I've been an adoption advocate for 18 years. Here's what you shouldn't say to adoptive families — and how to respond to insensitive comments when they come your way.

• Nicole Witt is an adoption consultant who works with adoptive parents.
• She says adoptive parents can face intrusive questions, especially during the holidays.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Nicole Witt. It has been edited for length and clarity

More than 20 years ago, my husband and I faced infertility. As I became involved with the infertility community, I learned a lot about adoption. Looking back, my husband and I didn't give adoption the consideration it deserved. Although we didn't adopt, I decided to help other parents who wanted to grow their families through adoption.

I've been an adoption consultant for 18 years now. My role is working with parents hoping to adopt. These days, I work almost exclusively with people pursuing domestic infant adoption. Although the challenges these families face are almost identical to other families bringing home an infant, they can also encounter insensitive or invasive questions.

This holiday season, we can all be more respectful of adoptive families, people who are adopted, and people who place their children for adoption by learning what not to say — and how to respond when the comments are directed toward you.

'Is that your real baby?'

When it comes to adoption, the words you use matter. "Real" is not something you ever want to say. Adopted people have two very real sets of parents: their biological parents and their adoptive parents. Likewise, an adopted child is very much the "real" child of their parents. When you're talking to the people raising the child, simply saying "parent" and "child" is the safest bet.

Another term to ditch is "given up." That makes the birth mother sound like she didn't really care or that she made a last-minute decision versus something that took a lot of thought, effort, and emotion. Children aren't "given up." They are "placed." You can also say that the birth parents "made an adoption plan."

'Why was she placed for adoption?'

Typically, it's no one's business why a child was placed for adoption. That's intimate family information that no one else is entitled to. When the child is old enough to decide, it's up to them to choose how much to share and with whom.

'How much did it cost?'

Another person's finances — particularly for something as personal as growing their family — are never your business. Of course, if you're considering adoption yourself, you can ask for general information and resources.

'Now you'll get pregnant'

This comment is insensitive for many reasons. First off, it's flat-out wrong. This is a complete myth statistically speaking, and in many cases, pregnancy isn't even physically possible for people who choose to adopt.

But it's bigger than that. Saying this implies that pregnancy is the ultimate goal that parents really want, and adoption is somehow second best.

How to prepare for, and respond to, comments

If you're a family built through adoption, it's helpful to be prepared for these comments, especially when you'll be encountering people you haven't seen in a long time.

My go-to response is "Why do you ask?" If someone is purely being nosy, this question often makes them realize it. And if there's a deeper reason for their question, they can explain.

It's also OK to say, "That's our family's private information," or "We're not comfortable sharing that." Out of politeness, we often respond to questions when asked, but you don't owe anyone information. As your child grows, the questions won't stop, but your child will pick up on them — and the tone of your response. By preparing for comments ahead of time, you can model respect for your family, your child, and their biological family even in the most awkward situations.