My face has changed without botox and filler during lockdown, and it's making me rethink why I get these treatments in the first place
- Having botox and filler may be a confident boost, but for me, I now know it's not a permanent solution.
- Over the past three years, I've been getting these treatments regularly to maintain a plumped-up pout and prevent wrinkles.
- However, lockdown has prevented me from maintaining my look, and my face is now starting to change.
- I've realized that this break from facial aesthetics is the perfect opportunity to start allowing my own natural features to shine through, and to focus on accepting my face as it is.
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In a time where we're obsessed with our Instagram feeds and editing our pictures, I got sucked into trying to look "perfect" — whatever that means.
Having already dedicated years to dying my hair, forking out for claw-like nail extensions, and maintaining a beauty regime suggested by YouTube gurus, it's safe to say I could be considered quite vain.
This, along with following Kylie Jenner's journey for an-ever voluptuous pout due to my own tiny insecurities, led me to take it one unnecessary step further.
I didn't actually need injectables. My 20-year-old face was fine, while my own obsessive critiquing was the actual issue.
I didn't realize that until a few weeks ago, though, when it became apparent that COVID-19 was going to tamper with my daily beauty routines.
My look was one that needed to be maintained
My carefully scheduled calendar that maintained my perfectly plump pout and dewy sheen was going to be destroyed. Lockdown was imminent.
I braced myself for the inevitable cancellation of appointments and started to think about how my face could possibly change over the coming weeks.
For three years I've been visiting my aesthetician every three months for a 1ml injection of juvederm to the lips, and to have two areas of my face injected with botox — the forehead and between the brows.
With my last syringe having been injected in January, I am well overdue.
Facial aesthetics are continuing to gain popularity, so it's normally easy to get my face back to its fully-filled glory, as qualified nurses are now conveniently positioned all over London.
Pre-quaratine, I would have fallen straight back into that clinic waiting room, my strive for perfection willing.
Psychotherapist Beth Burgess told Insider: "Many find their self-esteem plummeting if they can't access their regular beauty treatments. There is a societal expectation on women to look good, so much so that women feel insecure if they aren't able to look a certain way. Lower self-esteem can add to the anxiety, stress, and isolation that this virus is already causing."
However, she added that the quaratine is causing some people to "rethink their strategy."
"If treatments are literally impossible to get, this may present an opportunity for someone to really dig deep. It's a courageous choice to address insecurities but ultimately leads to much greater wellbeing."
I wasn't sure what to expect, but sure and fast, the changes started appearing on my face — and I realized that maybe, just maybe, it was actually a good thing.
While filler initially makes your lips more voluminous, it always breaks down
Even though a good 2ml of juvederm still currently sits hidden in my lips, my soul reasoning for getting lip fillers in the first place always comes back to haunt me.
The slight asymmetry on my left hand side seemed worthy of being fixed at the time — despite the fact it wasn't noticeable at all, and the only person who picked up on it was me (and my aesthetician at the time, who assured me that yes, my lips were uneven.)
To make up for my wonky lip line, I came out of the clinic with 1ml of juvederm in my lips with a concentration on the left hand side to even it all out.
However, filler breaks down, and no one knows how long it will last exactly, with most clinics suggesting it could be anywhere between six and 18 months. It all depends on your metabolism.
In my case, I loved the look until my sister called out my now lumpy-looking pout only a couple of weeks ago.
I was less than impressed — just one missed appointment and the changes were already starting to show. My usually plumped and lifted lips, which sported a keyhole appearance in the center, were starting to deflate like a balloon.
The tiny keyhole, which usually looked cute, was now drooping as the side with less filler dissolved at a faster rate, creating a less-than-attractive indentation.
The smoothed out, soft appearance that can also usually be attributed to filled lips was also no more, with the indentation causing an uneven surface on the skin of my lips.
Some would call this karma for messing around with my face in the first place, but since I always had less filler injected into my right side, I should have known that when I did let the filler break down, it wouldn't be even.
It feels good to be able to move my forehead
Like many other 20-somethings, I was an advocate of preventative botox, and bragged about how when my later years rolled around, I would have already stopped the process, and my frown lines would be practically non-existent.
However, it turns out it's not actually as great as it looks — especially not for a serial frowner.
I found that my forehead was, well, frozen, and with it the ability to move my eyebrows.
As much as I loved the dewy shine and the fact that the small lines I had vanished pretty quickly, sometimes a girl just has to frown.
Lockdown arrived a week before my top-up was due, and although due to my metabolism the changes are slower with my botox, movement is definitely starting to occur, meaning my face is moving like a 23-year-old's actually should.
Who knew how good it would feel to be able to raise my eyebrows?
Lockdown made me realize my face didn't feel like my own
Although I've never had any major surgeries and all the aesthetics I've had are reversible, if lockdown has made anything more obvious, it's that all these little extras aren't mine.
My lips are slowly deflating, and I've realized that to achieve anywhere near the same dewy look botox gives, I'm going to have to apply a hell of a lot of setting spray.
Considering I attend appointments every three months, I had truly forgotten that this wasn't my natural look, and that it takes work to maintain it. In a strange way, it feels like I've been lying to myself. Do I even know what my face looks like underneath it all?
The fillers had become a part of me, and were something which, over time, I had just accepted as part of my face. Although I still considered myself to look natural, I now wonder whether I'll even recognize the real me.
For now, the effort that I would have normally put into keeping up my look simply isn't possible. Clinic closures for the foreseeable future cut off all access I had to maintenance.
This break from facial aesthetics feels like the perfect opportunity to start allowing my own natural features to shine through and focus on accepting my true self.
Although I don't know how long quarantine will last, this short time has already allowed me to start to accept the flaws that I have. After all, as Burgess told me: "True self-esteem is built internally rather than externally."
I may not feel this positive every day over the next few weeks as the injections continue to dissolve, and I know it will look worse before it gets better — but I'm starting to think I'll like the natural look.
Read more:
Women are getting Botox to fix 'resting b---h face,' and a psychologist says the trend is troubling