<ul class="summary-list"><li>After learning my son had a chromosomal abnormality, I experienced the devastating loss of a <keyword id="33680" type="PERSON" weightage="60" keywordseo="miscarriage">miscarriage</keyword>.</li><li>When I saw the news of <keyword id="883113" type="PERSON" weightage="60" keywordseo="Chrissy-Teigen">Chrissy Teigen</keyword>'s <keyword id="1449453" type="PERSON" weightage="60" keywordseo="pregnancy-loss">pregnancy loss</keyword>, memories of my own miscarriage came flooding back.</li><li>The physical pain from the medical procedures in its aftermath were bad, but it was nothing compared to the emotional pain.</li><li>I experienced recurring nightmares, anxiety, and feelings of <keyword id="60307" type="ENTERTAINMENT" weightage="60" keywordseo="grief">grief</keyword> and loss, but my doctors were largely indifferent.</li><li>No one asked me how I was doing emotionally. It was assumed that I was fine. No follow-up appointment was offered. Shame in miscarriage is common, but often silenced.</li></ul>I sat in a hospital waiting room staring at the green patterned painting hanging on the wall in front of me. One hand gripped the other while my sneakers traced the old blue carpet. Doctors in scrubs, pregnant women, and hospital employees walked by me, immersed in their morning routine. I wanted to leave — to run to the nearest elevator and escape — but I waited for my name to be called.Moments later, the surgeon, wearing a purple Patagonia fleece and a low ponytail, greeted me and went over the details of the dilation and curettage procedure. It would be performed following a devastating loss: the miscarriage of my son.The vivid memories of that day came rushing back recently, as news broke of Chrissy Teigen's pregnancy loss. As others <a href="https://www.insider.com/people-sharing-miscarriage-stillbirth-experiences-after-chrissy-teigens-pregnancy-loss-2020-10">shared</a> their own stories of loss, I was reminded of my own grief, and of how unfathomable the days and months after it seemed. And I was reminded, too, of just how little it seemed to matter to the doctors around me. <h2>Two days before I found myself in that waiting room, I received a phone call from a genetic counselor.</h2>Our results indicated that our baby boy had Trisomy 13. <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4543265/">Ninety percent</a> of babies with this chromosomal abnormality do not live to be a year old. We scheduled an appointment the following morning for an ultrasound.The ultrasound technician was bubbly when we arrived, confirming my name, my age and that I was twelve weeks pregnant. But shortly after she covered my belly in lubricating jelly, she began to move her tool faster, searching, unable to find an angle where our baby did not appear still on the screen.<div type="image" title="maternity ward" height="1668" width="2223" msid="78465182" hostid="261"></div>The technician left quietly and a doctor I had never met before entered the room minutes later. "I'm sorry. Your baby has passed," she said. Without time to take that information in, she explained I could wait for the baby to exit my body naturally or schedule a D&amp;C to "remove the tissue."My husband Peter and I held each other and burst into tears the moment she left. Minutes later, the medical staff re-entered to schedule the D&amp;C, and the doctor returned to ask us to leave. They needed the room for other patients.There were two pain management options for the D&amp;C — sedation through an IV, which would leave me with no memory of the procedure, or oral medication, which would leave me aware. I decided on oral medication, which consisted of Ativan and Ibuprofen.When it was time to head back into the operating room, my husband was asked to leave. I clung to him until they wheeled me away.The procedure started off relatively painlessly. The surgeon dilated my cervix, applied numbing medication, and explained each step aloud. She used suction to remove what she called "particles" from my body. When I first heard the suction, I winced, anticipating a physical blow.Because of my positioning, I couldn't see the machine, so my imagination took over. I envisioned our baby being forcibly pulled from my body in pieces. I began to cry. The crying turned into sobs.When the suction stopped, the surgeon pushed down on my lower abdomen. "We need to make sure all of the particles are removed," she said. A young nurse came over to hold my hand, but a stranger couldn't provide the comfort I needed.The surgeon told me I could return to work in a day and could try for another baby in a month. I felt like a little girl being patted on the head before being shooed off to play. "And you should cancel all your prenatal appointments," she added. The unnecessary reminder felt like a jab.<h2>I left the hospital bleeding and experienced painful headaches, cramps, soreness and back pain. </h2>The less I understood about what was happening to my body physically, the more anxious I became. But my physical symptoms were incomparable to the emotional pain.