most people who practice kink likely enjoy some aspects of vanilla sex. "There might be a few, particularly fetishists, who get nothing out of [vanilla sex], but the essence of kink really is about getting to explore a spectrum of experiences, and yes, most of what we tend to consider vanilla sex falls onto the spectrum," Roux said. <h2>Vanilla sex and kink have changed over time, so don't think too much about the label behind your sex</h2>Roux told Insider because what is considered "typical" is subjective and has changed over time as society has become more open to queerness, gender, and sex in general, "vanilla" isn't a fixed term. "We tend to define vanilla sex by what we consider typical or conventional. Most of us probably think of oral sex as pretty 'conventional' but remember that up until as recently as the mid 20th century, it was still considered taboo," Roux told Insider. "There is no set-in-stone answer as to what defines vanilla and what defines kinky because these are dictated by societal norms that are constantly in flux and evolving." Ultimately, the labels behind the sex don't need to be the most important thing defining your intimate life. Instead, discussing consent, boundaries, and desires with your partner can make any form of sex enjoyable.

Don't feel self-conscious about loving 'vanilla sex' - pleasure is all about variety

<ul class="summary-list"><li>There's nothing unusual about having a kink — some evidence suggests half the population has one.</li><li>A few examples of kinks include bondage, impact play aka spanking, discipline, and role play. </li></ul>As any pleasure-seeker or social scroller knows, a kink isn't just a knot in your neck. It also refers to your <a href="https://www.insider.com/what-your-sexual-fantasies-say-about-you2020-7">sexual preferences</a>."A kink is a sexual interest that is outside of the ordinary," says certified sex educator Javay Frye-Nekrasova, founder of <a href="https://themillennialsexpert.com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Millennial Sexpert</a> and educator with <a href="https://affiliate.insider.com?postID=63f8f209930554455b7ed68c&amp;site=in&amp;u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.lovehoney.com%2F" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Lovehoney</a>. Of course, what qualifies as ordinary sex — or <a href="https://www.insider.com/pleasure-kink-shame-what-is-vanilla-sex-2021-3">vanilla sex</a> — varies by person, as well as cultural context, and so does what qualifies as <a href="https://www.insider.com/guides/health/sex-relationships/kinky-sex-positions">kinky</a>. "It's entirely subjective," Frye-Nekrasova says. Some individuals might say they have a <a href="https://www.insider.com/guides/health/sex-relationships/doggy-style-sex-position">doggy style</a> kink because they like to hit it from the back, for instance. Meanwhile, others might say they're kinky because whips and chains excite them. Still, about <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/289368254_The_Prevalence_of_Paraphilic_Interests_and_Behaviors_in_the_General_Population_A_Provincial_Survey" target="_blank" rel="noopener">half the population</a> reports having interest in at least one non-vanilla sex act. Note, however, that a kink is different from a fetish. While a kink expresses an interest in a sexual act, "a fetish is a fixation on an object or body part for sexual gratification," Frye-Nekrasova says. To put it simply, a kink is something you do to get turned on, while a fetish is a thing you need to get turned on. Semantics of kink versus fetish aside, there's no shortage of things people might be into in the bedroom (or, uh, dungeon). Below, kink educators explain 20 of the most common kinks, outlining why someone might think it's hot and sharing tips for your own sexperiments. <h2>1. Age gap </h2>An age-gap kink is a kink for role play where adult-aged folks act out, and are turned on by, fantasies that involve a difference in ages, says sex educator Searah Deysach, owner of <a href="http://www.early2bed.com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Early to Bed</a>, an education-focused sex shop in Chicago. For instance, one partner might play "baby" and put on a diaper, while the other plays "Mommy" or "Daddy" — this dynamic in particular is known as "daddy dominant–baby girl." One partner might also pretend to be a college-aged student, while another pretends to be a professor. "It's important to note that an age gap kink involves consenting adults (not children) pretending to be younger than they really are," Deysach says. Any illicit contact or conversations with minors is a felony. <h2>2. Bondage</h2>Bondage is the B in "<a