Want a better vacation with your kids? Stop doing what you want.

• I love to travel but hated it at first after I had a baby. It was tiring, stressful, and not fun.
• Things got better after I stopped trying to travel like I did before having kids.

When my oldest daughter was 6 months old, my husband and I flew cross country with her to go on a road trip up the California coast.

It was our first big vacation as a family, and I planned park strolls in San Diego, beach days in Laguna, and hikes along the coast in Big Sur. I was so excited — and then hated every minute of it.

It was a devastating blow for me as a travel editor who, until that moment, revolved my entire year around where to visit and dreamed of traveling the world with kids in tow.

Enough time has passed now that I look back on the trip and fondly remember the good parts, and I can also now see that I was simply a naive first-time parent who made one major mistake: I catered the trip to mine and my husband's interests over my child's.

Now that she's older and we've welcomed another daughter, I've learned a key lesson we live by when we travel: Don't do what we want. Do what the kids will enjoy.

This simple mindset helped me and my husband understand that we needed to stop trying to travel like we did before we had kids while with our kids. We know travel is still worth it, so long as we temper our expectations and keep them low.

That's not to say being on vacation with our kids is a drag. I immediately smile when I recall my daughter zipping down her first waterslide in Hawaii or playing on the beach in Mexico. It just means that having kids changes your life in all kinds of incredible, beautiful ways, and one of them will inevitably be how you travel.

Why we prioritize our kids' interests on vacation over ours

On that trip to Big Sur, my then-baby screamed the entire hike in her carrier. She hated being strapped in and was miserable. So were we. But we wanted to hike, so we did it. It wasn't worth it.

Even now as a toddler, despite living in an area we moved to specifically to hike and be outdoors, we rarely go because she doesn't want to ride in her wagon, stroller, or tricycle, and ironically, would rather I carry her. My aching neck and back feel strongly that I stop doing that.

When I lament this to friends, some inevitably reply, "Just make her go on the hike, that's how they learn!"

That's easy to say when you're not the one hoisting around a wailing child earning concerned glances from passersby.

A much more helpful piece of advice came from one of my husband's best friends. He taught us our golden rule: Don't do what you want, only what the kids want. He's totally right.

When we plan our travel and activities around what our kids will enjoy, we specifically pick hotels with loads of kid-friendly amenities and plan our day around their interests. It's worked every time and we feel relaxed, less stressed, and enjoy our trips much more.

When we went to Oahu, Hawaii, in 2022, still as a family of three, I knew not to force it when my daughter didn't want to go to the beach. Had I made her go because I wanted to, I would have spent the entire time enduring tantrums. Instead, I was able to sit with her on the shallow entry shelf of the pool while she splashed happily, and rode down the slide, which filled her — and me — with joy.

When we spent a long weekend on Coronado Island last summer, I would have loved to wander the quaint island browsing boutiques. But I know that's not for antsy toddlers and babies who need to nap. Not mine anyway.

Instead, we prioritized swimming at the hotel over taking walks and listening to music outside while eating food to-go instead of sitting inside a restaurant. These were things that made my toddler happy, which in turn made us more at ease.

This spring, we plan to visit the Big Island of Hawaii for the first time. And while the old me would love to check-in to the Four Seasons for a special splurge and spend each day exploring national parks, parent me knows better. I'm instead eyeing Hilton Waikaloa Village with its lazy river, waterslides, and sandy children's pool my kids will love. If it works out, we hope to visit Volcano National Park, but I'm keeping my expectations low.

Would I rather sit on a chair with a drink and book, or spend a day hiking in a cloud forest? Sure, but that's not for parents of babies and toddlers. None I know, anyway.

I also know that this stage of life and parenting, like all of them, is temporary. Sure enough, in a few years, my children will be more self sufficient, and travels won't revolve around never leaving a resort.

We'll lounge by the pool, go for a hike, try great restaurants, learn about new cultures, and inevitably spot a family with a small baby. I know in that moment, I'll miss nothing more than the phase of life I'm in right now, and that, as hard as things can be, I'm grateful for every second.

And if there's something I can do right now to make my life a little easier while traveling, you bet I will.