<div type="image" title="mental health depression grief anxiety stress disorder ADD panic OCD mood trauma sad tired cox 24" height="1665" width="2220" msid="78465190" hostid="261"></div>The sadness felt inescapable. With that came anxiety and fear about whether I would get pregnant again, and if I would have to endure another miscarriage. Those thoughts dominated my mind, making it difficult to feel hopeful about my future. The loss also triggered prior grief. Nine years before we miscarried, I lost my mother to ALS and five years prior, I lost my father to cancer. Each death eroded my ability to stay positive a little bit more than the prior. I wondered how many more losses I could endure. According to a recent study published in the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0002937819313699">one in four women</a> experience post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) one month after a pregnancy loss. Although I wasn't officially diagnosed with PTSD, I still experienced the symptoms. I couldn't escape the image of our motionless baby on the ultrasound screen or the sound of the suction, which woke me in the early morning hours the first night after our miscarriage. I cried so hard that I woke my husband. The nightmares continued for weeks. The morning after a nightmare, I would open my eyes, remember what happened, and eagerly wait for the day to end. <h2>I felt exhausted, but my mind was wired — I felt alone, but unable to connect with those I love.</h2>Through research, I discovered my symptoms were common. <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2011.00647.x">One in two</a> women who miscarry experience depressive symptoms shortly after, and <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8123604">two in five</a> experience anxiety immediately following the miscarriage. But at the moment, the American Association of Obstetricians and Gynecologists does not specifically recommend screenings for depression and anxiety symptoms after a miscarriage.The impact of miscarriage is understood, but rarely mentioned. Doctors are not mental <keyword id="6354750" type="UNKNOWN" weightage="60" keywordseo="health">health</keyword> care providers, but they are the gatekeepers to information for women who miscarry. The mental health effects of a miscarriage are well established and women deserve care which acknowledges that fact.No one asked me how I was doing emotionally. It was assumed that I was fine. No follow-up appointment was offered. Shame in miscarriage is common, but often silenced.<h2>Because I had experienced significant grief before, I recognized that my mental health was not well, and I needed help </h2>If I was going to get better, I needed to start talking. I began to share my story with family and friends, asking for support. I continued to see a therapist. My husband and I spoke often of our loss and supported each other through the grief we faced together and individually. There was never a magic moment when the pain suddenly left. But with time it became more bearable. The more I shared, the less I felt ashamed of my experience, and the more I recognized that despite its commonality, miscarriage is a loss, which can take a significant emotional toll.<div type="image" title="medical health pregnancy baby parenting childbirth cox 1" height="1666" width="2222" msid="78465194" hostid="261"></div> Weeks ago, over a year after our miscarriage, I left the hospital after giving birth to a baby girl. Almost every day since, I have breathed in her newborn scent and stared at her in amazement. I understand how lucky we are to have a healthy baby. As I breastfed her at 5 o'clock this morning, exhausted from sleeping only two hours at a time during the night, I read Chrissy Teigen's Instagram post. "We are. . . in the kind of deep pain you only hear about," she wrote on Instagram as she bravely shared the news of her pregnancy loss. Holding my daughter, my face was covered in tears by the final words of the post. Her words reminded me of the emotional pain we endured not long ago. The birth of my daughter does not erase that experience or our loss. Rather, our baby boy who passed is now a part of my story that I am no longer afraid to accept.Katie C. Reilly is an attorney and writer. Her work primarily focuses on women's health, grief and social justice issues. Read more: <a href="https://www.insider.com/people-sharing-miscarriage-stillbirth-experiences-after-chrissy-teigens-pregnancy-loss-2020-10">Chrissy Teigen fans are sharing their heartbreaking experiences with pregnancy loss after she posted about losing her son</a><a href="https://www.insider.com/having-a-baby-pregnancy-coronavirus-pandemic-2020-3">I'm nine months pregnant, and I'm bringing my baby into a world I no longer understand. I have to remain hopeful anyway.</a><a href="https://www.insider.com/beyonce-miscarriages-self-care-motherhood-2019-12">Beyonce says having miscarriages taught her to mother herself before she could be a mom to anyone else</a>

