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<ul class="summary-list"><li>At 51, I found myself emotionally raw.</li><li>My feelings resembled those I felt as a vulnerable teen.</li></ul>In July, my husband and I packed the car with a cooler and a stand-up paddleboard for an afternoon at <keyword id="18943508" type="General" weightage="80" keywordseo="flathead-lake" source="Orion">Flathead Lake</keyword> in northwest <a target="_blank" href="https://www.insider.com/what-its-like-living-helena-bozeman-montana-pros-cons-2023-3">Montana</a>. Our annual get-together with my family promised leisurely activity and familial communion over buckets of fried chicken and <a target="_blank" href="https://www.insider.com/what-is-the-best-boxed-brownie-mix-professional-baker-reviews-photos-2022">gluten-free brownies</a>, which I accidentally underbaked. The day was otherwise fault-free: I chatted with my mother while spreading out food on a <a target="_blank" href="https://www.insider.com/guides/home/picnic-essentials">picnic</a> table, swam with my younger sister, and conversed with my older sister on a swinging bench as our father slept beneath the shade of a tree with his hat tipped over his face. A week later, I found myself in bed fighting uncontrollable sobs. My husband was having a nightcap with a neighbor, our college-age daughter was upstairs, and I was back in time, emotionally, to my younger years of late-night sob fests. Life felt overwhelmingly hard. <h2>I didn't recognize myself</h2>At 51, I felt behind in career goals and ahead in age. My daughter's cold shoulder had shifted over the course of the summer: from ignorant to icy. After an argument, I watched her leave the house with friends for an activity we had planned to do together. I didn't recognize myself: a boomer child and a mother of a young adult. Insecurity left me feeling more like an ostracized teenager, wanting to hang out with the cool girls, while facing the inevitable truth of aging parents. After the family gathering, memories of my preadolescent years surfaced. For three summers, my mother attended summer school and my father was at work, leaving me and my two sisters home alone to fend for ourselves, a result of the "free range" parenting styles of the '80s. My self-worth took a hit from the forced self-reliance. The more responsibilities I had, the more my insecurities grew. The more my insecurities grew, the more unlovable I felt. Decades later, the same emotions surged but with different circumstances. Was this normal? I had heard about hot flashes, but did familiar emotions reveal a deeper meaning about a woman's midlife distress? Through therapy, I'd come to be better at coping, better at forgiveness, and better at self-understanding than my younger self. So why was I emoting like a child? Was it unprocessed grief, or was it possible that midlife stress had reignited the tumult of youth — but with higher stakes? <h2>I don't want to lose my parents or my daughter</h2>The future promises the death of my aging parents and a household without children. The sense of abandonment pulls from both directions. Being forced to shape my identity around the absence of family feels like the reverse process of individuation. The adults who raised me witnessed a combative teen who argued for use of the car and who fought for independence. I now want to reject that individuality, to hold on to the ease of deferring responsibility to adults, to have parents who won't abandon me. I also want a daughter who won't abandon me. What do these sentiments mean? Do I fear abandonment, or am I more afraid of what abandonment will make of me? A common narrative for girls attributes her goodness and self-worth to her attachments. My definition of self has long been tethered to family, but time is whittling away the excess, exposing the core of my identity. This vulnerable situation provides a new challenge: to understand my emotional foundations. Shifting my perspective from societal values to personal values has allowed me to recognize the cause of my emotional surge: My belief system demands a change. No longer able to meet society's measurement of worth, I must frame it around who I am in relation to myself. Like the teenage years, middle age is a time of deep, individualized growth. Vulnerable work often has a payoff of increased self-awareness and courageous individuality. By interrogating the meaning behind a personal crisis, we can illuminate the structures that challenge the truer needs of our humanity. Yes, I can live with that.

I'm having a midlife crisis. I don't want my parents to die, and I don't want my teenage daughter to leave me.

