I'm spending the holidays with my ex and our son. Here's what we plan to do, based on expert advice.

• This is the first year I'm co-parenting through the holidays after my ex and I split.
• We are spending them together, so our 8-year-old son feels as loved as he is.

Divvying up parenting time after a separation or divorce can be a delicate process, especially during the holidays.

This Christmas will be my first navigating the logistics of two separate households, and while holiday festivities are going to look a little bit different from now on, that doesn't mean I can't fully embrace the Christmas Spirit.

To make the transition easier on our 8-year-old son, and practice those adulting skills, my ex and I have decided to celebrate together this year — we want our son to feel that above all, he is very much loved.

We're setting aside our differences to make a joint Christmas work, plus expert tips for child-centered co-parenting during the holidays.

Make a plan and stick to it

Whether you're spending the holidays together or separately, it's important to adhere to a plan.

When a child's parents split, everything that's been stable and consistent in their life is turned upside down — that's why it's so important to keep things as familiar as possible, said Avigail Lev, PsyD, a California-based licensed clinical psychologist, and a certified mediator. "An amicable divorce does not have a huge negative impact on a child. Modeling that you can still negotiate fairly and be available and reliable really benefits the kid," said Lev.

Be very clear on what your holiday arrangements are, and let your child know the plan well in advance, said Shari Bornstein, a matrimonial and family law attorney at Yacos Law in New York. As well, discuss whether you'll be buying gifts together or separately, and who is responsible for say, gifts from Santa's or presents for teachers.

Make sure your child doesn't feel any underlying resentments between you and your ex. Kids won't remember every little detail, but they will remember how they felt, said Bornstein. "So make sure that they know they are loved, and that you're role-modeling kindness, caring, and compassion. And if it's possible, continue your holiday traditions, but be flexible in creating new traditions too," Bornstein said.

Focus on your child

Even if you're separating, your opportunities to give your child everything that they need are the same, said Lev. "You're still going to be negotiating and exploring each other's needs and trying to be fair and collaborative whether you're together or not. The how is more important than anything — sometimes getting a divorce is better for the child if you're doing it in a fair, structured, predictable, safe way," she said.

Instead of making the holiday a competition over who spends the most on gifts or who has the biggest tree, focus on creating positive memories with your child. Children need to feel like they're going to be accepted and loved, regardless of what present they like best or where they want to be, said Lev. "As long as it feels pretty equal and stable on both sides, the child will feel safe and secure. But if a child has to choose between parents, it has a huge negative impact on their future relationships," she said.

In the end, the holidays are about letting children be children. "This is such a magical time of year for them. They don't want to feel like they have to choose," Bornstein said.

This year, we're spending Christmas Eve at my home, and Christmas morning at my ex's, his extended family will be visiting from out of town, upping the joy factor for our son. Most importantly, we've agreed to check any residual conflict at the door. Our goal is to ensure that our son never has to choose between us.