href="https://www.insider.com/myths-about-bdsm-according-to-kink-specialists-2020-2">BDSM</a>." In full, "the acronym stands for bondage, discipline/dominance, submission/sadism, and masochism," Deysach says. At its most distilled, "an individual interested in bondage when they are interested in being restrained or restricted, or restraining or restricting their partner," says Lisa Finn, a sex educator with sex-toy emporium <a href="https://affiliate.insider.com?postID=63f8f209930554455b7ed68c&amp;site=in&amp;u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.babeland.com%2F" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Babeland</a>. Bondage can involve anything from ropes and ribbons to zip-ties and saran wrap, and it may appeal to folks for a variety of reasons. "Some people like the aesthetic of a restrained body, others like the sensation of the bondage material on their skin, and others like the way it reinstates power dynamics," Finn says. <h2>3. Cock and ball torture</h2>Cock and ball torture, sometimes known simply as CBT (not to be confused with <a href="https://www.insider.com/guides/health/mental-health/cognitive-behavioral-therapy">cognitive behavioral therapy</a>), is a fetish marked by the desire to have pain inflicted on your own penis or testicles — or the desire to inflict said pain. "This pain can be achieved through pulling, stretching, or even stepping on one's bits," Deysach says. CBT may also involve the use of cock cages, urethral sounding, genital flogging, and more, and she says. <h2>4. Cuckolding </h2>Someone has a <a href="https://www.insider.com/why-conservative-men-are-attracted-to-cuckolding-sex-kinks-2020-9">cuckolding</a> kink when they enjoy watching their partner have sex with other people — either in the same room, or via Facetime or video, Deysach says. Historically, the term was used specifically to refer to married men who wanted to watch their wives have sex with other men, but according to Deysach, the term can be applied to folks of any gender, sexuality, or marital status. "The thrill of watching your lover have sex with another person is something that folks across the gender spectrum can find exciting and kinky," Deysach says.Typically, when someone uses the term cuckold, it implies that <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/why-people-are-turned-on-by-humiliation-2015-3">humiliation</a> is involved, she says. For some people, the act of watching a partner have sex with someone else — for instance, someone with a larger penis or more sexual skills — is humiliating, and it's this emotional sensation that turns them on. "But for others it can be a more open term just to refer to the thrill of watching your lover partner with another while you sit on the sidelines," she says. Note: Unlike a <a href="https://www.insider.com/prepare-for-first-threesome-establish-boundaries-group-sex-advice-2021-6">threesome</a>, a cuckolding scene would have one person sitting on the sidelines.<h2>5. Discipline </h2>According to Finn, discipline is a form of roleplay where certain acts are framed as "corrective" or as "punishment." This kink often involves a more dominant partner setting rules or expectations for a more submissive partner— and if the more submissive partner breaks those rules, there are consequences, Finn says. These consequences can include physical acts like spanking or other impact play or mental and emotional acts like humiliation or testing their partner, according to Finn. To be super-duper clear: "Disciplinary play is a form of roleplay — it shouldn't actually be used as a way to resolve conflict with real-world repercussions," Finn says. <h2>6. Dominance </h2>The D in BDSM can also stand for "dominance."Dominance is the act of <a href="https://www.insider.com/dominatrix-control-bdsm-heal-sexual-trauma-2023-2">consensually taking control</a> or holding the power in a scene or sexual dynamic with their partner, Finn says. While a dominant partner plays the role of "Large and In Charge," the submissive partner should still always have autonomy over the situation, Finn says. For instance, they may negotiate the scene before play and use safewords and gestures throughout. <h2>7. Erotic asphyxiation</h2>Erotic asphyxiation, AKA breath play, is the act of controlling how much access you have to oxygen for the sake of power, play, and pleasure. "When someone is choking you, they could seriously hurt you, even kill you," says sex educator <a href="https://www.zacharyzane.com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Zachary Zane</a>, author of "<a href="https://affiliate.insider.com?postID=63f8f209930554455b7ed68c&amp;site=in&amp;u=https%3A%2F%2Fbookshop.org%2Fp%2Fbooks%2Fboyslut-a-memoir-and-manifesto-zachary-zane%2F18699333%3Fean%3D9781419764714" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto</a>" and