I wasn't ready to be the mom of an adult. Here's how I'm preparing in case something happens to her.
- When I became a mom, I never thought about the day my daughter would be an adult.
- She's off in college now, and I'm learning quickly about being the parent of an adult.
My decision to become a parent began with the idea of "having a baby" — which, when I did, lulled me into thinking this parenting gig was all about diapers and onesies. The mere mention of my kid one day flying the coop seemed incomprehensible, so I gave it little thought.
Fast-forward 18 years, and I'm preparing to welcome my fledgling college student back to the nest for the first time since August. This once baby bird has not only sprouted wings but also grown into a legal adult.
While my daughter's independence is something to celebrate, it's another major milestone that needs navigating — one that comes with a huge learning curve.
Just last month, I decided to get a jump start on renewing our Free Application for Federal Student Aid for next year's tuition and learned my hands were tied — the student must initiate the process. Ditto for scheduling her annual physical at the pediatrician or accessing what was once our joint checking account.
Each of these inconveniences got me thinking: What if something happened to my now adult child — while out of state on her college campus, no less — rendering her incapable of advocating for herself? The short story is, I'd be out of luck, unless a few clutch contingencies were in place.
Think ahead
"While it may feel morbid or uncomfortable to discuss, the becoming of an adult requires to think about more serious topics and the future, including what happens if the worst happens to them," Robin M. Lalley, a family-law attorney at Sodoma Law, told Insider.
Naturally, reconvening after your kid's semester away is the perfect time to discuss a durable power of attorney, a healthcare power of attorney, and/or a healthcare directive — a trio of similar documents that, Lalley said, "are forward-thinking into what one's wishes may be in the event of a healthcare or medical issue that eliminates the ability for a young adult to make their own decisions."
When you're ready to take the first step in discussing this topic with your teen turned adult, Lalley suggests starting with these questions:
1) Who would you want to make decisions for you in regard to medical, legal, and financial issues in the event you cannot make those for yourself?
2) Would you want lifesaving measures taken in the event of a serious medical injury, and what specifically do those lifesaving measures look like?
Have power of attorney for your children
While no one likes to think about these things, Lalley underscores the importance of explaining to your child the gravity of these topics, on which most people have a strong opinion. Ultimately, "thinking of these things ahead of time is what allows a young adult's wishes to be honored," Lalley said.
Power of attorney is a legal document appointing someone to act in your place; in other words, it authorizes someone else to handle certain matters, such as finances or healthcare, on your behalf. When a power of attorney is durable, it remains in effect even if you become incapacitated because of illness or an accident. In the case of most healthy, young adults, durable power of attorney is the way to go.
"While general power of attorney will expire or cease to remain in effect if the person who is the subject of the power of attorney becomes incapacitated or dies, the durable power of attorney survives and continues on following the person becoming disabled or incapacitated," Lalley said.
For parents of newly adult children, especially those in college, the healthcare power of attorney and/or healthcare proxy is perhaps most important. In fact, it's the only way for parents to remain involved in their young adult child's medical care should they suffer extensive injuries.
These documents are followed only if available in the event of a medical event. So once they're drawn up, keep them handy.
"When a child turns 18 and goes off to college, their world gets a whole lot bigger. There are more opportunities but also more risks," Lally said.
Seek out a trust and estate attorney who's well versed not only in these topics but also in the myriad options and forms these documents can take. Their expertise will likely lead to things you and your adult child had never considered, which might be the gift that truly keeps on giving: peace of mind.