- As a single parent of two young adults, I recently downsized and sold the family home.
- Avoiding conflict steered decisions around cleaning, chores, and personal spaces.
I recently sold the place my family called "home" for the last dozen years when my youngest graduated college. My kids were 13 and 10 when I purchased a smaller house after my divorce.
At the time, I strove to make it an easy transition by scouting out nearby neighborhoods allowing them to stay in the same school district and close to friends. Next, I included both in the shopping process so they knew their wishes mattered. Once we moved, I painted their bedrooms identical colors as they had previously to give a sense of comfort upon waking up and going to sleep.
As for me, I felt guilty about not being a nuclear family but was eager to live in a calmer, clutter-free environment. Neither my ex-husband nor I had the best organizational skills to find places for our things or the consistency to put them away. So I was committed to doing better this time around.
When clearing the house for the new owners, I reflected on all the good that happened there and what I would change if given a chance.
Deal with the past sooner than later
Upon first moving in, I had the movers hide every box downstairs. My plan: Empty a container each night the kids were at their dad's. Reality: Out of sight, out of mind. As a single parent with a full-time career, managing schedules around my job, school, and sports meant unpacking and organizing went lower on the list of priorities. Instead, I focused on what my kids needed at the moment and kept the past hidden away.
Now that we were leaving, my son and I examined the four eight-foot wood shelves holding the remnants of five decades in our basement. Looking bewildered, he said, "Why don't we get a storage locker and deal with this later?"
"Yes, that is a brilliant idea," I exclaimed before realizing this would only delay what I could have done before — put the kids' photos in albums, finish projects, and toss the reams of paper having crossed several state lines. To move forward, now was the time to clear out the past. As a unit, we needed to employ the Marie Kondo strategy: let it go if something doesn't bring you joy. I should have taught us all this earlier on.
Keep the family unit close as long as possible
Our house had three bedrooms upstairs and one large bedroom and bathroom suite downstairs, so I had put the oldest in the private mancave rather than making siblings share a bathroom to argue over.
With each tucked away on separate floors, I often wondered whether our relationships might differ if we had started upstairs together. Keeping us close for a few more years may have resulted in resolving conflict faster, becoming even more empathetic towards one another, and providing additional unstructured time as a family.
Require occasional deep cleanings and ask for more help
Growing up, my mom required me to maintain a tidy room, which was a constant battle between us. I didn't want to repeat the cycle, so I gave my kids control over their private spaces, allowing them to make choices and live with any mess they made. With that said, when I staged their rooms to put the house on the market, I found garbage, crumbs, and dust bunnies lurking behind furniture. I now understand that having them deep clean several times a year would have produced a healthier living environment.
Similarly, rather than assigning chores, I emphasized values and wanted the kids to take responsibility, share work, and be kind to our things. While that mindset was effective, we sometimes lived among clutter and dishes in the sink. Looking back, asking them to do more would have meant fewer water glasses around the house or tripping over errant shoes.
Live like you're moving
It took a village, but we managed to get rid of almost everything in our four walls — hanging on to a few meaningful pieces for ourselves. Only afterward, realizing the mental burden we each unknowingly carried with having too much stuff.
In the end, saying "goodbye," the three of us agreed we lived in a loving environment, building many good memories together. Still, my son declared, "We should live like we are moving all the time."