<ul class="summary-list"><li><keyword id="12594026" type="UNKNOWN" weightage="60" keywordseo="michael-goguen" source="Orion">Michael Goguen</keyword> is accusing the New York Post of defamation after the tabloid <a href="https://nypost.com/2021/11/20/billionaire-michael-goguen-allegedly-kept-spreadsheet-of-5000-sex-partners/">reported</a> on a lawsuit filed against him.</li><li>The tech billionaire was a former partner at venture capital firm <keyword id="11904329" type="UNKNOWN" weightage="60" keywordseo="sequoia-capital" source="Orion">Sequoia Capital</keyword>.</li></ul>Tech billionaire Michael Goguen is accusing the New York Post of defamation after the newspaper ran a story about a lawsuit that alleges Goguen used his fortune to run an illegal enterprise that recruits, transports, and pays off women for sex. Insider has viewed a copy of a letter that a representative for Goguen sent to the Post, which <a href="https://nypost.com/2021/11/20/billionaire-michael-goguen-allegedly-kept-spreadsheet-of-5000-sex-partners/">reported on the lawsuit Saturday</a> in an article by staffer Isabel Vincent."Ms. Vincent and the Post either knew the statements in the article were false, or acted with a reckless disregard as to their truth," reads the letter from Bruce E. Van Dalsem, an attorney representing Goguen.Goguen's attorneys sought to dismiss the lawsuit, which was first filed in February, in June, claiming the plaintiffs didn't have standing to bring the lawsuit and failed to describe a pattern of illegal activity.Four ex-employees of Goguen's — Matthew Marshall, John Maguire, Keegan Bonnet, and Anthony Aguilar — filed a <a href="https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/21115672-marshall-v-goguen-september-amended-complaint">significantly amended version of the lawsuit in September.</a> In it, they allege that the 57-year-old billionaire used his wealth and influence to run a sex trafficking operation in <keyword id="12594025" type="UNKNOWN" weightage="60" keywordseo="whitefish" source="Orion">Whitefish</keyword>, <keyword id="12024547" type="UNKNOWN" weightage="60" keywordseo="montana" source="Orion">Montana</keyword>, a town of just over 7,700 nestled in the Rocky Mountains.According to the amended complaint, Goguen had an "extramarital sex life involving tens of women at any given time, which Goguen referred to as 'the harem,'" and made Marshall his fixer. Goguen frequently sent Marshall graphic photos and descriptions of his sexual encounters, and showed him a spreadsheet of around 5,000 women he had sex with, the lawsuit alleges.The billionaire paid women to "have sex with him, to perform other deviant sexual acts with him," and had sex with one acquaintance's wife and 16-year-old babysitter, the lawsuit alleges. When people who learned of Goguen's lifestyle threatened to expose it, the lawsuit alleges he tried to have them killed.But Goguen alleges Marshall may have an ulterior motive for throwing accusations his way. According to a November 5 article from the <a href="https://flatheadbeacon.com/2021/11/05/whitefish-security-ceo-set-to-plead-guilty-in-scheme-to-defraud-goguen/">Flathead Beacon</a>, Marshall struck a deal to plead guilty to federal charges of tax evasion and defrauding Goguen. Marshall is scheduled to be sentenced in March 2022.In a statement to Insider, a spokesperson for Goguen accused Marshall of filing the lawsuit in the hope that it would help him with his criminal case, prior to his plea deal. Goguen's attorneys said in the letter sent to the Post that the other plaintiffs are Marshall's former partner, a cousin, and a man who participated in an alleged money laundering scheme with Marshall. In <a href="https://nypost.com/2021/11/21/michael-goguen-fires-back-at-bombshell-allegations/">a separate statement to the Post</a>, Goguen called the claims "ridiculous and defamatory," noting that Marshall was a "recently convicted felon" seeking "to cause my family and I as much damage as possible before his upcoming sentencing.""It's hard to believe that we're at a time in society when disgusting nonsense like this — crafted from the evil and twisted imaginations of a convicted felon to openly and publicly retaliate against his victim — is given the same weight by the media as the fact and evidence-based conclusions reached by the FBI and the criminal justice system," Goguen said.An attorney for the Post didn't respond to Insider's request for comment on Monday.