sex expert for <a href="https://momentumforhim.com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Momentum Intimacy</a>. This involves an element of absolute submission to that partner, he says. Many people also enjoy the physical sensations often associated with being deprived of air, such as tingling, a spreading warmth, and quickened heart rate. "There's a high many people experience from it when they do finally get a gulp of air," he says. Note: Erotic asphyxiation can be explored during solo sex, too. Here, the act is known as autoerotic asphyxiation. <h2>8. Foot fetish </h2>A <a href="https://www.insider.com/guides/health/sex-relationships/foot-fetish">foot fetish</a> is marked by a sexual interest in feet, which can be the entirety of the foot or focused specifically on the toes, arch of the foot, or ankle. Some people are turned on by servicing feet, Frye-Nekrasova says, which can be accomplished with a <a href="https://www.insider.com/guides/health/fitness/best-foot-massager">foot massage</a> or at-home pedicure, for instance. Other people are turned on by the idea of doing something "dirty" — feet, after all, are usually the part of the body that touches the ground and dirt beneath. "There are so many ways to incorporate feet into your sex life," Frye-Nekrasova says. Some people like to give a footjob, which is essentially a handjob with your feet, she says. "Meanwhile, other people enjoy the sensation of having their toes sucked, or sucking," she says. Quick tip: Use <a href="https://www.insider.com/how-to-pick-the-best-lube-lubricant-sex-expert-advice-2021-1">lube</a> or <a href="https://www.insider.com/guides/beauty/best-body-oil">massage oil</a> while giving a footjob to increase the sensation of slide.<h2>9. Hentai</h2>"Hentai refers to a specific type of Japanese illustration that often depicts overtly sexual scenes and scenarios," Deysach says. A popular porn genre, hentai erotica often features tentacled beings, monsters, and other-worldly creatures. "There is often an element of force and control associated with hentai porn," Zane says. For instance, hentai-inspired fantasy could involve an octopus forcing all of its tentacles inside the receiver's hole(s). <h2>10. Impact play</h2>Impact play is the broad name for sex that involves the use of hands, paddles, whips, flogs, or crops on a partner's meatiest, or most nerve-dense, parts. "Impact types of play can involve light playful actions or more serious and painful sensations," Deysach says. Depending on what the consenting parties have agreed to, the impact can be a form of punishment or just delivered as part of sensational play. For some people, for instance, a light smack on the bum while riding their partner's dick or <a href="https://www.insider.com/everything-you-need-to-know-about-strap-ons-2020-10">dildo</a> is adequate. Meanwhile, someone else might want to be smacked with a paddle hard enough that it leaves marks. Important: "If you do plan on hitting someone, be sure you get educated about doing it safely," Deysach says. <h2>11. Knismolagnia</h2>The word 'knismolagnia' may bring to mind mystery meat, but it's actually the name for a tickling fetish. Folks with this fetish are turned on by the sensation of being tickled by anything from human fingers and feathers, to vibrators or electrical stimulation toys. In some instances, the person being tickled is also tied down, but not always, Finn says. "A tickling fetish is unique because someone is smiling and laughing while they're being tickled, even though it is uncomfortable and intense. There really isn't any other kink where your body responds to discomfort with a reflexive laugh," Zane says. So generally, tickling is considered a more "playful" kink, though it can be very intense. <h2>12. Lactation </h2>Being very into a lover's body fluids is quite common — and for some people, <a href="https://www.insider.com/guides/parenting/how-is-breast-milk-made">breast milk</a> is one of those fluids. "Some people find the miraculousness of the human body's ability to create milk arousing. Other people are turned on by the rarity of the experience, since lactation generally only happens after a baby is born," Frye-Nekrasova says. According to Frye-Nekrasova, a lactation kink may also be tied to an age gap or age play kink, where someone feels aroused at the thought of pretending to be a breast-fed baby once again. Note: Lactation kink is separate from a human cow kink, which doesn't just eroticize milk production. This kink also eroticizes the idea of being dehumanized, forcefully impregnated, and used as a milk machine.