I taught my kids about safe words. Their interactions have never been better.
- I'm a mom of a 9-year-old and a 6-year-old who used to fight frequently.
- I've introduced safe words into our lives so it's easy for everyone to know when to stop.
I love listening to my 9-year-old and my 6-year-old play. But I frequently hear shouts of "no" and "stop" — sometimes they're said in anger, but often they're surrounded by giggles.
Like most siblings, my kids chase, tickle, and fight with each other. Most of the time it's fun, but it can easily stop being fun. That's why we have a safe word in our house.
When we want everything to stop, we say "red." Introducing safe words to my kids has made it easier to draw clear boundaries and stop play when they actually want to stop.
I'm always teaching them about consent
Teaching consent is an ongoing process. Though it's easy to say "no means no" and "stop means stop," sometimes "no" and "stop" actually mean wait or slow down.
Since "no" and "stop" are a regular part of our lexicon, our safe word is something that just wouldn't just slip out — the implications of saying and hearing "red" are clear. "Red" means hands off and step back. And it works.
Safe words are mostly associated with sex and BDSM communities as a way to help participants step back and reassess their safety and comfort. But that's not the only space where they exist.
I learned about safe words through romance novels — Katee Robert's characters, for example, routinely choose and use safe words. I've read a book where a character used her safe word after throwing out her back during sex, and another where a character used her safe word because her phone kept ringing.
Safe words aren't about sex. They're about stopping.
Throughout these books, characters are repeatedly asked for and reminded about their safe words — a practice we use in our house as well. Whenever I hear play getting a bit intense, I remind my kids to say "red" if they want to stop. Sometimes one of them says it right away. Other times they say they remember and continue playing. We've shared the word on playdates, and my husband and I have said "red" when we've reached our own limits.
Safe words already exist around children
While the term "safe word" may come across as outlandish or inappropriate for kids, safe words have existed in play for a long time. When we say "time out" and make a T with our hands, or when we call out "mercy" or say "uncle" while wrestling, we're using a safe word. The difference in our house is that we've called attention to our word and remind ourselves regularly of what it means.
What I want my kids — and all kids — to understand is that consent is given and consent can be taken away for whatever reason. They can consent to be tickled or chased and then choose to take that consent away. When they're older, they can consent to be kissed or touched, and they can choose to take that consent away.
As a parent, I know I can't protect my kids from everything, but I can do my best to help them understand how to respect others' wishes and demand respect for their own.