Thelife- As a former matchmaker and current dating coach, I see people make mistakes on popular apps.
- Too many options can be overwhelming, so only use one dating app and turn off your notifications.
Before I became a professional dating coach, I worked as a matchmaker at a national firm. I had set up 499 dates and would often professionally swipe on all of the dating apps for other people.
These apps can be a great tool to meet someone new, but they can also be hotbeds of bad behavior that lead to burnout.
So here are the biggest mistakes I see most people make when swiping — and how to fix them.
Playing the numbers game doesn't mean you'll win
You may have been told to swipe more, go on more dates, and use more apps, but this conventional advice doesn't actually increase your chances of meeting someone — it increases your chances of burnout.
Like slot machines, dating apps are designed to draw in users by hijacking the pleasure center of their brain to crave cheap rewards, like a match or message. We like to see evidence that what we want — in this case, a relationship — is out there.
But these apps are part of a $4 billion dating industry and their job is to get you to keep swiping, so they overwhelm you with options.
However, when your brain has too many options, your higher functioning shuts down, and cognitive overload (when external demands are more than you can mentally handle) sets in.
To avoid this, actively use just one dating app.
In my experience, no app is intrinsically more effective than the others. Save your energy for the one you like the most and use it with intention.
I recommend spending 20 minutes a day on your app of choice. Swiping mindlessly on your lunch break isn't actually serving you.
Feeling overwhelmed can lead to inaction, but don't be afraid to make the first move
You may worry whether you're on the right app, if your profile is good, how the match you're excited about will act in person, or if you've swiped left on your soulmate.
It's easy to get overwhelmed by all of the decisions you make on dating apps, and this perfectionist mindset can get in your way.
With about 34 million dating-app users in the US alone, there are literally too many people for you to talk to, much less date. So take brave, bold action and know that you are for the few, not the many.
This mindset can make dating with an app a lot more self-trusting — and sometimes even joyful.
Make the first move without overthinking and start qualifying your matches by asking the thing you'd most like to know. I love the question, "What's bringing you the most joy lately?" It often reveals who's there to lurk versus make a real connection.
Since there's no way to know if someone is right for you over text alone, you're looking for intrigue, not certainty. Though virtual dates are a great way to get clarity.
And if you feel like someone isn't right for you, then bless and release them. You're not trying to date potential.
This will leave more space in your brain and schedule to talk with people who are a good fit. A dry spell on a dating app is better than settling for someone who drains your energy.
Notifications can be addictive, so turn them off
You may worry that if you don't answer immediately, your match will reject you, but you shouldn't be expected to reply to dating-app suitors right away in the hopes of keeping them around. You have a full, rich life and don't need to be attached to your phone to find results, as this can also lead to burnout.
These apps are an opportunity for you to practice boundaries with your heart time (time spent on your love life).
Dating is a microcosm of every hope, joy, dream, fear, insecurity, and desire we have as humans. It's inherently vulnerable and can be anxiety-inducing when apps chirp at us day and night.
So I recommend turning off all of these alerts. Check the app once or twice a day, and then do something that brings you joy. You can also move to text-based communication whenever you feel comfortable.
Don't sacrifice your mental and emotional health to message someone back right away. The right person also might need a bit to get back to you. You both get to take your time.
Trying to be someone you're not won't find you a great match
Humans are neurobiologically wired to fear rejection like we fear death, so many people minimize this risk by trying to be like everyone else, especially on dating apps.
This can include trying to be super witty when you're not that way in real life, putting boring pictures in your profile since they're conventional, or describing yourself as "easy-going" because you think that'll win over matches.
But on dating apps, your job is to be yourself as much as possible to signal to the right person that you're uniquely qualified for them.
That person can't find you if you're trying to be like everyone else, so be as boldly you as possible.
If you've been to the "Gilmore Girls" Fan Fest twice, love running and have a silly picture of yourself dressed as a Christmas tree at a marathon, or are passionate about trivia and look up facts about past first ladies in your spare time, then put that in your profile.
You will likely experience more rejection, but the matches and messages you get will be of higher quality for you.
Dating apps are a tool, not the answer to your love life
When you rely on a dating app to "solve your singleness," it's like being in a codependent relationship you're not in control of.
To minimize the negative impact dating apps can have on your mental health, it's in your best interest to turn off notifications, set boundaries with your time, directly ask for what you want, and bless and release people who aren't right for you.
When you instead use dating apps as a tool, you're more likely to find the right matches for you since you're creating your own rules.