<h2>13. Masochism </h2>The M in BDSM and the complement to sadism, "masochism is the act of erotic enjoyment in experiencing pain, humiliation, or intense sensation, " Finn says. The mental or physical pain associated with masochism can be delivered by yourself or by a partner, they say. Note: When with a partner, this pain is always delivered consensually. Non-consensual pain is abuse, not BDSM.<h2>14. Pregnancy</h2>Even though penis-in-vagina intercourse is (usually) required for an individual to become <a href="https://www.insider.com/didnt-know-how-pregnancy-changes-you-until-i-got-pregnant-2022-8">pregnant</a>, there's still stigma around pregnant people being sexual, Deysach says. According to Deysach, some people are aroused by that stigma and feel naughty when they're turned on by pregnant folks. "Other people might have had a particularly electric sexual experience with someone who was pregnant and now mentally associate pregnancy and hot sex," she says. <a href="https://www.insider.com/what-is-breeding-kink-pregnancy-fetish">Pregnancy kinks</a> can also include the eroticization of lactation, darkened nipples, swollen ankles, or any other signs and symptoms of pregnancy, she says. <h2>15. Role play</h2>Role play is a common kink that involves pretending to be someone other than who you really are. "There are lots of reasons why someone might want to try role playing — for some people, it's as simple as a desire to try something new and infuse a little excitement into their sex life," Deysach says.According to Deysach, shedding your day-to-day persona and "becoming" someone else can be a way to let go and enjoy sex more. "It can be a thrill and it can be a comfort," Deysach says.<h2>16. Sensation play</h2>Sensation play is the broad name for types of touch that involve stimulating your nerve endings in unique ways. Sensation play can be done by experimenting with different temperatures — for instance, with <a href="https://www.insider.com/guides/home/best-places-to-buy-candles">candles</a>, wax, or ice cubes, Finn says. It can also be explored by teasing your nerves with tools like Wartenberg wheels, feather ticklers, or electrical stimulation wands, they say. <h2>17. Tentacles</h2>A tentacle kink refers to someone being turned on by the idea of being penetrated or otherwise sexually engaging with tentacles or creatures that have tentacles, Deysach says. For some people, the eroticism comes from the slipperiness or the tactile idea of a tentacle, she says. "For others the tentacle fantasy is connected to fantasies of being restrained by or being 'forced' into sexual situations by an otherworldly creature," she says.Note: As a quick scroll through retailers like Early To Bed, <a href="https://affiliate.insider.com?postID=63f8f209930554455b7ed68c&amp;site=in&amp;u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.goodvibes.com%2F" target="_blank" rel="noopener nofollow sponsored nofollow sponsored">Good Vibrations</a>, or Babeland will make clear, the sex toy industry is exploding right now with dildos shaped like tentacles. "This kink seems to be on the rise as more toys designed to help people explore the kink become available," says Deysach. <h2>18. Urethral sounding </h2>"Sounding is a sexual practice of inserting metal rods into the urethra," says sociologist and clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon with <a href="http://sextoycollective.com" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Sex Toy Collective</a>. Medical term: The urethra is the tube that drains urine from the bladder to outside of the body. While urethral sounding can be performed on anyone with a urethra, it's most commonly performed on the penis. The head of the penis is incredibly nerve-dense, and stimulating those nerves through urethral stimulation can be pleasurable for some people. Plus, if you go deep enough you can touch the prostate, which may, in some cases, lead to a prostate orgasm. <h2>19. Voyeurism </h2>Voyeurism is a fetish where you get sexual gratification by watching other people engage in sex. It's considered a complement to exhibitionism, where you find it arousing to have sex while other people watch. Ethically and legally speaking, this kink can get tricky. "Folks spying on others without consent is a crime," Deysach says. However, it's possible to set up consensual scenarios where you observe others having sex, she says. Consensual voyeurism could include attending sex parties, kink festivals, hiring a cam girl, or paying multiple sex workers. <h2>20. Wax play</h2>Sure, you've heard of lighting candles to set a mood — but wax play goes beyond creating an ambiance. Wax play is a type of sensation play that involves dripping wax onto your