Moms need to stop judging each other: No one wins in the mom competition

• My younger daughter died in her sleep when she was 2.
• Then, I got divorced shortly after and lost 50% of my time with my older daughter.

Alice should have been walking into her Kindergarten class, but she wasn't. She'd died in her sleep of unknown causes 11 days after her 2nd birthday. Three years later, I was functional, but her absence at school was glaring. I'd dreamed of starting this new school for two kids. It never occurred to me one of them would not attend.

Tears fell down my face as my 7-year-old daughter Grace walked into her classroom. Getting her out of the house that morning had been rough, and I couldn't be late to work.

As I walked to my car crying, two mom friends asked if I was all right. I said it was a tricky morning with Grace. One of the moms pointed between her and the other mom and said, "Well, we still have 5-year-olds. It's even harder with two."

She knew Alice. Mouth agape, I froze. Eventually, I sputtered, "I did have two."

She and the other mom quickly changed the subject, and we all went to our cars. I ugly cried the entire way to work.

A day later, another mom hinted I should volunteer more often: "Since you only have one kid now, you have more free time."

We don't know what other parents are going through

No one wants the "free time" I ended up with. I lost one child to death and 50% of my time with the other due to divorce, all of which happened in less than six months. Every minute I was not with Grace, I was working and trying to pick up the pieces, which doesn't happen overnight, or in three years.

Like many schools, the pressure to donate time and money was intense. Committee members employed guilt and shame to "get parents involved," something which always bothered me. I knew some parents relied on bus transportation, worked multiple jobs, or took care of elderly parents in addition to their children. Not everyone had extra time or money to spare, so the hardball tactics of lead parent volunteers struck me as insensitive.

"I never see Naomi helping at school," a mom said to me one day with a conspiratorial look.

"Well, Naomi's husband is dying at age 38, leaving her as the sole breadwinner, active parent to their two kids, and errand-runner, all while nursing her dying husband and preparing their children for his eventual death. She probably doesn't have time to bake Instagram-worthy cupcakes and stand around gossiping," I replied.

This mom shrugged and said, "Oh. I didn't know."

Let's stop the mom-against-mom competition

These were all otherwise kind people. I realized, though, that this was the work of the insidious mom competition. Somehow, parents — moms especially — get swept up in a bizarre race to the bottom where the busiest, most inconvenienced, most sleep-deprived, most martyred person wins. Everyone else is lazy.

No one wins — but the real losers are intent on competing, for they waste their precious lives in judgment, bitterness, and resentment, imagining what others should and should not be doing.

Maybe the mom who isn't helping much at school recently suffered a miscarriage. Maybe her kid was diagnosed with a chronic illness. Or maybe she hears other parents' sanctimony and wants no part because it's toxic. Perhaps she wanted to leave the mean girls behind in 7th grade.

No one owes us an explanation. If we want parents to contribute, we must create a positive, nurturing atmosphere. We should give people the benefit of the doubt. We need to stop keeping score.