I'm a high-school teacher and I have one piece of advice for parents: Let your kids fail
- I'm a high-school teacher and a mom.
- I've seen how parents don't let their children fail and how that affects them.
Failure. It's not a pretty word — that's what society says.
As a high-school teacher, I see a lot of fear of failure. Whether it's high-achieving kids anxious about earning a B, academically "average" kids who are afraid of trying, or kids not used to taking risks, the one thing they have in common is they haven't been given the proper opportunities to fail.
I've seen it in all kinds of educational settings: public schools, early-college schools, universities, and boarding schools. Parents from all walks of life have encouraged the idea to their children, deliberately or not, that success holds the highest priority. It's mind-boggling to me because I come from a family full of both failure and success.
My dad, a first-generation Greek immigrant, failed out of four colleges before earning a law degree. Then there's me. I was put on academic probation — twice — in my undergrad experience before I earned that degree, a teaching certificate, and two graduate degrees. My three brothers also failed a lot in life before achieving. But we all learned one thing: to get back up.
This likely wasn't easy to watch for my parents. Because there's no crystal ball to look into, we don't know whether our kids will get back up. It's hard to watch when they trip on their faces. But it's something I'd argue all parents must learn to do — especially today.
Kids are not used to failing
The teens I've taught are caught in a generation of instant gratification, thanks to the smartphones adhered to their hands. This connects to instant success, too. They've forgotten how to work hard on a paper and revise it or study at length for a biology exam.
To prevent their children from failing, some parents try to save them. Sometimes this looks like a parent paying for a tutor, completing an assignment for their child, or even applying an immense amount of pressure on their child to ensure they always get stellar grades.
Sure, on paper, these outcomes look the part. But really, not a lot is getting accomplished intrinsically for the teen.
The stressed-out perfectionist learns that their self-worth is shown only through their grades and that they should not take risks by taking the creative-writing course instead of Advanced Placement English. The other students learn that they don't need to earn good grades with their own hard work because they've grown accustomed to their parents either swooping in to help or pay for a tutor.
If parents let their teens fail, their kids would realize that failing doesn't feel good. They'd learn that they have to work hard at something to achieve higher standards. They'd learn intrinsic motivation — that it feels indescribable when you work hard for something and produce great outcomes.
What can parents do?
Parents can let go. Sure, occasional check-ins with a child demonstrate a parent who cares, but the constant online grade checking and hovering need to be left at the door. Parents can also show their children where to get help and, more importantly, that it's vital they do so to succeed. People don't reach a mountaintop on their own. They know how to navigate the tricky terrain to get there by asking for help. If they didn't, it'd be fair to say they wouldn't reach the top.
Last winter, my tween signed up for a spelling bee. But he left the word list in his locker, likely crumpled between sweatshirts and water bottles, for months. Thus, he was knocked out in the first round of the contest. That probably didn't feel great. So I was stunned when he brought home the list for this year's spelling bee just a few weeks ago and asked me to help him study. Who knows whether he'll do better this time, but either way, he learned to ask for help and that he'd have to practice to do well.
When parents learn to let go and even watch their teen fail, the positive outcomes will eventually outweigh the negative ones. Because, above all else, their child will have learned one thing — to get back up.