partner, or having it dripped onto you. Some people are into wax play because it feels like dancing with danger, others are into it because the heat of the wax feels erotic when juxtaposed to the cool air of the bedroom. <h2>Insider's takeaway</h2>Sex, no matter where it falls on the vanilla to kinky spectrum, is designed to bring pleasure — and that holds true whether sex is solo, partnered, or multi-partnered. Adding elements of kink can be a wonderful way to infuse even more pleasure, intimacy, and spice into your sexy time.Just be sure you and any potential partner(s) you're exploring your kinks with prioritize consent, <a href="https://www.insider.com/guides/health/sex-relationships/how-important-is-sex-in-a-relationship">communication</a>, and education over all else. "Before you try any kink, it's best to educate yourself on how to explore that kink safely," Finn says.In a partnered setting, you also want to communicate about your individual limits and boundaries before getting down and dirty. Then, communicate from start to fireworks, they say. Communication, after all, is a prerequisite for pleasure.

20 common sexual kinks, according to sex educators, and why it's totally normal to have a kink

<ul class="summary-list"><li>Scheduling <keyword id="6355231" type="UNKNOWN" weightage="60" keywordseo="Sex">sex</keyword> can demonstrate a commitment to your relationship, improve communication, and guarantee quality time.</li><li>Plus, the more sessions you schedule, the more you might be open to spontaneous sex. </li><li>Schedule sex on an actual calendar at least a week in advance to ensure you're keeping your commitment. </li></ul>Putting time in for sex on your calendar doesn't sound very sexy, but it may be just the thing you need in order to prioritize romance. When it comes to relationships, oftentimes life can get in the way. Busy schedules take priority over the relationship, and your sex life takes a hit. Scheduling sex into your calendar is a way to make sure your sex life doesn't suffer.Here's how to schedule sex with your partner and the benefits of doing so.<h2>How to schedule sex with your partner</h2>Scheduling sex isn't as simple as sending a calendar invite to your partner. It's important to first communicate about scheduling sex before you dive in and actually do it. Here are five sexpert-approved tips to get started.<h3>1. Set a goal for how often you want to have sex</h3>Instead of just setting a broad goal of having sex more often, it's a good idea to set concrete, actionable goals. For example, you and your partner should set a goal for the number of times that you will plan to have sex each week. Coming to a mutual agreement on this number is an important first step, says <a href="http://doctorjenn.com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Jenn Mann, LMFT</a>, author of <a href="http://doctorjenn.com/books/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Relationship Fix.</a> Research shows that most couples have sex about <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-017-0953-1">once a week</a>. However, this number varies by age. Couples in their twenties have sex 80 times a year on average, while couples in their sixties have sex about 20 times a year.Just because these are the average numbers, it doesn't mean you have to have sex this often. Have an open discussion with your partner to figure out what is ideal for both of you. <h3>2. Be realistic</h3>When you're starting out, be realistic and set small, manageable goals. This can get the ball rolling and help you to build confidence to reach bigger goals. "Making a plan to have sex every day when you've been struggling to do it twice a month is not reasonable. It's better you start with small goals and build up," says Mann. For example, work on that goal of reaching two times a month before working your way up to a goal of weekly sex.<h3>3. Clarify your expectations</h3>"Sex" can be interpreted pretty broadly. Therefore, Mann recommends setting clear expectations so you and your partner are on the same page. For example, is the goal intercourse? Is it to have an orgasm? Does oral sex without intercourse count? "It is important for everyone to be on the same page in order to feel fulfilled," says Mann.<h3>4. Use a calendar </h3>You should mark downtime for sex on an actual calendar, whether it's physical or digital, instead of just keeping mental notes. Schedule at least a week in advance. This will increase your likelihood of keeping your commitment, and it will give you something fun to look forward to whenever you peek at your calendar.When determining the times to schedule sex, be sure to take each of your schedules into account equally. You don't want to end up with an unequal balance of who is compromising more. <h2>Questions to help you schedule sex</h2>You should also ask yourself some questions to aid in creating the best schedule for you and your partner. Mann says answering the following questions can help you start:<ul><li>When does each of you ideally like to have sex?