- I travel frequently, but packing always stressed me out because my clothes never felt like me.
- But I didn't understand why I was so bothered by something so trivial.
I have always found packing for trips stressful.
It means making a lot of choices all at once and in advance. I became a carry-on-only devotee and a last-minute packer so I wouldn't have as much time to overthink my choices. But what I hated even more was arriving somewhere with a bag full of clothing that simply wasn't me.
The clothes were mine, of course; I packed them. But for years, I thought I should pack solid colors that went with everything, no graphics, and far more skirts and dresses than I had ever worn in daily life. I was packing for who I thought I should be — not my real self.
Eventually, I learned I was experiencing gender dysphoria and came out as nonbinary.
I accidentally dressed like someone else whenever I traveled until one trip to Cuba
Packing became a problem for me when I left the country for longer stretches of time: a month, six weeks, three months. I felt uncomfortable, outside myself, and depressed every time I opened my suitcases and dressed myself.
In 2010, I landed in Cuba with a suitcase full of sandals, bright florals, skirts, and stripes. But Havana was battered with cold and stormy weather. Even after the rain stopped and temperatures improved, I realized I was spending three months away from home with the wrong type of clothing.
Eventually, I went to a local skate shop and bought knock-off Converse Chuck Taylor sneakers with dragons embroidered on them. That night, I went out wearing my new low tops, a graphic T-shirt, jeans, and the one flannel I snuck in my bag. I finally felt settled — like myself again.
I eventually realized my feelings were a sign of gender dysphoria
On every trip, packing became more difficult. I was confused why something so trivial made me so upset on every trip.
It wasn't until I started experiencing the same empty feeling at home that I realized it wasn't about travel. It was about a lot more than just clothes. I didn't have the word for it yet, but it was gender dysphoria making all those years of traveling feel so uncomfortable for me in the wrong clothes, with it hard for me to enjoy each day.
As a fat, disabled, and nonbinary person on a budget, I never felt like my clothes were totally mine. I grew jealous of people who filled their closets with clothes they liked and of people who thought of dressing and packing as low-stakes activities.
I then found gender euphoria — at home and on the road
A few years later, I found a sleeveless dress shirt that I loved. It was light gray and boxy. It had a white collar and a high, notched neckline. I felt the difference immediately, and so did everyone else; people jumped to compliment me on it. That's the thing about gender euphoria: It's undeniable. I don't know if it's just the internal glow it gives me — or if I just really look that damn good — but people often compliment me when I'm experiencing true gender euphoria.
It took a few years after I started consciously cultivating moments of gender euphoria to start identifying as nonbinary. Now my suitcase is full of jumpsuits in every color, patterned matching sets, colorful suits, and my disco-ball blazer. I also now know my overalls are worth the space — even if I need to unzip the expander on my carry-on or (gasp) check a bag.
As I got ready for my first few trips since the pandemic started, including my first long trip in years, I did my best not to make the same mistakes again. I made lists and purged my closet. I'm still working on it, still overpacking, and still agonizing over what to wear.
But I'm also doing a better job of listening to my instincts and prioritizing whatever feels most like me.