The unspeakable devastation of losing a pregnancy

<ul class="summary-list"><li>"<keyword id="9951257" type="UNKNOWN" weightage="60" keywordseo="the-great-british-baking-show">The Great British Baking Show</keyword>" tests home bakers in the UK on their kitchen skills through three competitive rounds each episode: signature, technical, and showstopper challenges.</li><li>On October 30, the show's "Japanese Week" episode was released in the US on <keyword id="128682" type="COMPANY" weightage="60" keywordseo="Netflix">Netflix</keyword>.</li><li>Viewers on Twitter said that contestants were infusing their bakes with flavors from other Asian countries, like China and India. </li><li>Insider spoke to pastry chef Tomoko Kato of <a href="https://www.instagram.com/patisserietomoko/?hl=en">Patisserie Tomoko</a>, who believes that Japanese cuisine has "room for both traditional and nontraditional" baking.</li></ul>"The Great British Baking Show" released its "Japanese Week" episode stateside on October 30 on Netflix, and viewers on both sides of the Atlantic haven't been impressed with how the series represented Japanese baking.Specifically, many felt that the episode conflated different types of Asian cuisine, echoing the racist stereotype that all Asian cultures are the same.Tomoko Kato, the executive pastry chef and owner of New York pastry shop <a href="https://patisserietomoko.com/">Patisserie Tomoko</a>, told Insider that while she can understand the criticism of the show's episode, she feels "there is room for both traditional and nontraditional" baking in Japanese cuisine.<h2>The 'Japanese Week' episode was a hot topic on Twitter when it aired, with viewers calling out contestants using non-Japanese flavors</h2>On Twitter, viewers called out the lack of any "actual Japanese desserts" featured in the episode's three challenges and how a number of bakers opted to use Indian and Chinese flavors in their bakes.<blockquote class="twitter-tweet blockquote" data-lang="en" data-cards="" data-conversation="">—Mandana (@LimooTorshQueen) <a href="https://twitter.com/mims/statuses/1322903854577557504?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 1, 2020</a></blockquote><blockquote class="twitter-tweet blockquote" data-lang="en" data-cards="" data-conversation="">—Chelsea Cirruzzo (@ChelseaCirruzzo) <a href="https://twitter.com/mims/statuses/1322694083182288896?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 1, 2020</a></blockquote>Some contestants were aware that they'd used non-Japanese flavors in their bakes. Peter Sawkins admitted that his lamb-filled and lamb-shaped steamed buns were "more Chinese-inspired than Japanese-inspired," while Laura Adlington's "piggy pork belly bun" used <a href="https://www.weekinchina.com/2018/06/hoisin-sauce/">hoisin</a> and <a href="https://www.scmp.com/magazines/post-magazine/food-drink/article/2144707/made-hong-kong-history-lee-kum-kees-oyster-sauce">oyster sauces</a>, both of which are more commonly found in Chinese cooking."The Japanese element of it is the bun, but this is probably more traditional Chinese-flavored pork," Adlington said to the cameras during the challenge.<div type="image" title="The great british baking show" height="1548" width="2064" msid="79154326" hostid="261"></div>Indian flavors, like Chinese flavors, were also represented in the first challenge. For example, contestant Marc Elliot used <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=RL6LAwAAQBAJ&amp;q=dal#v=snippet&amp;q=dal&amp;f=false&amp;f=false">dal</a> (lentils) and mango chutney in his steamed buns.While another contestant, Hermine, made her steamed buns with shittake mushrooms (a common type of mushroom in Japanese cuisine), spiced chicken, and fresh chili, she shaped them like pandas — an animal that's <a href="https://nationalzoo.si.edu/animals/giant-panda#:~:text=Native%20to%20central%20China%2C%20giant,breeding%20centers%20around%20the%20world.">native to central China</a>, not <keyword id="6355311" type="UNKNOWN" weightage="60" keywordseo="japan">Japan</keyword>, as some on Twitter pointed out.<blockquote class="twitter-tweet blockquote" data-lang="en" data-cards="" data-conversation="">—yoojin (@yoojpls) <a href="https://twitter.com/mims/statuses/1322254228153266176?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 30, 2020</a></blockquote>Some also pointed out a possible issue with the root of the first round signature challenge: that steamed buns are actually Chinese in origin, not Japanese (though <a href="https://www.delish.com/cooking/recipe-ideas/a33516689/steamed-buns-baozi-recipe/">there are many variations on steamed buns</a> in other cultures, including Japan).<blockquote class="twitter-tweet blockquote" data-lang="en" data-cards="" data-conversation="">—Jenny Pei (@ynpjenny) <a href="https://twitter.com/mims/statuses/1321190457758650368?