</li><li>Where do you have windows of opportunity for time alone together? </li><li>If you have children, what time do your kids go to bed? </li><li>What kind of obligations do you have at different times of the day?</li></ul><h3>5. Let go of preconceived notions</h3>There's no shame in scheduling sex. It's unrealistic to think that your sex life will be perfect without any effort. "Release myths of what it means to schedule. Many times that has a bad connotation, but scheduling time for your partner in making your relationship a priority is a positive thing," says sex and relationship therapist <a href="https://www.unlv.edu/news/expert/katherine-m-hertlein" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Katherine M. Hertlein, PhD, LMFT</a>, a professor with the Couple and Family Therapy program at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas' School of Medicine.There is no one-size-fits-all perfect sex schedule. This will vary greatly from couple to couple, and that's okay. "An ideal sex schedule would take into account your busy lifestyle but also push you to carve out time for your intimate life," says Mann. <h2>Benefits of scheduling sex</h2>The benefits of scheduling sex are undeniable. Here are five benefits.<h3>1. Demonstrates a commitment to your relationship </h3>Taking the effort to schedule sex and better your sex life as a whole shows your partner that you're committed to bettering your relationship. Hertlein says this is a way to demonstrate that your relationship is a priority, which will ultimately make your partner feel good and strengthen your bond. <h3>2. Improves your overall communication</h3>As you work on your communication as it relates to scheduling sex, this will carry over to other aspects of your relationship. You'll be working a muscle in your partnership that may not have been as active before. "Scheduling sex can create a space for future conversations and engagement around things other than sex," says Hertlein.<h3>3. Guarantees quality time</h3>As relationships progress and life gets busier and busier, you might not be putting in as much effort to spend quality time with each other (such as going on dates) as you used to. Scheduling sex is a way to remedy this. "Scheduling sex is not just about scheduling sex. It is also about carving out focus time with one another which is an important part of maintaining a bond in a relationship," says Mann. <h3>4. Gives you the opportunity to add excitement to your sex life</h3>When you first consider scheduling sex, you might think that it'll take the spice out of your sex. However, Mann says you should look at scheduling sex as an opportunity to add some excitement into your sex life. She says it can give you the chance to put on sexy lingerie, buy sex toys, or find erotica or porn to share. "[Scheduling sex] gives you a platform where you can explore your sexuality because you know you have carved out the time," says Mann.<h3>5. Sex leads to more sex</h3>Your main goal is to have more sex, right? Diving in headfirst and having sex will get your hormones flowing, says Mann. Plus, you might realize what you've been missing throughout the time that your sex life has been lacking, leaving you hungry for more. "Sex begets sex. The less you have it, the less you want it. The reverse is true too when you have sex, it tends to make you want more sex," says Mann.<h2>Insider's takeaway</h2>Scheduling sex can help save a suffering sex life. Putting in the effort to make positive changes with your partner will result in a strengthened relationship. If you're both working hard to meet your goals and make positive changes, the benefits of scheduling sex may extend far past giving you a more fulfilling sex life, resulting in better communication overall, more quality time spent together, and a stronger commitment to one another. <a data-type="5f8863b30afbe7137b0fddcd">How to practice tantric sex: a slow, meditative form of intimacy that can improve relationships, according to sex therapists</a><a data-type="5f048da45af6cc1ed0731298">5 ways to have multiple orgasms for intense, longer-lasting sex</a><a data-type="5f33006ff34d05601b772d33">How often couples should have sex, according to 3 sex therapists</a><a data-type="5ef264bff0f4192094567d14">4 ways to lower your sex drive and maintain a healthy relationship</a>

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