Bridesmaid duties can be triggering to women withbody image issues or eating disorders.- Dresses may not fit their body type and posing for photos invites comparisons with other
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Even worse, some engaged couples expect members of their wedding parties to change their appearances to fit a specific vision for the wedding, reinforcing the idea that how their friends and family look isn't good enough.
Jen Glantz, a professional bridesmaid who has been in over 100 weddings, told Insider that, ideally, being a bridesmaid would be acknowledging who you are. But that's not what always happens in real life.
"More realistically, being a bridesmaid is shifting who you are to meet a look and feel of your best friend getting married," she said.
Many bridesmaids struggle with body image issues when they're in weddings
For Julia Hines, 23, who has been a bridesmaid in two weddings, body image issues came up when she shopped for the bridesmaid dresses. For one wedding, the bride chose a specific designer, and bridal party members were to pick a dress from that brand. Hines said that she struggled to find a dress that fit her from the designer.
"I am a plus size woman and on the larger end of that," she said. "The boutique did not have any dresses in my size to try on."
Bridal sizing is also notably different from off-the-rack sizing. Most women opt for bridal attire in two sizes larger than their standard. The size discrepancy made shopping even more upsetting for Hines, she said, particularly when the boutique's consultant called out her sizes in the middle of the store.
"It wasn't exactly thoughtful" she added.
Kaitlyn Midgett, 27, had a similar exprience when she received a bridesmaid dress at her home to try on for an upcoming wedding.
"I was a way bigger size than I thought I was," she said, noting she was not familiar with intricacies of bridal sizing. She ultimately ordered multiple dresses, which was both expensive and emotionally taxing.
"That was triggering for me," Midgett said.
Wedding party photos bring up insecurities for some bridesmaids
Being in a wedding party is also a situation rife with comparison: members often wear identical outfits, no matter what their body type, and stand next to one another for countless photos. This, especially, can be emotionally challenging for those with pre-existing issues around their appearances.
Jackie, 26, who requested only her middle name be used for privacy reasons, felt worried about how she would look in her bridesmaid dress before she even tried it on.
"The rest of the bridal party is a little bit more petite than I am," she said. "When I first saw the pictures of what the dress would look like, I was so stressed. The models themselves were very, very thin. It was hard to picture me looking good in the dress."
For a previous wedding, Jackie said the triggering moment came after the celebration — when she looked at the photos. Jackie admits she felt confident on the wedding day, but upon seeing photos of herself with the other wedding party members, she felt self-conscious.
"You really take pictures from all angles when you're in a wedding," she said, adding that it doesn't feel appropriate to try to pose for your "good side" in a large group.
"It was a retroactive struggle beccause that influenced my fear for the upcoming weddings," she said.
Jackie said some of the brides in her life have worked to make her feel more comfortable at weddings, but her body image triggers feel inevitable anyway.
"People don't intend to be malicious, but weddings bring you right back to high school prom," she said. "We're all standing there. We're all looking exactly the same. It's natural that there's a comparison. It's just a really hard head space to be in."
Some couples expect their wedding party members to change how they look for the wedding day
While most brides only want the best for their friends and family serving as bridesmaids, there is the occasional couple that's more demanding, noted Glantz. Glantz explained that she has seen couples ask their wedding party members to change hair color, cover tattoos and piercings, and generally "do things that make them not who they are."
She added that some couples have even gone so far as to ask their friends to lose weight or hold off on getting pregnant so they have a certain look in the wedding day outfit — and photos.
Sarah Herstich, a psychotherapist and eating disorder therapist, told Insider she has worked with many clients who have found being in a wedding to be triggering because they had to change how they look to meet an engaged couple's expectations.
"I've seen it over and over again with clients wearing dresses or colors they are self-conscious in," she said.
Those triggers become stronger when engaged couples expect their wedding party members to literally alter their appearances. Herstich explained that these situations lead friends and relatives to resent the couple. Some, she added, may end up declining to participate in the wedding because of the pressure.
The experts remind engaged couples to celebrate their wedding party members rather than view them as aesthetic accessories to their event
Both Herstich and Glantz told Insider that emphasizing the people, not the decor and look of the day, will make wedding party members feel more confident and comfortable.
Glantz suggests that letting go of the Instagram vision for the day will put wedding party members at ease.
"If you want your wedding to look like it's straight out of Pinterest and a bunch of models are your best friends, that's probably not realistic," she said. "Asking your friends to contort and change for that is simply unfair."
Herstich recommends that wedding party members advocate for themselves to get ahead of uncomfortable situations, be it a dress or hairstyle.
"It helps set expectations and bring softness to a situation that can escalate quickly," Herstich said.
Glantz also encourages people to set boundaries. You don't have to participate in a wedding if you feel like a friend is asking too much of you, she said.
"You do not have to say 'yes' to everything," Glantz said. "That might be controversial, but if there's ever a point when you feel like who you are and what you look like is not being acknowledged, then you have to say 'no.'"