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 27, 2020</a></blockquote><blockquote class="twitter-tweet blockquote" data-lang="en" data-cards="" data-conversation="">—Kazuho Oku (@kazuho) <a href="https://twitter.com/mims/statuses/1322034863466184704?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 30, 2020</a></blockquote>The mixing in of other, non-Japanese Asian cuisines wasn't the only issue viewers had with the episode.Several called out one culturally insensitive moment when cohost Matt Lucas made a joke about "cat poo curry" as a play on the katsu curry contestant David Friday said he'd used in his steamed buns."Pardon me but what f------ is this," <a href="https://twitter.com/lindseywasson/status/1322391231440195584">journalist Lindsey Wasson wrote on Twitter.</a> "7 mins in &amp; we've had a 'cat poo curry' (katsu curry joke)," she added.<blockquote class="twitter-tweet blockquote" data-lang="en" data-cards="" data-conversation="">—Lindsey Wasson (@lindseywasson) <a href="https://twitter.com/mims/statuses/1322391231440195584?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 31, 2020</a></blockquote><h2>Contestants often use nontraditional ingredients on 'The Great British Baking Show'</h2>While the series has increasingly featured cuisine-focused episodes like "Japanese Week" in recent years, each episode ordinarily just focuses on one type of bake, like cake, biscuits, or bread. Bakers have been known to get creative (and nontraditional) with their flavors in those weeks, infusing flavors and ingredients from around the world into traditionally British or French bakes.Two notable examples this season include Hermine's <a href="https://thegreatbritishbakeoff.co.uk/recipes/all/hermine-moroccan-tagine-pasties/">Moroccan Tagine Pasties</a>, which featured Moroccan flavors in a traditional Cornish pastry, and Mak's <a href="https://thegreatbritishbakeoff.co.uk/recipes/all/mak-east-india-battenberg/">East India Battenberg Cake</a>.<div type="image" title="the great british baking show" height="1570" width="2094" msid="79154328" hostid="261"></div><h2>Japanese pastry chef Tomoko Kato told Insider she believes 'there is room for both traditional and nontraditional' baking</h2>Kato breaks in opinion from the consensus on Twitter, though she doesn't think the critiques are entirely wrong."I can understand the criticism, but it personally doesn't bother me very much," Kato said."There is a style of Japanese cooking that strictly follows tradition," she continued. "But that was not part of any of [the show's] challenges. Japan has so many distinct <keyword id="6181" type="COMPANY" weightage="100" keywordseo="Food">food</keyword> styles and specialties. There is room for both traditional and nontraditional."Regarding viewers' point about steamed buns being included, Kato said that in Japan, the steamed bun, which is called "<a href="https://food52.com/recipes/10691-nikuman-japanese-steamed-buns">nikuman</a>" in the country, has become a part of the food culture.That said, Kato did wonder why "The Great British Baking Show" chose nikuman specifically and pointed out that there are plenty of other breads, like kare pan and anman, that the show might have highlighted instead. "[Kare pan and anman] are more like Japanese to me," Kato said.<a href="https://www.newyorker.com/culture/kitchen-notes/japanese-curry-bread-a-food-fit-for-quarantine">Bryan Washington wrote for The New Yorker in April</a> that "kare pan is a little like a savory jelly doughnut, with a pool of curry filling encased in a deep-fried yeasted crust." According to Washington, kare pan can be traced back to a Tokyo bakery in the 1920s.<a href="https://www.tastemade.com/videos/how-to-make-anman">Anman</a>, another traditional Japanese snack, is a steamed bun filled with anko, or red bean paste, per Tastemade.For the technical challenge, the bakers were asked to make matcha crêpe cakes, which Kato said was a fitting task for Japan-themed baking.Crêpes themselves are <a href="https://www.ice.edu/blog/french-crepes">French in origin</a>, per the Institute of Culinary Education. However, Kato told Insider that French baking has influenced Japanese baking in a big way, and said making crêpe cakes was a "totally appropriate" challenge to include in the episode. "In Japan, French patisseries are very common," Kato said. "You often see Japanese chefs studying abroad and returning to Japan with those influences. And France isn't the only baking style that you see influencing Japan. One of my favorite cakes in Japan is the German Baumkuchen."As for the kawaii cakes the bakers were asked to make for the final showstopper challenge, Kato told Insider that this baking trend is popular in Japan. <div type="image" title="The Great British Baking Show" height="1593" width="2124" msid="79154330" hostid="261"></div>"There is a clear kawaii aesthetic. You do find it in Japanese baking, but I would say the more classic French pastries are more popular in Japan," she said.Despite not being bothered much by how the show represented Japanese baking, Kato did have some suggestions for improvement. She said it might be a good idea to include popular Japanese desserts, like the Japanese cheesecake, if the show does another "Japanese Week" episode in the future.