We're a gay throuple who've spent over $170,000 on surrogacy and adoption — there are a lot of hidden costs, and it's more expensive than you think

• Ben, Mitch, and Benjamin live in Los Angeles with their 20-month-old adopted daughter, Tegan.
• The throuple have spent over four years and more than $170,000 on having their children.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Mitch Rolam, 37; Benjamin Rolam, 35; and Ben Rodriguez Rolam, 38, a Los Angeles throuple — or a three-person romantic relationship. This essay has been edited for length and clarity. Insider verified their adoption and surrogacy expenses through receipts they provided.

We became a throuple after two of us — Ben and Mitch, who had been together for 14 years — met Benjamin on the Atlantis gay cruise in February 2019.

All three of us got ceremonially married in Kauai, Hawaii, in September that same year. And at the same time, two of us — Benjamin and Mitch — also got legally married.

Mitch works in finance, Benjamin in e-commerce, and Ben in a beauty company. The three of us live together in Los Angeles with our 20-month-old daughter, Tegan, whom we adopted in 2022.

And we're expecting our second child, through surrogacy, in December this year.

We spent over $170,000 on adoption and surrogacy

Let's add things up.

• The first adoption agency's fees: We spent $18,200 on our first adoption agency in 2019. We were paying for them to share our profile with expectant mothers, and though we were with them for two years, we only got one failed match with a prospective mother who wound up not going with us.
• Attorney fees: We spent around $13,000 to hire an attorney in 2021 so we could start looking for matches through private adoption. The attorney helps communicate with expectant mothers and connects us with other attorneys in states where the birth will take place. We also paid $7,000 for an attorney in the state where Tegan was born.
• Google ads: We spent around $6,000 on Google ads to share our website with expectant mothers.
• Social-services agency: We paid $4,000 in fees for a social services agency in California.

The whole adoption process, from start to finish, took us four years. And that all adds up to over $48,000.

With surrogacy, which we also started pursuing around the same time in 2019, it cost us $86,000 for five embryo transfers with the first agency we used. None of the transfers were successful. And the second agency we used cost us at least $110,000. Thankfully, Mitch's company covered $70,000.

We're expecting to meet the newest member of our family in December.

All in all, that's over $170,000 we've spent out of pocket so far. We've been keeping track for tax purposes.

These costs don't even include the cost of travel for adoption and surrogacy. It also does not include the amount we're still expecting to pay in agency and attorney fees in December for our second child.

There are many hidden costs, both financial and emotional

Adoption is an amazing and rewarding journey, but only once it finally happens.

At first, we thought we wanted to adopt both of our kids. But that changed once we actually went through the adoption process.

We met dozens of mothers, and we had to commit a lot of effort and time into creating relationships with someone who's probably not going to call you back the next week, all while explaining to them why we would be the best parents.

And we had multiple failed adoptions before Tegan, where we went in and held the baby, flying across the country to do so, thinking we're having a baby now, only to be told: "No, we're not going to pick you." It was so emotionally draining.

We didn't have anything in Tegan's room prepared for the longest time because the attorney told us not to fill it — all it would do is to remind us of her if we got rejected.

There were just a lot of hidden costs. From small expenses like court fees or traveling for the surrogacy and adoption process piling up, to the disappointment of spending two years on something without seeing an outcome.

But at the same time, people are constantly asking us if we're sure we want this, and our answer is: Yes.

When you're planning to have a family — through the route we're using — you have to have all these conversations and understand what you want.

It's a big commitment, and there just isn't enough information available for people to know how costly this is.