- Co-bathing always felt normal and helped my toddler and I get to bed on time.
- When my mother judged me for co-bathing, I questioned it and asked my mom friends their opinion.
Despite spending many late nights reading books and articles on motherhood while pregnant, nothing prepared me for the reality. Motherhood was a learning process filled with trials and errors. During those first few days, one of my mom friends commended me for the most basic hygienic accomplishment: making time to brush my teeth once in a period of 24-hours. "Bathing was a bonus," she said, "during the first few weeks of giving birth because, "there's no time for yourself."
She was correct.
When my son was a toddler and attending nursery school, we maintained a tight schedule: bath time, playtime, dinner, reading a book, and bedtime. Since he had outgrown his toddler sink tub and was uncomfortable bathing on his own, we showered together — him standing behind me playing with an assortment of bath toys as I lathered up and shielded water from his face. Once I finished, it was his turn. This system helped us get to bed on time and ensured that, as a first-time, often exhausted mom, we were both clean. I never gave co-bathing much thought until my mother visited.
Co-bathing felt natural until I was judged for it
I needed to travel so instead of taking him to nursery school, my mother came to stay so she and my son could spend quality time together. Upon my return, she mentioned that she took a shower during his midday nap and at night while he slept. As an empty nester, she had the luxury of bathing twice a day. When I asked why she didn't take him in the shower with her for at least one of those times, she said, "Kids of a certain age shouldn't shower with adults." Her tone included a strong emphasis on the words "a certain age." I explained that we always showered together. In response, she frowned and mentioned something about "that kind of behavior," reiterating her original standpoint.
I chuckled at her response, but internally, I was taken aback by the absurdity of it. My mother notoriously made extraordinary statements that only made sense to her but, even for her, this seemed over the top. It also made me feel like I was doing something wrong or I wasn't a good enough mother. Co-bathing with my son seemed natural — he was mine, birthed from my body following almost 40 hours of labor.
After pondering my mother's statement, I surmised that age three or four would be a good time for my son to start bathing solo. Just to be sure, I asked my sister and a few other mom friends about co-bathing with their kids; the consensus was a hard stop by age 2, except for one who co-bathed with her boys until they were 4 years old.
My parenting style focused on body positivity
The ironic thing was my maternal grandmother, Selsie, used to walk around her home wearing panties as she prepared to get dressed. I distinctly recall my mother chastising her mother about "putting on clothes." My mother had pointed out that "children were around" — meaning me and my brother, each about 6 or 7 years old.
Eventually, my grandmother's nudity became a point of contention between my mother and grandmother. It was perhaps why my mother often gifted her mother housecoats and muumuus.
I pieced all this information together — my mother's comments, my friends' stance, and my grandmother's nudity — like a mental puzzle and arrived at the conclusion that these adult women were forcing hypersexuality on both my son and me.
Perhaps it was my new age-y parenting style sprinkled with child-led parenting, but being naked around my son for the purpose of bathing and saving time was benign and functional. Nothing I read indicated that co-bathing with my child was inappropriate. I wanted to promote body positivity, not shame, and hoped that he would learn to be comfortable in his own skin. I hoped he continued to ask questions — even the ones that made me stammer out an awkward, toddler-appropriate answer to complex questions like, "Why do you have a triangle by your legs?" This question came after he learned about shapes. And lastly, through co-bathing, I wanted to teach him good hygiene habits.
Eventually, we grew out of co-bathing
Co-bathing was also a learning experience for me. I learned to "listen" to my son's nonverbal communication cues. When he turned 3, he became super fidgety in the shower and declared he needed more space for his toys. I, too, felt like our co-bathing had become crowded. At the same time, we had both arrived at a need for separate bathing spaces.
These days, my son mostly bathes independently. We also practice "privacy moments," which means he's comfortable allowing me to shower solo with the door closed. In the past, I would always leave the door wide open so he could see me.
My style of parenting may be too liberal for my mother and some of my friends, but teaching my son good hygiene habits, body comfort, and being open to having conversations about nudity is a lesson in communication, transparency, and physical acceptance. It's one of the things I have got right about motherhood so far.