As a mom, these are the 5 skills I wish they taught my child in school, from butt wiping to nose blowing

• As a mom, I realized my 5-year-old is learning a lot of advanced stuff.
• Yet I'm still helping with nose blowing and butt wiping.

The other day, my 5-year-old started describing things as horizontal and vertical. It seemed advanced, given she cannot blow her nose. I began thinking about school curriculums. Yes, math and reading are useful skills, but let's be honest: Alexa and Siri have those things covered.

While school boards and administrators seem to only care about test scores, parents and teachers are more interested in kids who can wipe their own butts. I'm proposing a curriculum that will teach our children helpful life skills,

Nose blowing

There are few sounds more annoying than a sniffle every 30 seconds. And nothing is more visually distressing than the sight of snot trains tracking into your child's mouth, especially when you don't have a nearby Kleenex.

Before motherhood, I didn't realize nose blowing was such a complex skill. But after trying to teach my child how to do it with visual examples (watch how mom can blow out a week's worth of snot in one blow), verbal instructions (blow!), a helping hand ("let me hold the Kleenex while you blow"), and reverse psychology ("whatever you do, don't blow your nose!"), I'm here to report that nothing works.

Butt wiping

While you may potty train your child over the weekend, there is no way they will be able to wipe independently. Have you watched that video of the preschool teacher teaching kids how to wipe their butts using two balloons taped to the back of their chairs? Yeah, I've seen it, too.

Everyone praises the geniuses of that video, but I disagree. Your butt is connected to your body. In the video, all of the preschoolers have to turn their bodies so they can reach their balloon butts.

Like nose blowing, butt wiping is a complex skill that requires dexterity and an ability to assess whether all poop has been cleared. Maybe the T. rex arms of young children are an impediment. I guess this might be above her abilities.

Holding their own things

Kids today need to learn how to hold their own crap.

Each day my child brings an armful of stuff into the car with her. But whenever we get back home, she is physically incapable of carrying it all back in. Or she will ask if we can bring her toy along, but whenever we get where we're going, she asks me to hold her toy.

Using the refrigerator water dispenser without flooding the house

Does anyone else's home have ice-cube puddles where the ice machine spit out errant cubes?

I propose a curriculum that includes skills such as watching how much water is in the cup rather than using the "wait until the water starts overflowing" technique, making sure a cup is underneath the dispenser before pushing the button, picking up escapee ice cubes rather than letting them melt in little puddles around the kitchen floor, and how to stop pushing the water button when a cup overfloweth.

Using a non-whiny voice

I advise schools to employ a full-time voice coach to address the latest national health crisis: whinyvoiceitis. Children will learn how to speak in a pleasant tone that doesn't irritate adult eardrums.

I believe my child's voice is permanently stuck in the whiny setting, particularly when saying my name. "Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmm?"

"Mommmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?"

"Mamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?"

Speaking in a normal tone is a skill that will benefit our children all their lives and protect the sanity of adults.

I'd encourage you to attend your school's next PTA meeting to share these ideas. Maybe one day we'll be able to stop wiping snot onto our jeans or chasing a half-dressed child around the house for one last butt wipe.