I asked my 9th-grade students what they wished their parents understood about being in high school. Here are their answers.

• I've been a schoolteacher for almost 20 years.
• I teach high schoolers and asked my class what they wished parents understood.

As a high-school English teacher, I think a lot about how to help others communicate more effectively. So in the spring, as I was discussing with my ninth graders how much they'd changed since August in "all the ways," I found myself also thinking of their parents.

Caregivers often ask me about these teenage changes with a certain ringing of their hands. It's hard, they tell me, to persuade their newly minted high schooler to explain what they want and need, especially when it comes to their involvement in their child's school life.

That's when I decided to make it an assignment.

"Folks," I said, passing out anonymous notecards, "we're going to work on writing with clarity and purpose, all while doing some good for future freshmen and their families. Think back to that young person you were in the fall of 2022 and everything that's happened since. If you could, what would you tell your parents about this year that would help them help you?"

My students responded with earnestness, appreciation, and humor. Of course, their answers were wide-ranging — though most students either wanted more involvement from their caregivers or way more space. But as I organized the feedback, I found a few clear themes.

Prepare for awkwardness

Most families know the eighth-to-ninth-grade jump is significant, but many students seemed to think parents would benefit from more "real talk" about its significant:

• "One word: awkward."
  
• "I needed time to adjust and figure things out for the first couple of months. I was overwhelmed, even though it might not have looked like it."
  
• "In the fall, I was still basically an eighth grader. Parents should remember that. It takes a while to settle into so much new. I kind of feel those bad early grades were necessary and unavoidable."
  

Demonstrate curiosity

Many students said they wished their caretakers had a greater understanding of their courses' curriculum and homework requirements. Often, this was about the pressure they felt:

• "Actually, understanding the homework load of my classes would have helped because it felt like they were pushing me to do more, read more books, go to the gym more, volunteer, and I struggled to balance all that with the amount of school stuff I had to do."
  

Other times, it was about a desire for connection:

• "It would be cool to have my parents know more about the books we were reading so we could have conversations about them."
  
• "Checking in before I have tests and then asking how I do that would help motivate and encourage me."
  
• "When my parents talk to me about school, it's generally a very flat ask, like go study. This got old quickly because they didn't follow up or understand what I accrued. Managing is annoying, but curiosity is cool."
  

Expect shifts in friendship

Another comment thread was about parents being "more chill" about friendship dynamics:

• "Instead of constantly asking who my friends are, relax."
  
• "Friend groups shift, and that doesn't always mean something happened like a fight. That's just how high school is."
  

That said, friendship changes can be devastating, and students wanted to know if they needed them, their parents were there to help:

• "Checking in on how friends are is huge. I was hurt by being cut out of one group, and my parents gave me a place to process my emotions."
  

Remain their safe space

Students acknowledged the up-and-down nature of their teenage emotions, while wishing their parents had extended more compassion.

• "There's a lot of pressure — from everyone, including myself. Especially when I'm upset, just acknowledging more that this is a hard and new year would have lightened some of the pressure."
  

Some stressed that even if they weren't struggling — and were often doing well academically — they still longed to be shown concern:

• "I wish they would check in more about how I'm doing in school beyond my grades. My sibling, who needs more academic help, gets the attention, so sometimes I feel it's assumed I'm fine and don't need help."
  

And many students emphasized how essential their parents' support was:

• "Having my parents care about my schoolwork and emotional life helped me not fail school completely and keep a healthy perspective."
  
• "Their continued support was everything. I needed my parents to stay as my safe space. I mostly have to be grown up at school, so at home, it helps to be able to be little again."
  

No matter what new grade, club, or school your child begins this fall, I hope my ninth graders' responses remind you how important it is to talk (or write) to them about all the things transitional experiences require of everyone. Despite the eye rolls you may get from your emotional and amazing teenager, trust me, it's a worthwhile assignment.