I always wanted to have a large family. At 40, I still don't have kids, but I've found my own way to parent.

• From a young age, I wanted a large family.
• When I started dating a woman, my mother worried I wouldn't have children.

As the oldest of five, I always imagined I'd have a large family. In junior high, when I read "Cheaper by the Dozen," I decided 12 was the perfect number of kids. That number dropped significantly as I grew older, but I still planned on having children.

I discussed my hope for kids with my boyfriends. At 27, with an almost fiancé, I even went through hormone testing. But after a few failed relationships, I'm now 40, and children no longer seem to be on the table.

I'm now finding a new way to parent as an aunt.

At 30, I had my last meaningful relationship

I hadn't ever thought about my sexual orientation, but when I was 30 I met this woman and felt a spark. We started dating, and I knew I'd eventually need to tell my Catholic mom.

After two months, my mother came over for lunch, and I told her I was dating a woman.

My mom wasn't angry — just despondent. To my surprise, she didn't even bring up her faith. Instead, she said with regret, "Monica, of all of you kids, I knew you'd be such a great mother." She talked about watching me grow up and noticing how much I loved to care for my siblings and do my babysitting jobs.

I laughed. "But Mom," I said, "I can still have kids if I'm with a woman."

Little did I know that would be my last meaningful romantic partnership.

That relationship ended, and I've remained single

After we broke up, I went out with a few people here and there, but nothing more.

As my early 30s passed, I drove friends to procedures to harvest and freeze their eggs, but I didn't freeze mine.

In January 2020, I decided I'd better get back on the dating apps. At nearly 37, I felt like time was running out. Twelve kids had been off the table for years, but I still wanted at least a few children.

When the pandemic hit, I still hadn't met anyone. I opted out of the dating apps; meeting up with strangers felt too risky with COVID-19 in the mix.

But though I didn't find a partner, I became close with my friend Chrissy.

Though I don't have kids of my own, I'm finally getting to parent

My friendship with Chrissy spilled over into a close bond with her husband and adorable elementary-school-aged boys.

Over the past few years I've attended countless sports practices and games for the boys, watched them so their parents could go on dates, and planned a birthday adventure. We spend Christmas Eve together every year.

The youngest recently picked out a leopard-print furry heart keychain at his school's holiday gift shop "because Monica has cats and loves them." It's been on my keys since the moment I opened his present.

When I babysit, the boys sometimes argue when I ask them to do something — especially when I've watched them over several days while their parents are away. "It's because of how comfortable they are with you," Chrissy says.

When I go to Chrissy's house on a Friday or Saturday for dinner and a movie, one of the boys asks, "Is Monica sleeping over?" For them, my presence is ordinary and regular. The youngest has even jokingly called me Momica.

Just as I would if I had my own kids, I've introduced the boys to games I love, like Dixit. We've watched beloved movies together, like "The Princess Bride" and "The Muppet Christmas Carol."

In all my years of dreaming about being a mom, I never imagined parenting might look like this. Though it didn't play out the way I expected, my world is still richer for the connection I have with the boys as their accidental aunt.