<h2>Goguen tasked his head of security with paying off women, the lawsuit alleges </h2>Marshall, an alumnus of the State Department, began working for Goguen in 2013 to oversee private security operations.Over time, the lawsuit claims, Goguen made Marshall his right-hand man by installing him as vice president or a trustee of various legal entities.Goguen also tasked Marshall with paying off women and property expenses so that his then-wife wouldn't find out about his affairs, the lawsuit alleges."At Goguen's direction, Marshall was being asked to purchase, out of his personal accounts, vehicles, jewelry, earnest money deposits on properties, and to provide cash or other items for Goguen's mistresses, or as hush-money payoffs," the lawsuit alleges.Goguen also asked Marshall to take care of the women in his "harem" in other ways, according to the amended complaint.On one occasion, Goguen asked Marshall to fly to Africa to help out two Playboy Playmates on a safari who said they lost their passports, the lawsuit alleges. Marshall declined to fly there, the complaint continues, but used local contacts to help the women out.Paying and transporting the women to and from Goguen's properties in the Whitefish area amounted to sex-trafficking, the lawsuit alleges. "Goguen would traffic and pay for his harem of women to have sex with him, or to birth illegitimate children with him, often by purchasing for them through means of interstate commerce, cars, houses, and by giving cash or other items of value for these women to be a part of the Goguen Sexual Scheme," the lawsuit says.<h2>Goguen is also accused of asking his security chief to kill people who confronted him</h2>On several occasions, Goguen suggested or instructed that Marshall kill people who confronted him or otherwise threatened to expose his lifestyle, the lawsuit alleges.The first time, according to the complaint, was after Goguen slept with a friend's wife and 16-year-old babysitter. Goguen paid for the friend's wife's legal expenses, which the lawsuit claims made the ensuing divorce "longer and more expensive than it would have been otherwise."He also paid for a security team to track the friend's whereabouts and harass him and his children, the lawsuit alleges.<div type="image" title="whitefish montana" height="1493" width="1991" msid="87875243" hostid="261"></div>The lawsuit alleges that on September 19, 2014, Goguen sent Marshall a message through the encrypted messaging app Wickr, under the alias batman234, where he complains Marshall's efforts hadn't gone far enough."[REDACTED] has pushed me too far and his occasional reminders he might help blow the lid off my personal life requires an extreme response," the message quoted in the lawsuit says. "The cyber route isn't having the impact on him that I was hoping to achieve. Buddy, he's [REDACTED] with my life, career, etc. and the potential for me being destroyed if he gets traction with the authorities or press is significant. This requires an extreme response."Goguen then suggested killing the friend, the lawsuit alleges."He will [REDACTED] destroy the 'bigger picture' for us if he's not stopped. He needs to be killed," the message included in the lawsuit says. "I know that's a VERY big ask but we are in defcon 5. We can discuss details in person but we do NOT have conversations about this on our cell phones. Wickr only…"Goguen then sent Marshall three of the friend's addresses and told him "that last one is up in Lake Tahoe, which is a lot less populated than his other loc," the lawsuit alleges. He also wanted Marshall to target the friend's phones "for cyber crimes," according to the complaint."Marshall did not follow through on Goguen's solicitation to have [the friend] hacked or murdered at 'a lot less populated' location," according to the complaint. "Marshall explained to Goguen that it 'doesn't work this way' and sought to dissuade Goguen from going to extreme measures against his enemies."The lawsuit further alleges that, on one occasion in 2015, Goguen asked Marshall to execute a man whose girlfriend Goguen slept with and who threatened to reveal aspects of the billionaire's lifestyle to his then-wife. And on another occasion later that year, after a hacker Goguen hired refused to surveil and harass his enemies and threatened to call law enforcement, Goguen directed Marshall to "gun him down," according to the complaint.