- Sara Lyle and her husband both had difficult divorces before starting a blended family last year.
- They're raising three sons — his teenagers and her 8-year-old — together.
Let me first say I'm not an expert on blended families. Sure, I read and watch advice from folks who are knowledgeable on the topic. But most of what I've learned has been by doing after my 8-year-old son and I moved in with my husband and his two older boys — now 13 and 15 — last December.
Second, without oversharing, I'll go on record as saying both my husband and I have gone through high-conflict divorces. If you know, you know.
But I'm a glass-half-full person, and one of my mantras about blending this family is that it's not easy, but it's worth it. Because we are both on our second — and final — marriage, we're probably even more committed to raising well-adjusted kids.
The nice thing about doing this with him? We have similar backgrounds and upbringings since we're from the same Florida beach town. Though we've been friends since seventh grade, we never dated in school. After graduating high school, we each went off to separate colleges, got married, moved around, and traveled the world. Previously, I was living as a working single mom in Singapore.
Then, last June — while I was minding my own single-mom business, living back in our hometown — he wished me a belated birthday on Facebook Messenger. Once I overcame the shock that he was divorcing, too, we started a conversation that flowed naturally over the weeks. We eventually decided to hang out the next time he was in town. At the time, he was in Colorado, where our family of five now lives.
Our first date was the best first date of my life
In the beginning, I didn't want to call it a "date" — this was just reconnecting with an old friend I hadn't seen in decades. It ended up being my best first date ever. When he was planning it, he asked if I had any requests. I said, "A sunset?" And he delivered. After some heated ax-throwing downtown and a stroll along a popular promenade into the Atlantic Ocean, we had dinner on the water — where I had front-row seats to a sky full of stars.
Neither of us wanted the date to end. With a local country music station playing on the radio in his SUV, we drove back and forth along Indian River Drive with the moon reflecting on the Intracoastal.
Fast forward to many late-night conversations — thanks to the time difference — more meetups and, finally, making the decision for me and my son to move to Colorado. We officially tied the knot on my husband's birthday this September.
I wouldn't have uprooted my son from Florida if I had doubts about the strength of my relationship with my now-husband, but I was nervous about creating an "instant family." I've since learned there are a lot more people than us figuring out this blended family stuff. The latest study by the US Census Bureau indicated nearly 4 million households in America included stepchildren or half-siblings, essentially the criteria for having a blended family.
With that, here are my four tips for blending a family on your terms.
1. Include the kids in major life decisions
To my husband's credit, he individually asked each of his two boys for their blessing throughout every step of our evolving relationship, from when we started dating long-distance to before my son and I moved here to before my husband proposed to me over Memorial Day weekend. He talked to all three boys for the latter, who gave a unanimous thumbs up.
It's important to include children from blended families in life-changing decisions because it can lessen their potential anxiety over everyone living together, strengthen family bonds, and validate their importance within the family unit. HelpGuide.org says strong communication and talking can prevent children from feeling uncertain or concerned.
For us, it just seemed like the right thing to do. Children of all ages have feelings, opinions, and worries. So, I always think if I was in their shoes, I would want to know what was going on, too. Of course, we try to keep things age-appropriate.
2. Control what you can and let go of the rest
My husband and I have found a lot of helpful advice from "The Parallel Parenting Solution: Eliminate Conflict with Your Ex, Create the Life You Want," a book by Carl Knickerbocker, published in 2021. Knickerbocker is a divorce attorney, and his "Unapologetic Parenting" podcast, Instagram, and YouTube accounts are also worth checking out.
Beyond advocating for making your household run as autonomously as possible, thereby eliminating unnecessary communication and potential friction with any ex-partners, he inspires readers to follow their own vision and values in building a healthy family environment. "As a parent, giving your kids the living example of an intentionally defined, well-crafted life is gold," he wrote.
While many experts on divorce and kids say it's best to keep things such as schedules and discipline as consistent as possible between the two houses — particularly for younger children — that tactic hasn't worked particularly well for us thus far. Instead, we make decisions based on what we think is best for our uniquely blended family. This includes things as varied as what we serve for meals and when the kids go to sleep. Beyond that, we try to let go and trust that our children are well taken care of while with their other parents.
3. Build bonding opportunities
My mom and dad were big on eating together as a family, and I can't count the number of road trips we took over the years. My husband's childhood was similar. So, even if our boys groan about having to gather around the breakfast or dinner table or squabble on family vacations, we know that it's the stuff they'll remember when they grow up, and it will bring them closer together in the meantime.
One challenge we've faced is the age gap between our 8-year-old and his teenage step-brothers. We try to emphasize their similarities — our youngest and oldest are both bookworms and like a lot of the same humor, whereas our middle son and youngest both like outdoor activities — and organize different family outings that appeal to at least two at a time. Hey, a 66% success rate isn't bad! Otherwise, we enforce patience and empathy for one another.
4. Remember, if your relationship isn't good, the family isn't good
You've probably heard the sexist-ish saying, "Happy wife, happy life." While it may be true, it goes both ways. My husband and I focus on our relationship first and foremost. Being at each others' throats makes us more tense as parents and isn't good for the kids. It's why we make time for each other — particularly on weekends without the kids — and try to talk through the hard stuff rather than let it fester.
We knew that moving in together and getting married would be a package deal — it wouldn't be just the two of us. By including our children in family decisions, creating bonding moments, and generally trying to be good examples of loving parents, we hope to raise good men, not just good boys.
Got a personal essay about living abroad or parenting that you want to share? Get in touch with the editor: akarplus@insider.com.