I learned from my mistakes. To be a good stepmother, you must first love the kids' mom.
- When my ex and I met, his kids were 6 and 4.
- I didn't really have a relationship with their mom while I was married to their dad.
It never works out well for the stepmom in fairy tales, but I found a way to debunk that myth.
Though I've been divorced for more than five years, I still consider my former role as stepmom one of the most significant periods of personal growth in my life.My biggest mistake as a stepmom was failing to know, love, or appreciate my stepchildren's mom. She's one of the most incredible women in my life, but we had an unnecessarily complicated path to friendship.
I didn't have a relationship with her at first
I met my ex-husband's twin boys and daughter at a pumpkin patch in October 2015 when the boys were almost 6 and the girl was 4. While we could not have scripted a better first meeting for me, what I completely missed was the need to bring the kids' mom along for the ride.
I fell in love with the kids instantly. They were sweet, well-adjusted, healthy children who had endless love and affection to share. Then, as time went by, I went from girlfriend to fiancée to wife and, by default, to stepmom. That transition seemed simple for the kids, but for their mom, I remained an elusive figure hell-bent on strict boundaries between our homes because my ex-husband wanted it that way.I regret the walls I put up, keeping her at an emotional distance, even though she was warm and inquisitive about me and about the life her children were leading about 40% of the time at our house. I didn't want her to come in beyond the foyer. I cringed when I had to sit with her at a basketball game while she socialized with all the other moms who I assumed hated me. I made little effort to really get to know her.All the while, I gave credit to myself for not bad-mouthing her and for vaguely acknowledging her, including helping the kids make Valentine's Day crafts for her. But dipping chocolate-covered marshmallow sticks in red sprinkles was a feeble attempt to do what I should have done better.
I should've done things differently
I wish I had opened my heart to her sooner. Early into dating her dad, my stepdaughter pointed out that her mom and I both love coffee. I smiled and moved on. What I should have done was invite her mom to coffee with me. I should have created a forum for us to get to know each other. After all, shouldn't I be modeling healthy relationships for my stepchildren?
My most painful regret is that after my ex and I were married, she sat down with us, pleading to change the every-other-weekend schedule to match her new boyfriend's, who also was balancing a co-parenting schedule with his own ex-wife. I discouraged my husband from complying because it messed up plans we'd already made, which we easily could have rearranged.We came together for the kids
When my ex-husband and I split, she and I moved from circumstantially contentious to supporting each other as a mom and a stepmom and fundamentally as women. We came together to help the kids find stability and ultimately bonded in the process.