<h2>This isn't the first controversial moment of the season — or the series</h2>During "Bread Week," judge Prue Leith elicited minor outrage after she said fellow judge Paul Hollywood's version of the babka was better than any she'd had in New York. <div type="image" title="Paul Hollywood Prue Leith babka" height="905" width="1206" msid="79154333" hostid="261"></div>"I have had it in New York and it's not nearly as nice as this," Leith said. Her response riled up quite a few viewers who <a href="https://www.insider.com/new-yorkers-bakers-react-to-prue-leith-babka-comment-2020-10">came to New York babka's defense</a> and jokingly called her comments "blasphemy."Over the years, viewers and food publications have argued that the show has a complicated relationship with cultural bakes. "Anyone who's watched ['The Great British Baking Show'] also knows how prickly the judges get when they think something has too much spice, how easily they exoticize non-British foods, and how the standard marker of a good baker is their ability to make a Victoria Sponge," Jaya Saxena <a href="https://www.eater.com/2020/2/11/21132988/ruby-tandoh-writes-about-being-a-person-of-color-on-great-british-bake-off">wrote for Eater in February</a>. Saxena echoed Sana Noor Haq, <a href="https://gal-dem.com/the-great-british-bake-off-has-a-problem-with-spices/">who wrote for Gal-Dem in September 2019</a> that "The Great British Baking Show" has "a problem with spice." On the flip side, some of the show's diverse former contestants have defended the series against accusations of whitewashing. Ruby Tandoh, who appeared on the show's fourth season, wrote a Medium post for Heated in February, saying that while the show is "steeped as it is in the symbolism of an old-fashioned, implicitly white Britishness," it continues to promote <a href="https://heated.medium.com/how-great-british-bake-off-is-a-strange-vehicle-for-change-eba7dd140079">diverse talent</a>.<a href="https://www.nadiyahussain.com/about-me/">Nadiya Hussain, the winner of the sixth season,</a> went on to become a successful cookbook author and writes a weekly column for The Times. <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/winners-of-great-british-bake-off-where-what-doing-now/rahul-mandal/">Rahul Mandal, the winner of the ninth season</a>, also writes for The Times. <a href="https://www.benjaminaebuehi.com/about">Benjamina Ebuehi</a>, a quarter-finalist on season seven, is a food stylist and baker, and published a cookbook, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/New-Way-Cake-Recipes-Exceptional/dp/1624148670/ref=asc_df_1624148670/?tag=hyprod-20&amp;linkCode=df0&amp;hvadid=385498800369&amp;hvpos=&amp;hvnetw=g&amp;hvrand=6927128115567041710&amp;hvpone=&amp;hvptwo=&amp;hvqmt=&amp;hvdev=c&amp;hvdvcmdl=&amp;hvlocint=&amp;hvlocphy=9004335&amp;hvtargid=pla-837836372375&amp;psc=1&amp;tag=&amp;ref=&amp;adgrpid=78303887746&amp;hvpone=&amp;hvptwo=&amp;hvadid=385498800369&amp;hvpos=&amp;hvnetw=g&amp;hvrand=6927128115567041710&amp;hvqmt=&amp;hvdev=c&amp;hvdvcmdl=&amp;hvlocint=&amp;hvlocphy=9004335&amp;hvtargid=pla-83783637237528115567041710&amp;hvqmt=&amp;hvdev=c&amp;hvdvcmdl=&amp;hvlocint=&amp;hvlocphy=9004335&amp;hvtargid=pla-837836372375">"The New Way to Cake,"</a> in 2019. Ebuehi also runs her own blog, <a href="https://www.carrotandcrumb.com/">Carrot &amp; Crumb.</a>Netflix did not immediately respond to Insider's request for comment. "The Great British Baking Show" is currently streaming on Netflix. To watch, you'll need to sign up for a <a href="https://www.netflix.com/">Netflix</a> subscription. The basic plan costs $8.99 per month, while the standard plan costs $12.99 per month, and the premium plan costs $15.99 per month. (When you subscribe to a service through our links, we may earn money from our affiliate partners.)<ul class="read-more-links"><li>Read more:</li><li><a href="https://www.insider.com/great-british-bake-off-has-different-name-in-america-trademark-2020-10">'The Great British Bake Off' has a different name in the US because of a Pillsbury trademark</a></li><li><a href="https://www.insider.com/new-yorkers-bakers-react-to-prue-leith-babka-comment-2020-10">'The Great British Baking Show' judge Prue Leith's criticism of New York City's babka is rubbing people the wrong way, and even bakers are weighing in</a></li><li><a href="https://www.insider.com/the-great-british-bake-off-filming-2016-8">'The Great British Bake Off' is the best food show on TV</a></li><li><a href="https://www.insider.com/kate-middleton-prince-louis-first-words-mary-berry-cookbooks-2019-12">Kate Middleton revealed one of Prince Louis' first words was 'Mary,' because of all the former 'Great British Baking Show' judge Mary Berry's cookbooks in her kitchen</a></li></ul>

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