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I got divorced when my twins were 3 years old. I quit my full-time job and started my own business to spend more time with them — and I don't regret it.

Dec 22, 2022, 19:17 IST
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Ash Jurberg and his boys wearing jerseys.Courtesy of Ash Jurberg
  • During my divorce, it was hard to be apart from my 3-year-old twins some of the time.
  • When I did have them, I was working full time, and balancing work with being a dad was difficult.
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I was 36 years old when I separated from my wife.

I had just started a new job with a one-hour commute each way, and my life was turned upside down. I had never envisaged moving from a large four-bedroom family house to a small bachelor's apartment.

I had fallen out of love with my wife, so being separated from her didn't faze me, but the thought of not putting my sons to bed every night ripped at my heart.

At first, I had delusions of becoming Mrs. Doubtfire to spend more time with my children when it wasn't my week to have them. While there was a temptation to wallow in self-pity, I had two 3-year-old boys who needed me. And to be honest, I needed them.

I shed more tears in the first few months of my divorce than I had in my previous 36 years

It's a challenge being a single parent, even more so with 3-year-old twins. There was a lot of frustration and anxiety. I found it hard to juggle work and being a single father, and to be frank, my cooking skills were lacking — as my sons were not afraid to tell me. At that age, they were already budding food critics.

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But the worst was when I had to drop the boys off at their mother's knowing I wouldn't see them for a week. Each time, it hit me hard as they ran out of my car to their "other home," and I would have a lonely drive back to an empty apartment.

I had to focus on being the best dad I could be

There are stereotypes of single dads — the deadbeat dad, the swinging bachelor dad, or Mr. Mom. I wasn't any of those. It was a challenging time, but I had a plan to juggle parenting, work, and, after some time, dating.

Sometimes my tears were those of joy. On my first Father's Day as a single father, the boys picked out a "World's Best Dad" mug for me and assured me they believed it was a title I deserved.

Jurberg and his twins celebrating Christmas.Courtesy of Ash Jurberg

Communicating with an ex-partner can be challenging, especially when so much emotion and hurt are involved

The first year or so after we separated, my relationship with my ex-wife was strained and our communication was fraught. But when you have children with someone, the term "till death do us part" rings true. Even if you choose to split, you are forever bound to them, so you need to try and maintain an amicable relationship.

I decided to establish what I termed a "business relationship" with my ex. I would use the same tone of voice and approach I used with business clients. All communication was in writing and without emotion. Messages were kept to simple requests and exchanges of administrative information: "What time are you picking up the boys?" "Thomas is sick today." "Charlie needs to practice his reading this weekend."

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I also created a spreadsheet on Google Docs so we could access a shared calendar of the boys' events and update it with notes.

My long work hours affected my parenting, so I quit my job and started my own business

I was very fortunate to have the help of my parents. They would pick up the children from kindergarten or daycare and often cook dinner for them when I was stuck at work.

While I appreciated this, I did feel guilty when I missed out on some of their activities. So, I decided to quit my job — the long commute and the demands of running a large marketing team weren't worth the sacrifice of missing out on time with my children. I decided to start my own travel business where I could set my own flexible hours and work from home when I wanted. Financially, I took a hit, but it allowed me to pick up the children every day and eventually attend their concerts, sporting events, and parties.

I would catch up on work once the boys were asleep. It made for some long nights, but it was worth it to be even more present in their lives.

I was often the only father present, as many dads were too busy at work. I felt lucky to be able to be such an integral part of their lives. As the boys got older, the freedom of being my own boss allowed me to coach their football team and attend all their school events.

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Jurberg and his boys playing tennis.Courtesy of Ash Jurberg

I learned that in parenting, there is no place for good cop-bad cop

Initially, I tried to overcompensate for the separation. Every time one of my sons asked for something, I bought it. If they wanted extra dessert, I gave it to them. If their mother said no to something, I immediately said yes.

This was short-sighted and designed to win their affection. I had to learn to say no to them, to not indulge every request they made. I also had to make sure not to turn their mother into the bad guy, as tempting as it was.

This was hard. To be honest, though I was angry at their mother, I would never say anything bad about her in front of the children. It was hard to be enthusiastically positive, but I was always neutral. I was Switzerland.

I eventually started dating again

If life followed the script of a romantic comedy, I would have gone on a series of amusing dates and wild escapades that would be covered in a three-minute montage.

The reality was that it was hard to juggle dating while being a single father. I also needed to find someone who could appreciate and understand my situation and, perhaps, meet the boys.

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Jurberg and his twins, now 16.Courtesy of Ash Jurberg

Sometimes I would cancel a date because one of my kids was sick or I had a scheduling conflict, because the priority was always my boys.

Luckily, after several years, I found someone who fit into our lives and became my partner — and eventually their stepmother. Plus, the boys appreciated her cooking far more than my bland efforts.

In the end, I wouldn't change a thing

Maybe the story does have a true Hollywood happy ending. The boys are now 16 and have grown into mature, well-grounded, intelligent, and happy children. If I had stayed with their mother, they might have grown up in a negative environment instead of two very positive, supportive households. The breakup of my marriage may have been the making of them.

I also think I have done an excellent job as a father. After all, I have the coffee mug to prove it.

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