Dating in a time of TMI

Fresh out of a long-term relationship, Cobie-Ray Johnson pushed herself to go on 30 first dates to meet new people and practice her social skills last summer.

After a while, the 24-year-old bike courier and freelance writer from Virginia noticed a pattern. Sometimes, when a person opened up, an overwhelming amount of personal details came tumbling out.

One suitor spoke of her life-threatening disease within 25 minutes of meeting. By the end of the date, Johnson knew almost everything about her date's relationship with her parents and the multiple traumatic car accidents they'd been involved in.

On a different date where a similar experience of oversharing occurred, "the person ended up being very, very interested in me," Johnson, 24, told Business Insider. "But I was like, 'You don't know enough about me to have those feelings. You just feel bonded to me because now I know all this stuff about you.'"

Johnson isn't the only Gen Zer turned off by first-date oversharers. Plenty of young TikTokers now poke fun at "trauma-dumping" on first dates, whether they're observing other people or are guilty of it themselves. Several Gen Zers we spoke to said that strangers opening up too much, too soon is becoming a defining characteristic of their dating lives — and it's turning them off from dating altogether.

Gen Z is more open about mental health than previous generations

Leah Aguirre, a licensed clinical social worker based in San Diego, described trauma-dumping as "providing sensitive information before a person is ready or willing to receive the information." That's why it doesn't feel like simple sharing. Millennials might refer to similar behavior as TMI — too much information — while Gen Xers and boomers might simply describe it as telling all of your business.

Aguirre said trauma-dumping can include things like disclosing your mental health history or painful past experiences on the first or second date — before you know that you can truly trust the person or that they're even interested in hearing it.

"At least online, I feel like there's been a lot of deconstructing of social norms or cultural norms, especially around dating," Iniko Thornell, a 25-year-old neuroscience lab manager at New York University, told BI. "We almost skip the formality, or are more comfortable talking about deeper things rather than trying to engage in surface-level conversation with people."

While the reasons for trauma-dumping so soon when meeting a new person vary widely, some experts point to the fact that so many Gen Zers came of age during the pandemic. They may have less experience establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries.

According to a 2019 survey from the American Psychological Association, they're also more open to admitting their mental health struggles than other generations — and seeking out help.

Identity politics play a role, too. A recent survey, conducted by Business Insider in partnership with YouGov, of 1,880 American adults found that more than 26% of Gen Z identifies as something other than straight. Defining and delineating gender and sexual identities often came up on Johnson's first dates.

Because Johnson identifies as queer, she said several of the people she went out with on dates opened with, "When did you realize you were gay?"

Inevitably, that would turn to more intimate territory, like whether Johnson or her date was out to their family. "It always led to these deep conversations because it's a deep question for most people," she said.

The problem, she said, was that the conversations often led to trauma-dumping.

Gen Zers trauma-dump to connect more quickly

For Thornell, opening up a lot to a stranger doesn't necessarily constitute trauma-dumping — it all depends on the context.

"If it's something that seems natural to the conversation, I don't really have too much of a problem with it personally," she said, adding that if it seems to come out of nowhere or in a way that feels like the person has no other outlets to express themselves, she considers it trauma-dumping.

The line between healthy vulnerability and inconsiderate unloading can be thin, especially as people crave connection, Aguirre says.

Jessica Walmsley, a 21-year-old content creator from Australia, said she's experienced trauma-dumping a lot on first dates and feels like it can cause a relationship to move too fast — whether the person doing it is aware they're manufacturing intimacy or not.

"It's almost like you can't leave them because you've been through all the same things," Walmsley said. "They understand you like no other, and they create this whole false sense of security from it."

Trauma dumping can serve as a form of self-preservation

It's become more normalized among Gen Zers to put gender-identity and sexuality labels or mental-health diagnoses into their social media bios. Aguirre, the social worker, believes some trauma-dumping may be a way for people to quickly sum up who they are and preemptively weed out the people who won't accept them.

"Sometimes, I think it's to avoid future rejection," Aguirre said. "They'll put it all out there — 'Take it or leave it, this is who I am.'"

For trauma-dumpers, it can make sense to open up right away and cut to the chase with potential partners, but by doing so, they might shut down a connection without realizing it.

"They're not really bringing anything else, they're not talking to their interests or their values or they're relationships that are fulfilling in their lives because they're over-identifying with this part of them," Aguirre said.

"It can create almost like a dark cloud over a date," Walmsley said. "This person is oversharing a lot in their life. What are they going to be like down the track?"

Aguirre said that overidentifying with trauma can also overshadow other aspects of someone's personality.

"They're not talking to their interests or their values or the relationships that are fulfilling in their lives," she said, which can, ironically, hollow out the conversation.

Gen Zers call it out in themselves as much as their dates

As much criticism as trauma-dumping gets online, many Gen Zers admit they've been guilty of it, too.

"When I do find myself trauma-dumping, it's more so talking about my past experiences and just getting carried away with it," Paris Johnson, a 19-year-old who works at Target in Kalamazoo, Michigan, said. "It'll start off as a brief summary of what I've gone through and then turn into a 30-minute conversation about it because I just get so in-depth."

Thornell also admitted to trauma-dumping in the past, which is why she's "not as harsh on other people doing it."

"I do understand maybe where it comes from — things have just been building up and you just maybe haven't had a space to talk about it with someone," she said.

"I've definitely been guilty of it, especially when I was new to the dating world and I hadn't healed from a lot of my traumas," Walmsley said. "I would trauma-dump because I was just so desperate to have someone understand me."

The prevalence of trauma-dumping doesn't mean Gen Z struggles more than boomers or millennials. If anything, it could indicate a unique openness in Gen Zers to point out their contradictions more than other generations have.

But mainly, Gen Zers realize that the path to deeper connections isn't perfect — and can involve a few accidental overshares along the way. "I've never had any negative outcomes from trauma-dumping," Paris Johnson said. "Usually, someone ends up sharing what they've gone through as well."

Dive deeper: Check out our exclusive survey on what Gen Z believes and how they live, work, and love.