Emojis are an online-dating minefield: 5 women reveal the 'red flag' emojis to never use, including the worst one for sexting

• Five women on dating apps in New York discussed the good, the bad, and the cringe of emoji usage.
• They said too many emojis early on from a potential date can feel lazy, aggressive, or suspicious.

When she's bored on her break, Julia, a 24-year-old hairstylist, is used to opening up Hinge and Tinder. She's greeted by the familiar sight of thousands of the city's bachelors, neatly digitized and filtered by her preferences, like Cher's closet in "Clueless."

She's also used to the handful of heart and flame emojis waiting in her inbox. Usually she'll see a dozen sent in the past 48 hours, most of which she'll completely ignore.

Looking for love on dating apps in New York City leaves out the same IRL clues missing from most of our digital experiences: body language, facial expressions, tone. Emojis — animated symbols for tone, emotion, and expression — are what remain to bridge the gap.

Sometimes they do. Other times, emojis are used as mediocre cheat codes — an attempt to fast-track or fake sexual chemistry instead of coming up with creative, personalized introductions for each prospect.

When should emojis be used? How often? Which ones? To get a sense of the do's and don'ts of emojis in online dating in a major city, Insider spoke with five women in Brooklyn, ages 24 to 27, all of whom have been using apps to date cisgender, heterosexual men for years. (Insider has omitted their last names to protect their privacy.)

Using emojis early on feels 'lazy'

Perhaps unsurprisingly, responding to a woman's dating profile with only an emoji — no text — feels insultingly effortless. To Julia, 24; Katie, 26; and Kerry, Jess, and Lily, 27, it makes it clear that the sender is playing a numbers game, looking for something fast and casual.

Even if they're also seeking something casual, the women said they wouldn't reply to "lazy" introductions from men on principle — "unless they're incredibly hot," Jess said. "If they're super hot, I make anything work."

In conclusion: If you're initiating a conversation, use your words.

Red hearts are a red flag before a first date

Love emojis — hearts, heart eyes, etc. — are "the serious emoji" for Julia and Kerry, who described receiving them before a first date as a red flag.

A date allows you to test the chemistry with your romantic prospect — whether they smell good, whether the way they chew makes you want to excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and never come back — and referencing affection and intimacy before they've been experienced in person is "too fast to be real," Julia said.

At worst, a red heart off the bat feels manipulative. "They're trying to say we have this type of connection and 'I'm so into you' before it can be true," Kerry said. "We've barely spoken, and you're not even asking me a personal question or, like, trying to emotionally get to know me. You're just commenting on my appearance."

Jess was more direct: Red hearts, she said, are "corny as fuck."

The early use of flame emojis also gives "fuckboi" vibes, the women said. But they see it as less emotionally manipulative than the romantic cadre of emojis. Even if it might mean the sender is interested only in a hookup, it seems more honest.

Once a conversation starts, less is more with emojis

Once the conversation moves to texting — the first green light given to an online dating prospect — emojis tend to enter the picture.

As self-described "emoji minimalists," the women said they prefer emojis as an infrequent decoration for texts to reflect tone or show a bit of personality, but not as a substitute for conversation or a witty reply.

After all, emojis are linguistic umbrellas, and decoding which emotion they're supposed to be communicating (jealous, disappointed, excited) is always subjective.

When someone uses them too much, "you're not really getting a sense of their personality," Lily said. "You're getting the rough draft of how they feel about something, but even that's open to interpretation, because emoji mean something different to different people."

And when used too frequently, they can make someone come off as insecure or immature.

"I hate the laughing face when something is clearly not funny," Kerry said, describing it as a cheap shorthand for awkwardness. "Just say what you want to say."

Sometimes, though, emojis can up the fun. The women said that playful emojis — like a coffin or skull to signal a joke that landed well or an experience that's extra embarrassing — can be used to gauge a prospect's sense of humor.

"It's a very important step when you're starting to talk to someone," Katie said. "I feel like I'm vetting people. When I send experimental emoji — like the skull, or the smiley face with a cowboy hat — I'm pushing limits to see if they're funny or if they're a square."

After a first date, the rules of engagement change

While playing it cool pre-meetup is a turn-on, sweet emojis (the kissy face, the bashful smiley face, the hug smiley face) can have a great payoff after a fun, flirty, emotionally risky first date. Kerry recounted coming home from a first date and opening a text with a kissy-face emoji, smiling at the vulnerability and warmth.

"It can feel like really putting yourself out there," she said. "It's just saying: I'm excited, and I'm not shy about letting you know."

Kerry also said that when she's helping friends decode texts sent after a first date, she'll point out that a lack of emojis along with overly proper punctuation can feel "like they're playing it too cool."

For sexting, respondents prefer 4 key emojis — and the eggplant isn't one of them

While sending sexy emojis before an in-person meetup is a widely known red flag, once the physical barrier has been broken — say, with a steamy makeout session — the emoji barrier can also be broken, the women said.

Kerry, Julia, Jess, and Lily said that for sexting, they prefer the smirk, tongue, fire, or purple devil emojis.

In this subsection of NYC dating, the eggplant emoji — named one of the least likable emojis in Adobe's "2022 US Emoji Trend Report" — is mostly regarded as an urban legend. While Lily, Kerry, and Julia couldn't remember ever having received one, a quick search of Jess' texts returned a veritable minefield.

The women said the eggplant is always a red flag on a dating app. But Lily said it's fine "if I'm dating them, or while sexting."

Cat emojis are an immediate turn-off, but ':)' may be making a comeback

While the eggplant emoji may have its moments, there is never a right time to use the array of cat-face emojis. All interviewees agreed: This wholly pointless dialect of emoji is quirky in a bad way.

On the flip side, hand emojis — the handshake, the thumbs-up — are an emoji master key: They fit any situation at any time.

And in some good news for aging millennials, the AIM-era rune of typing out an analog face has ongoing appeal.

For Jess, who despises emojis used to "soften" texts, a ":)" feels informal, mature — desirably self-controlled, even.

Poor emoji use isn't necessarily a dealbreaker

While the interviewees' emoji preferences were fairly consistent, they're not dealbreakers, they said.

Two of the women said their current partners had originally used emojis in a way that was off-putting to them: There were too many, too early. But that puppy-dog-like exuberance was part of the package with the sweet, eager, and enthusiastic men who won them over in person.

So while it's not best practice to drop a laughing emoji with a risky flirty text or a lukewarm take on the new "House of the Dragon" episode, it's not necessarily game over if you do.

"When it's early in the game, I'd rather get to know someone through their spoken or written word," Lily said. "An emoji is an accessory to a text — not the conversation."