I refuse to be solely responsible for creating the holiday magic for my family

• I'm married and have two sons, and all the planning and executing for the holidays fell on me.
• Now I've involved my kids when it comes to cooking and my husband when it comes to presents.

There are many unspoken expectations of me as a mother. This includes physical, emotional, and mental labor that is uncompensated and often unrecognized.

When my kids were very young, I quickly learned that it was up to me to do all of the "behind the scenes" work to enable things to run smoothly in the home. As a stay-at-home mom, I was content to take on this responsibility.

Now, my kids are getting older, and I've been working for several years. I'm taking stock of what really matters and am looking for ways to ensure that everyone's needs are met in a way where we all take on responsibility in the home. As the holiday season approaches, I've decided that when it comes to the invisible workload of motherhood, I am at a point where "creating all the holiday magic" is something I am no longer willing to do.

I've felt pressure in the past to perform for my family members

There have been many years where I have felt pressure to execute a full Thanksgiving dinner for my family and relatives. Christmas has been an even bigger source of stress as it was up to me to do all of the planning, shopping, wrapping, and cooking.

A recurring nightmare for me is that it is Christmas Eve, and I realize that I somehow have failed to prepare for the big day, and the weight of everyone's expectations overwhelms me.

As a mom to three boys who was raised as a conservative Mormon, it never occurred to me that I had any other choice than to take on the roles prescribed to me, including the role of mom who does all that she can to make the holidays perfect for her family.

I'm making changes in my life

Over the last several years, I have undergone a personal transformation. I have left the church of my upbringing and the ideas of what it means to be a good wife and mother along with it. Now, I focus on what works best for us as a family, whether it follows tradition or not.

For example, last Thanksgiving, everyone in our family contributed to preparing and cooking our Thanksgiving feast. My three sons helped to prep, cook, and clean, and it ended up being one of our best meals yet. They felt pride in knowing that they had helped the meal come together. This year, an opportunity to stay at a family member's home over Thanksgiving has led us to make the decision to forgo the traditional meal entirely and enjoy some time at the beach instead.

We have made changes to the way we celebrate other holidays as well. My husband, who has never been a big fan of Christmas, is now much more involved in the shopping, wrapping, and cooking, and he admits that this involvement has helped him to appreciate the holiday in a new way. He sees the joy on our sons' faces on Christmas Day and knows that he played a part.

We are also working on teaching our sons the joy of giving to others by shopping for their friends and families.

These changes have allowed me the space to look forward to holidays and enjoy them alongside my husband and sons rather than taking on all of the stress of making everything magical for everyone else.

I've let go of the idea that I need to do "all the things" for holidays to be special. Holidays are special simply because we are spending time together as a family.