Thelife- Luana Ribeira is a 41-year-old mother of three living in Wales.
- She had her first two children in her 20s and her third when she was nearly 40.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Luana Ribeira. It has been edited for length and clarity.
When I became pregnant for the first time at 26, it was a huge, happy surprise. I had always been told by doctors I was infertile, so it never crossed my mind that I would be able to grow a baby inside me.
Before I found out I was pregnant, I was wild — partying and drinking all the time. My life was directionless, and I didn't know who I was or what I was working toward. When I discovered I was expecting, I could no longer suppress those feelings with alcohol. Soon, I felt I had lost my identity. I was no longer wild and free but didn't feel quite like a mother, either.
Only 18 months after my daughter Seren was born, I had her sister, Electra.
I struggled
During those early days of motherhood, my husband and I were just trying to make ends meet. He worked as an electrician, and I worked as a personal trainer. Even with two jobs and working overtime, we were always broke and always stressed.
Both girls were in full-time childcare, and I felt like I barely saw them in those early years. I struggled to balance going after my goals and being a mother. Feeling torn as being a parent was holding me back from achieving the career goals I had set for myself.
I had these dreams of becoming the woman I was meant to be but needed to focus on bringing up two babies. I often wished they could be more independent. I missed so many precious moments with them when they were little, which I regret now.
After my business collapsed, I moved, separated from my husband, and found my purpose
I invested in a business I believed could be successful. Then it crashed, and I lost everything.
I just had to get away. As a family, we moved from the UK to Portugal in 2017. My husband and I eventually separated but continued to live together for the three years we were in Portugal. It was during this time that I decided to start my own public-relations company.
When we moved back to the UK during the pandemic, I continued to grow my business and finally felt my life had a purpose. I was becoming more stable, both personally and financially.
For the first time, I felt I was standing strong. My girls were more independent by this point, and I thought back to how much I had missed when they were little. I had this overwhelming desire to have another baby, even though I was nearly 40.
I had another baby 3 weeks before turning 40
I talked to my new partner, and we decided to try for a baby. It took three years, but I finally got pregnant and then gave birth to my little boy, Celyn, three weeks before I turned 40. My girls weren't initially excited by the news but eventually warmed up to the idea.
Having a baby this time around has been different.
Since my business is now established, all I need to do is oversee it. I was out of the house from 5 a.m. to 10 p.m. when the girls were little. I feel like I've got the balance between working during the day and being present when I'm with Celyn. I'm getting to experience all those little moments I missed before.
When the girls were little, I felt triggered by certain behaviors because I didn't understand their needs or mine. If they threw a tantrum, I thought they were being naughty, would get overwhelmed, and wouldn't know how to cope. Now I can look at those tantrums from a toddler's perspective and ask what Celyn isn't understanding and help him understand his big emotions. His tantrums aren't a reflection on me but on his developmental stage.
Being in my 40s, I feel much more confident as a mother. I've thrown out the baby books and am doing what is best for my family. I'm raising Celyn in a way that feels right for me. Instead of looking to other people for advice, I'm trusting my intuition.
People are often surprised by the fact that I'm over 40 with a toddler. They ask whether my energy levels are lower now than when I was in my 20s. I tell them it's the opposite. In my 20s, I didn't respect my body. Now I eat well, exercise, avoid alcohol, and don't do anything negative to my body, so I've got more energy now.