- I was so excited to be in my best friend's bridal party, but that feeling soon gave way to anxiety.
- It seemed there was an unspoken "bridesmaid hierarchy" based on who was doing what for her.
During the happy hour of my best friend's wedding, I began to overanalyze a handful of things, ruminating on intrusive thoughts. Questions like "Why am I sitting at the far end of the bridal-party table?" and "Is there any significance behind the array of colors we're wearing?" and, finally, "What was the thought behind me walking in with this specific groomsman?" ran through my mind.
While these were simple planning decisions she had to make before her big day, I unfortunately found myself correlating them with the value and closeness of our friendship. I was also curious whether the other people were feeling the same way as we took on the traditional bridesmaid duties of supporting our best friend.
From the tasks we performed during the bridal shower and the bachelorette party to our positioning in the wedding pictures and at the ceremony, every detail created a competitive hierarchy that I hadn't anticipated after being asked to be a bridesmaid. And it was messing with me.
I was so excited to be my best friend's bridesmaid
We've been best friends since college, and I was so hyped when she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids.
In the months leading up to the wedding, we would have long calls to catch up on life and chat about where she was in her wedding-planning process. I loved hearing all the little details she was excited about, like the special cocktail they were naming after their newly adopted puppy and the colorful doughnut table they were having at the reception as a nod to her love of the treat.
When it came to making her bridesmaids feel special, she naturally went over the top. She's always made her close people feel cared for, and her big day was no different. On the day of the wedding we all received a package with a handwritten note expressing how grateful she was for our love and support.
In the lead-up to the wedding, my anxiety built
Initially I felt excited about all the festivities leading up to the wedding. Never having been a bridesmaid before, I didn't know how to best support my best friend through each event.
I wasn't expecting becoming a bridesmaid to throw my relationship with her into question and create an undercurrent of competition among those she'd chosen to stand beside her — but soon that's what happened.
"Where was the couple in this picture?" the maid of honor asked as she flashed a picture of my friend and her fiancé in high school. She'd planned a game to see how well we knew the soon-to-be-married couple. Though several other bridesmaids answered correctly, I didn't know the answer. That was the beginning of my overthinking.
When it was time to open gifts, another bridesmaid was quick to get behind the bride to collect all the garbage. "Is this what I should be doing to be more of a help?" I thought to myself.
My worries about my place in her life culminated on the big day
Their wedding day was perfect. It was a beautiful fall afternoon in early October, with a vivid rainbow that appeared through the clouds after some showers.
Unfortunately, my mood didn't match the weather, and my anxiety was heightened. When I put my dress on, it felt like I was going on stage to perform. It was as though the shower and the bachelorette party were training grounds for the wedding when it came to my duties and supporting my best friend, and now the competition was on. Bridesmaids would refill her drink, carry her train, offer her snacks, and so much more. It was a race to fill each need first.
I never stopped to ask myself why I felt I was in competition with the others or why I was tending to her needs more out of a desire to prove myself a worthy bridesmaid rather than simply because she's my friend. Perhaps I should have — it may have relieved some of my stress and helped me be more present.
I finally realized we were there to celebrate love and that's all that mattered
Later in the reception, my best friend found me on the dance floor and we busted a move together. This moment with her helped relieve the tension and anxiety I'd been feeling, and I realized that she never expected anything from me but to stand next to her at her wedding because we love each other.
My dress color, my seat at the table — these details were so insignificant. Being her bridesmaid was a testament to our friendship. We were celebrating her love with her partner and their future ahead.
My best friend's wedding was beautiful and turned out exactly the way she'd hoped it would. There were thoughtful speeches, flowing drinks, and rad dance moves — and you know damn well we all took advantage of the doughnut station at the end of the night.