My parents split custody of their dog after they separated. It taught me some relationships are meant for the long haul.
- My parents separated when I was 19 years old and in college.
- Their divorce taught me that marriage has seasons, too.
Years before pet custody agreements became a common part of divorce, my parents began sharing custody of Dixie, a 3-year-old rescue dog, and I wasn't prepared for it.
Not only had I never heard of this type of arrangement before, but it also didn't make sense to me that they willingly set this up, knowing they'd need to interact with each other on a regular basis.
"Are you going somewhere?" I asked my dad after he told me he just dropped Dixie off at my mom's house for the week.
"No," he said.
There was a long pause as I waited for him to explain what was going on, but my dad isn't one to give more detail than necessary. Sometimes, this is maddening; other times, I think it's one of his best qualities.
"Oh. Erin didn't want to watch her?" I asked, thinking surely Erin, his girlfriend and someone who loves dogs, including Dixie, would dog-sit for a few nights.
"Didn't ask Erin," he responded.
"OK, well, why is Mom taking her?" I asked.
"Just because."
It's been nearly eight years since my parents started sharing custody of Dixie, and I've learned valuable lessons about partnerships, marriage, and divorce from this experience.
There is no such thing as a 'failed marriage'
You can have a supportive and loving marriage for a long time, and it can still end in divorce. But just because a marriage ends doesn't mean it was a "failed marriage."
In fact, there are many versions of success when it comes to marriage — even those that end in divorce. Adding children to your family, building a house together, and traveling and learning about different cultures can all be viewed as successes within a marriage that ends in divorce.
My parents raised two happy children, and in a way, their coming together after getting a divorce to care for Dixie is a testament to the biggest successes in their marriage.
Marriage has seasons, too
It's said that our lives are full of seasons, and I've learned that marriage and divorce are no different. During an early season of your marriage, you may be asked to show up in a very different way than you are during a later season. Divorce is the same.
We're so used to seeing TV and movies portray divorce as a clear-cut ending to a relationship, but some relationships are meant for the long haul. It's very possible that even after divorce, a beautiful, respectful relationship can emerge, which is what I've seen between my parents.
I don't have to understand why
Since my parents separated when I was 19 and already in college, I wasn't shuffled back and forth between two houses. I didn't have two sets of things, one at my mom's house and the other at my dad's house. I never overheard my parents coordinating pickup or drop-off locations for me.
So when I learned that the dog would be shuffled back and forth between two houses, I couldn't help wonder why.
They'd avoided some of the more complicated parts of divorce involving children, so why do it all now?
But the thing is — and this took me years to accept — I didn't have to understand it. We can't always know why someone chooses to do something. When I finally let go of figuring out why my parents decided to share custody of Dixie, I realized that "just because" was a good enough reason.