If you've lost touch with a friend, it's normal to want to reconnect. Here's what stops us and how to push past it.

• Our social circles naturally get smaller over time, but we miss some friends more than others.
• In these cases, you may consider reaching out to reconnect.

Anniversaries have a way of surfacing feelings you thought were long buried. Maybe you're celebrating a year of sobriety, approaching your 20-year high-school reunion, or seeing a friend's post about their wedding anniversary. Each year when my friend's birthday rolls around, I think about all the parties we went to together and sleepovers we had, then how quickly our friendship unraveled when we had our first and only fight. She was like a sister to me, but I never knew if she was telling the truth or was trying to make me an unwilling sidekick in the stories she fabricated about her life.

When a big day comes up that you used to share with someone, it's normal to wonder whether you should reach out to them. I know I've had these particular anxieties, and I don't think I'm the only person who worries about what it will feel like if they don't respond. It can also be hurtful to find out that someone you were close to has moved on and you're still clinging to the vestiges of your relationship, hoping to patch things up years later.

Research confirms that having good-quality relationships can help improve our health and longevity. For advice on how to rekindle a friendship, Insider chatted with relationship experts about why we may feel nervous reconnecting with a friend and how to reach out in a way that's meaningful and genuine.

What stops us from reconnecting?

Sometimes we don't have the bandwidth to give someone our time and energy. "We might have every intention of reaching out, but keep getting sidetracked by other responsibilities," Elizabeth Fedrick, a licensed counselor and the owner of Evolve Counseling & Behavioral Health Services in Phoenix, told Insider. "As more time goes by, the more awkward we feel, so we keep putting it off."

Aside from being busy, a fear of rejection can prevent us from making that first step to reconnect with an old friend. We might be embarrassed by the way our last interaction went or simply by how much time has passed. These thoughts can leave us wondering if we have anything in common now that our lives or careers have gone in different directions.

What it often boils down to is this: We tend to make assumptions about our friends that don't always stack up with reality. We might think our friend is upset with us and as a result "overestimate the awkwardness of what will happen if we try to reconnect," Danielle Bayard Jackson, a friendship coach and educator, told Insider.

"Another assumption we make is that reaching out will burden or inconvenience them," Jackson said. A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people underestimated how much a friend or acquaintance would appreciate a brief message simply saying, "Hi," or "I'm thinking of you." It turns out that regardless of how close a friendship is, people valued these check-ins, especially when they aren't expecting them.

What should you consider before reaching out to a friend?

First, let's acknowledge that losing touch with friends is a normal part of life. A study in the sociology journal Socius found that our personal and professional networks shrank by almost 16 percent during the pandemic. But even apart from dealing with the particular social isolation of the past few years, it's natural that tending to other priorities related to our health, family, work, or finances might come before looking after our social lives. Consequently, our "friendships can fade out or not to take as much precedence as they once did," Jackson said. "Where we get in trouble is when we start to personalize this or believe that our friends don't want to hear from us again, which isn't always true."

Even though it's normal for our social circles to get smaller over time, there are people we're going to miss more than others, and these are the friends we often find ourselves feeling a tug of nostalgia over. Before sending a text or an email suggesting a catch-up coffee session, however, you may want to consider what prompted you to lose touch in the first place. Did your communication fall off gradually or did something happen where one of you felt harmed or slighted? If it's the former scenario, Jackson suggests the following approach: "Think positively and assume that they'd be happy to hear from you as opposed to worrying that they're upset with you."

If it's the latter scenario and your friendship ended on bad terms, Fedrick suggests considering whether you needed a break from this relationship. Before attempting to rekindle the friendship, it's important to try to resolve the issue rather than "letting enough time pass to brush it under the rug and pretend everything is OK," she said.

How can we rekindle a friendship?

When you're just beginning to reconnect, close-ended statements such as, "Just wanted to say hi," or "Hope you're doing well," can sometimes be counterproductive. Rather than creating space for conversation and connection, Fedrick points out they can sound a bit cold and forced, and they put the onus on the other person to be vulnerable and open. Similarly, questions like, "What have you been up to lately?" can seem impersonal. You don't have to immediately address the reasons why you haven't talked in a while — there's a way to ease into it — but you can still be personal when first reaching back out.

Fedrick suggested sending a text or email referencing a special memory, an inside joke, or talking about something you both enjoy. For example, you can say, "This made me think of you and how much I miss you," or "Do you remember when we went to that event? That was such a fun time." You can then follow up by suggesting a phone call or inviting them for coffee.

Jackson agreed, emphasizing that humor helps people connect. Let's say you're out shopping and see a mug that reminds you of your friend. You can send them a photo with a message saying, "I know it's been a while, but I saw this and thought of you." Alluding to a funny or special memory "gives you something to talk about and doesn't require your friend to do the mental labor of unpacking how they've been doing since you last spoke," she said.

If you're feeling brave, a more direct approach would be saying something along the lines of, "Hey, I know it's been a while, but you've been on my mind lately and I thought I'd reach out to see how you're doing," Jackson said. "For the average person, this is a delightful message to receive and shows how much you care."

Just remember that there's a chance they might not respond — or that they may not respond right away. They also may not respond the way you hope, so it's important to check in with yourself about what you can handle at the moment, as well as why you're truly reaching out.

"Reach out because it's something you feel moved to do and not because you have a certain expectation or fantasy of how your friend should respond," Jackson said.

When shouldn't we reconnect with a friend?

It's possible to miss a friend while also recognizing that your relationship isn't healthy. If your friend has a history of disrespecting or taking advantage of you, it's a good time to reassess whether this relationship is good for your mental health and if you need to put some boundaries in place like not allowing them to borrow money or letting them know you don't like when they comment on your eating habits.

"Friendships are supposed to involve a mutual give and take," Fedrick said. If you don't have time for a conversation on the phone or in person where you can establish the boundaries you need, you might want to hold off on trying to renew the friendship.

Depending on how much time has passed, your friend might not be the same person you remember. They might have different interests, values, and beliefs, so Jackson said it's important to be honest with yourself about what you're expecting to happen by reaching out to them. Especially if the friendship didn't end well at the time, try to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for all possible outcomes. This includes giving yourself and your friends space to grow and evolve, whether this means doing it together or apart.

You can realize that you miss someone and want to see if they have a place in your life; they may or may not be having the same thoughts about you, but you likely won't know one way or another unless you reach out. "But if part of you is hoping for things to be exactly like they were, you're probably going to be disappointed," Jackson said.