- I first came out to my wife, who fully accepted me, and then to our three children.
- We had a fourth child after my coming out as
trans .
Since I was little, I knew I was transgender. But when I was growing up in the '80s, there were no positive narratives about transgender people. We were presented as the punch line of jokes.
One year I dressed as a princess for Halloween; I went out the door feeling so happy. But people mocked me, and I felt the gut punch of society's reaction to me trying to be myself.
So I learned to live in the closet. The only way I saw to be successful and have the things that I wanted in life was to hide. I lived in fear of my real identity being exposed, even when I was presenting as male, and being stripped of everything: my career, reputation, wife, and kids.
When I finally found the courage to be open and honest with my family and work peers, it turned out to be a beautiful experience. I often wish I had been brave enough to come out earlier.
I came out first to my wife and to our children shortly after
In 2017, I came out first to my wife, bracing for the worst — that she would be repelled by my expression of my gender. I feared we would end up separating. Instead, it turned out to be the opposite.
We had a good relationship for 10 years before I came out, and she always knew I was different. But since I came out of the closet, we have sex more often in a much more fun and exciting way. We grew even closer.
I adore her for accepting me as my true self. Being openly trans also means being deeply vulnerable. We became more caring with each other and more sensitive.
When I came out to her, we had three kids, and not long after, we had a fourth on the way.
For a few weeks, my wife and I kept it as our secret. But the kids started to realize. As I explored myself and my identity more publicly, they started asking me questions like, "Are you wearing mascara?"
My wife and I both knew that keeping it our secret was another form of staying in the closet. She would have to come out as a lesbian, and I would have to come out as a trans woman, and we couldn't allow shame to rule when pride was an option.
It was scary to come out to our kids
One of our biggest fears was how coming out would impact the kids. They are our everything.
I was afraid they would reject the idea of me being a woman. It terrified me to think that my coming out would shake the foundation we had built for them. Just thinking of the possibility of their friends making fun of them because of my choices was paralyzing.
Kids have this way of understanding things at a different level. When I finally gathered the courage to tell them that I was trans, it turned out beautifully. They all said it made sense to them — that I was never like their friends' dads.
The funniest and most surprising thing was how their friends reacted. I instantly became the most popular parent. Kids would come up to me from nowhere to say hi. I hadn't anticipated it, but being openly trans signaled to kids the message they most want to hear: You are free to be yourself.
I want to tell my story to help others
Being openly transgender can be scary in today's society. I share my story because I know that most of us still live in fear — in the closet with no narratives of success and happiness to follow.
Since coming out, I have had numerous encounters with trans people in the closet who were inspired by my openness to come out, or who at least found hope in their lives. I have also had encounters with cisgender people who felt I helped them to understand their kids, their siblings, or even their own parents.
We are now a family of six, with two moms. I'm ready for the world to see more of us to help others who might be in the same situation I was years ago to feel seen, and give them reassurance that everything will be OK.
For me, it's been more than that. I'm finally who I've always been —publicly, proudly, and sometimes loudly.