- Before getting married at 27, I signed a prenup that didn't protect me from divorce.
- I wish I had specified that both parents had to pay for extra things, like school photos.
The red couch I ordered for my apartment had just arrived, new blankets were on my kids' bunk beds, a coffee machine and a microwave were unboxed, but I didn't yet have a strainer for pasta when my divorce process began.
I was settling into my new life, adjusting to the heartache of sharing time with my kids and the new normal of restarting for the next half of my life as a working parent after being a stay-at-home mom.
Additional stress from the pandemic and animosity meant a rushed divorce process. In one ear was the push from my husband to finish the settlement as soon as possible, meeting a tug in my heart to consider every detail — there were so many.
It all took a toll on my mental health, the stress was overwhelming, and every step of the settlement — negotiating things from summer camps to aftercare to extracurricular activities — felt rushed from disagreements and constant pressure. It was devastating.
Not to forget, my legal fees were racking up, and I was hitting a breaking point financially and emotionally. I surrendered at a point when negotiating further felt hopeless and the anxiety was getting to be too much and too toxic for my emotional health.
A lot of things were left out of the settlement
Many factors that affect the day-to-day of raising my kids were left out of the settlement, or not clearly defined, such as whether both parents shared the cost of expenses involving the children's college tuition, proms, yearly school photos and graduation announcements, and other education and school-related items.
There are many more details I wish were in the settlement. I realize now, when I look at the 40-page divorce settlement, many items are in gray areas. This is a regret.
Many people, especially those in relationships where the power dynamics are skewed to one side, will get frustrated with the process and end up giving up and leaving a lot on the table because they cannot afford to continue to fight for what they think is right, Karon Rowden, the director of the Family and Veterans Advocacy Clinic at Texas A&M University School of Law, said.
Preparation is key; I get it now. I wish I had drafted a checklist for the now and future.
"A divorce, just like many areas of life, relies on preparation, preparation, and more preparation," Rowden said.
Rowden said to place yourself in a mindset of what you need not just here and now but also in the big picture.
For example, she said: "Have you both planned on children going to college? Is there a 529 plan for college savings? If so, who will manage it? Will both of you be required to continue to contribute to the plan?
"If one party has a significant amount of money and the ability to pay for college tuition for your children, then you should address that in the final settlement."
Communication is very important when it comes to coparenting
Communication is the core of coparenting, and it isn't always an easy thing to do, so depending on how well you and your ex can resolve issues on your own could be an iffy approach.
Modifying your agreement around the kids after the divorce is finalized can be more stressful and very expensive.
"You don't want to have to come back to court every time there is a disagreement," Rowden said. "Spelling out as many details as possible can help prevent having to come back to court. You should not want the court to have to make all of your parenting decisions between you and your spouse."
I realize now it's best to assume nothing, and I understand the importance of spelling out everything. If certain issues aren't described clearly in the settlement, don't assume there will be fairness or kindness: If it isn't in the settlement, it isn't a guarantee to be a shared expense.