Zoom funerals are a new reality in quarantine. This is what they're like.

• Many mourning families and friends are having to lay their loved ones to rest through Zoom, as they're unable to convene in person due to COVID-19 lockdown laws.
• David Kessler, a grief expert, says it's important to maintain rituals during this time of mass grieving.
• Zoom funeral attendees are finding both comfort and difficulties in having to participate in a ceremony of grief while also being socially distant.
• Visit Insider's homepage for more stories.

Few words mark the bleakness of the COVID-19 era more than "Zoom Funeral."

In another time, the words "Zoom" and "funeral" together might have been just a dark mad-lib, but with over 258,000+ COVID-19-related deaths (on top of deaths from other causes) to date and a ban on large gatherings in many states, digital funerals are a reality for many grieving Americans in quarantine.

Funeral arrangements have become difficult to plan, and in instances where mourners have attempted to gather, law enforcement has stepped in. For funeral homes, directors and staff are put in the difficult position of trying to socially distance during the ceremonies or arrange a virtual funeral for those who cannot attend in-person. Hence, Zoom funerals are sometimes the best option.

Zoom, a video conferencing app that's seen major spikes in use since lockdown, is now being used in entirely unprecedented ways, including for funerals for those who have lost a loved one during this time.

Fitting the ceremony onto a computer screen has come with hardships.

David Kessler, a grief expert and the founder of grief.com, says there have only been a few instances in recent history when mourners haven't been able to grieve in person.

"It's been rare in history that this has happened. We've been through 9/11, we've been through the AIDS epidemic, we've been through shootings, and [we're] always allowed to bury the dead. We've always been allowed to gather," says Kessler, citing World War II as the last time when the physical inability to hold ceremony presented itself.

Ceremonies, particularly those rooted in grief and loss, are a staple of the human experience. Nearly every major culture in the world acknowledges and accepts death in some way or another, but with the physical barriers that COVID-19 presents, Zoom funerals are now one of our only options to honor the dead in real-time.

What it's like to attend a Zoom funeral.

Samantha Ressler, co-founder of the We the Women Collective, is one of the many who have recently attended a Zoom funeral for a family member. She describes the experience as "something she wouldn't wish on her worst enemy."

When Ressler's uncle passed, the family was unable to convene altogether as one normally would in a normal funeral procession. Only Ressler's brother and sister, as well as a handful of cousins (two children for every sibling of the deceased), went to Mt. Pleasant in New York, where a rabbi (in gloves and a mask) laid the body to rest with a prayer. Each member brought photos of the extended family to represent those who couldn't make it, including Ressler. The rest of the family Zoomed in (22 attendees in total).

Ressler said the virtual aspect of the ceremony came with a sense of guilt. "It was just impersonal," she noted. "But I think we did the best we could with the circumstances. There are so many things we take for granted, like ritual. I didn't realize how important they are because we are engrained with these rituals when someone dies."

She said that without the communal rituals, "It just felt isolating, not that it's anyone's fault."

How attendees cope with the reality of a virtual funeral.

It is not unusual, or unexpected, for mourners to have difficulties with the idea of a Zoom funeral, but according to Kessler, a ritual — even a digital one — is better than nothing. Even virtually, there can be something cathartic about grieving as a collective. "Grief must be witnessed; we weren't meant to be islands of grief," says Kessler.

Kessler's only advice for virtual attendees is to treat the funeral in its entirety as a ritual. "There's no right or wrong in grief, so there's no right or wrong way to do a virtual funeral. But the more it parallels a real funeral, the better," he said. "I tell people that our work is to grieve with more love than pain."

Even the process leading up to a funeral – making arrangements and dressing the part — allows for the ceremony to feel more real. Funerals, as a whole, serve a purpose in the progression of grief, though not necessarily as the means to the end of it.

"There's something primal about those rituals, and I tell people, when you do them, don't do it with a sense of completion like you're done now. Do it in a way that leaves it open, where in three months, if you want to have a physical gathering, the idea is open. It doesn't have to be a finite thing," says Kessler.

Some, like Jenna (who asked her surname not to be shared), leaned into the community aspect of it. When Jenna's great aunt passed away from COVID-19, the family organized the Jewish tradition of Shiva — a week-long mourning period in Judaism — while being separated. The virtual event was organized by Jenna's great aunt's daughter in Israel, where they had a large family Zoom on the 7th day of her sitting Shiva.

"My fiance and I, not having family close by, makes it feel like we are cut off from everyone. It really just felt soothing to have a chance to all come together to support each other through this time," she told Insider. "Zoom, or any digital platform, allows us to create a sense of community when we are so cut off from ours right now. Having the ability to surround yourself with people, even when they are not physically there, just means so much in this time, especially when dealing with the death of a loved one," she said.