<h2>The lawsuit alleges that Goguen used his Silicon Valley fortune to traffic women in Whitefish</h2>Goguen is worth around $5 billion, according to <a href="https://nypost.com/2021/11/20/billionaire-michael-goguen-allegedly-kept-spreadsheet-of-5000-sex-partners/">The New York Post.</a> The billionaire seemingly accrued his fortune working at <keyword id="12116150" type="UNKNOWN" weightage="60" keywordseo="sequoia" source="Orion">Sequoia</keyword> Capital, a top technology-focused venture capital firm based in Menlo Park, California. In 2012, Goguen told the <a href="https://missoulian.com/business/montana-inbusiness/venture-capitalist-investing-in-montanas-future/article_06a1ceb8-52d1-11e2-8d14-001a4bcf887a.html">Flathead Beacon</a> that he'd been part of the Sequoia Capital team that decided to make early investments in tech giants like Google, Yahoo, and YouTube. A 2014 profile from <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/georgeanders/2014/03/26/inside-sequoia-capital-silicon-valleys-innovation-factory/?sh=a3cda243a828">Forbes</a> lists Goguen as one of the top partners at Sequoia. He began using some of that money to make a splash in Whitefish and the surrounding region. The <a href="https://missoulian.com/business/montana-inbusiness/venture-capitalist-investing-in-montanas-future/article_06a1ceb8-52d1-11e2-8d14-001a4bcf887a.html">Flathead Beacon</a> reported that Goguen had spent "$10 million in personal funds" to help the region establish a "state trust land plan" resulting in the Whitefish Trail; furnished law enforcement with "state-of-the-art helicopters;" and poured money into local philanthropic causes. Goguen said he was just giving back to the community."I view coming up here as a relief valve," he told the Flathead Beacon. "It's a wonderful counterbalance to my day job."Representatives for the city of Whitefish didn't respond to Insider's request for comment on Monday. According to the lawsuit, Goguen's vast 3,200-acre estate outside Whitefish includes a 75,000 square-foot house; another 10,000 square-foot lake house; other houses for family members and staff; and a 25,000 square-foot underground bunker designed to withstand nuclear blasts. The lawsuit also alleges Goguen owned "safe houses" in the area where he conducted extramarital affairs with women, including ones he trafficked.In the lawsuit, Marshall alleges that Goguen poached him from his job at the US State Department, and that the two men founded the Amyntor Group, a private security business. Marshall's co-plaintiffs, Aguilar, Bonnet, and Maguire, were recruited to work for Amyntor. The lawsuit alleges that when their work relationship soured, Goguen conspired to "falsely accuse Marshall of wire fraud, money laundering, and tax evasion to the FBI and IRS." This isn't the first time that Goguen's sex life and financial dealings have come under scrutiny. In 2016, the billionaire's former mistress, Amber Laurel Baptiste, accused Goguen in a lawsuit of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, as well as human trafficking. According to the recent lawsuit against Goguen, the billionaire had at one point suggested Marshall kill Baptiste as well.Baptiste <a href="https://www.insider.com/california-superior-court-sequoia-capital-michael-goguen-extortion-mistress-ruling-2020-1">ultimately lost her lawsuit and was ordered to pay more than $10 million to Goguen</a>, as well as abide by a restraining order. A spokesperson for Goguen said in a statement to Insider that Baptiste is the only person to accuse Goguen of misconduct.

Tech billionaire whose ex-staff allege he kept a 'harem' of women and schemed to kill his critics accuses the New York Post of defamation

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I'm having a midlife crisis. I don't want my parents to die, and I don't want my teenage daughter to leave me.

Barbie Beaton

Tech billionaire whose ex-staff allege he kept a 'harem' of women and schemed to kill his critics accuses the New York Post of defamation

Jacob Shamsian,Áine Cain

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