Thelife- This is an excerpt from Michelle Kenney's book, "Unpunished: How to Let Go of Punishments and Find Your Parenting Peace."
- Kenney is a parenting coach and founder of Peace and Parenting
When my first-born daughter, Esme was in kindergarten, I had an elaborate system set up for my girls that penalized them for unapproved behavior. This included "time-outs", taking away TV or playtime, and withholding my love when they misbehaved. I also combined their punishments with a "goodie" box to get what I wanted.
I used to say that I wanted to run my home like a classroom with rewards and punishments because, in my mind that's what worked. It did all work, at first, because the threats made the girls comply out of fear while the reward system triggered their need to please me.
In the short term, it impressed my circle of friends who thought I was such a wonderful mom, but in the long term, what kind of damage did I inflict?
By the end of the year, they wouldn't do anything without a prize or praise. They weren't intrinsically motivated to do the right thing. They relied on my control to tell them how to behave. What was I teaching them? Even when I got what I wanted, there was this underlying feeling that something just wasn't right.
There was no breathing room to make mistakes
Incentives and punishments made my family crazy. No one had breathing room to make mistakes, even though messing up and learning from the experience is how we grow. Soon my system backfired as their aggression toward me — that they couldn't express for fear of being punished — turned into sibling rivalry.
As they took things out on each other, I learned the hard way that caging a child's emotions and feelings is a temporary fix that only gets bottled up to be released somewhere else. When I'd finally had enough and acknowledged fully that what I was doing wasn't working, I opened up to changing myself to see positive results. This is why finding connective parenting was such a game-changer for our family.
What is connecting parenting?
Connective parenting is often considered a passive approach to child-rearing. The opposing opinion is that raising children with love and connection only is not enough and that punishments are necessary to keep morality in check. This could not be further from the truth. Connective parenting uses empathy to set boundaries. This allows kids to be upset when things don't go their way but also gives parents the space to set limits with kindness and understanding.
Don't want your child to have a cookie? The connective way says, "I can't let you have another cookie, but I understand you are upset about it, and I will stay here with you while you lament."
The difference with conventional parenting is that the limits are usually enforced with punishment and then followed up with more punishments when a child is upset about the limit. This leaves the child feeling like they aren't allowed to be angry when things don't go their way and that somehow their upset is not valid or important. In fact, some parents tell me that their child gets upset every time they don't get their way. Well, sure they do, and so do I!
Not getting what you want is disappointing. It isn't that you get what you get and you don't get upset. It's you get what you get, and you get very upset. Then, your mom or dad empathizes with you, and this tells you your feelings are valid, but you still can't have the cookie. It's quite simple, yet we've continued to murky the waters with punishments, yelling, threats, and more.
The limit still stands in connective parenting; however, a child who feels good, is doing well, and uses their brain more because of connection also has an easier time adhering to boundaries and limits. Kids from connected homes, for the most part, want to follow our lead because they trust us to be on their side.
Does this mean there won't be pushback? Absolutely not, but there certainly will be less. I remember seeing huge gains in cooperation even the first week I parented using connection and getting rid of punishments. It was so noticeable, and it felt so good, that it became part of the reason I fell in love with parenting this way. It was such an incredible feeling to have kids who wanted to cooperate on their own without me manipulating them.