- I was the kind of person who always had their phone on 2% battery and kept misplacing it.
- I reached out to an executive functioning expert to help our family with our issues.
I attended an open house at my daughter's school where teachers encouraged me and the other parents to help our kids develop good Executive Function — or EF — skills. Before then, I'd never heard the term, which refers to the set of skills that help a student anticipate and meet deadlines, catch a bus, remember to their pack lunch, and place their homework in the proper folder.
I missed the beginning of the lecture because I'd misplaced my cell phone and was late leaving my house. I couldn't call myself to locate my cell because it was dead; my phone is usually at 2% battery.
As I sat among parents who appeared much less frazzled and better dressed, it dawned on me that I needed EF support too. I never miss a writing deadline, and I manage a library using the Dewey Decimal system. But there's no similar cataloging system for shoes and the cell phone my 10-year-old and 3-year-old wander the house with — I eventually found it in the laundry hamper.
The way I saw it, I needed to put on my own oxygen mask before I could help my kids.
We went through what stressed all of us
Themba Tutors is one of many organizations that offer virtual EF coaching for people of all ages. When I contacted them, Craig Selinger, the CEO of Themba Tutors, took a family intake and asked each of us what things often stressed us out. For me, it was my phone, but for my partner, it was losing her glasses, and for my kids: shoes. We have a history with shoes in my family; I gave birth to my second daughter on the bedroom floor, and I couldn't make it to the hospital because my other family members were looking for shoes.
Selinger assured me that my family wasn't alone. Hybrid work situations, setting up multiple offices, the increased demands of technology, and higher levels of anxiety and depression across the population, have made EF skills harder to cultivate, he said.
My coach explained that we often prioritize which things we organize based on what impacts us emotionally. He gave the example from his own family: Selinger said that he tends to go through his children's folders, recycle their old worksheets and projects, and put frame-able art in a drawer — He said that his wife had other emotional priorities with the children.
We then had to go over our priorities
When Selinger asked me to examine my own priorities, I admitted that I resented being tethered to my cell phone. At the same time, I said that I feel like I'm missing a limb when I don't have my phone with me during errands. However, I told him that haven't reached the point where the discomfort of losing my phone forced me to address the situation — though I said that I am getting close.
"And what about my kids' shoes?" I asked Selinger. "We have a shoe rack, but I can't get them to use it." A long bus commute means that my older kid rushes to use the bathroom as soon as she gets home, abandoning her shoes in the hallway or even in the bathroom, where I've also found her backpack. Selinger said I needed to show empathy towards my daughter's long commute while insisting that she uses the shoe rack every day until it becomes automatic for her.
When we make something an emotional priority, I learned that we make space for it. I've resolved to tackle our common shoe-related issues first. As for the stress I feel about my phone and all the demands on working parents, I plan to follow up with Themba Tutors, my own therapist, and our family counselor. So I have more appointments to make — as soon as I find my phone.