- I recall my childhood obsession with perfection that I carried into adulthood.
- I unconsciously set the exact expectations for my children until I homeschooled them.
Somewhere in the madness of a competitive spirit and the illusion of perfection, I missed out on the joys of childhood. I immigrated to the US with my family three decades ago. The pressures of settling into a new country, making new friends, and assimilating into a new lifestyle while hanging onto the threads of an unpopular identity — American Muslims at the prime of the Gulf War — being perfect became my refuge.
I always loved competition, especially in an academic setting. I was the student that always over-performed — a 100 on an assignment was child's play for me — I sought more than a 100, I sought praise for turning in the perfect project. My obsession with perfection would ultimately strip me of the joys of learning.
As a PhD student in a research lab, failures in experimental work were detrimental to my mental health. The field of experimental biology had no regard for an ambitious scientist trying to achieve perfect results — I once spent four months in anguish optimizing a single experiment, averaging 80 hours a week in the lab. Being focused on failures, I wasn't even thrilled to earn a degree that only 1% of Americans hold. I skipped the prestigious hooding ceremony for graduation.
I wanted to be a perfect mother
Years later, when I had kids, I not only strived for perfection in motherhood but unconsciously sought the same flawlessness in them. When the eldest was only 3, I enrolled her in a phonics program. She practiced tracing alphabets and numbers with meticulous dexterity when she should have been finger painting. It took me a couple of years to realize I was opening Pandora's box of a life-long obsession with perfection for my children. My children did not have to chase perfection to be loved. They simply just had to be themselves — carefree souls.
During the pandemic, I homeschooled my girls. The flexibility of learning at their own pace, devoid of a grading system, and the freedom to explore subjects of their interest became crucial to my shift from perfection to satisfaction in their small achievements.
There was contentment in accepting their handwriting is legible at best — not perfect, but good enough to be read. Being able to overlook the spelling mistakes in their silly short stories helped me enjoy their natural skill of story-telling. The missed notes on the piano became acceptable, as long as they were enjoying learning to play the piano. I learned to instill a joy of learning in them without the fear of shortcomings. I was finally coming to terms with my own regrets of a childhood lost to chasing perfection.
I want them to embrace failure
The standards society has set for women are a burden we continue to carry. Women continue to over-achieve to fit a narrative of perfection society does not seek from the other gender. While I want my girls to try their best, I also want them to understand they can embrace their failures and imperfections by forgiving themselves.
They can learn from their mistakes without letting their mistakes cast them as failures.
When we cast aside the illusion of a perfect existence, we fully embrace life and discover contentment as a loyal companion. To all those chasing perfection, now is the time to let go and live.
Faiza Hussain is a freelance science writer and editor based in The Woodlands, TX. Besides running her company, she is a full-time mom of two girls. When she is not immersed in Science writing, she is often reading novels and drinking coffee.