An Australian's review of Trader Joe's imitation Tim Tams: Mediocre chocolate and not enough girth

• Tim Tams are a beloved and popular Australian chocolate biscuit.
• Trader Joe's recently released a cheeky imitation: "Aussie-style Chocolate Crème Sandwich Cookies."
• Unfortunately, according to this Australian reviewer, they're mediocre at best.

There is a defiant message in the upper left-hand corner of a standard package of Tim Tams. "There is no substitute," it reads in small gold lettering.

Ask any Australian about Tim Tams and their face will probably light up. The Arnott's chocolate biscuit was a beloved childhood treat I left behind when I moved to New York 22 years ago. Until some American grocery stores began selling them in 2017, I was forced to sit idly by and remember the better times (eating Tim Tams until my stomach hurt).

Imagine my surprise, then, when Trader Joe's - purveyor of affordable grocery items and the creator of what I like to refer to as my favorite chicken bag - recently announced it would start selling "Aussie-style Chocolate Crème Sandwich Cookies." A cheeky nod, perhaps, but I knew the truth: the chain was trying to muscle in on Tim Tam territory.

But Trader Joe's should have heeded the package's warning. There is no substitute, and these poor imitations are nothing like the original.

The imitators fall short in two key categories: thickness and chocolate quality

A regular Tim Tam generally has three components: thickness, richness of chocolaty flavor, and variety in texture. A standard Tim Tam is about 1.5 centimeters thick. It contains a smooth chocolate coating on the outside, while the inside features a bed of soft, pillowy chocolate sandwiched between two layers of crisp chocolate cookie.

The result is a beautiful infusion of crunch and creaminess.

The Trader Joe's imitation has the requisite variety of texture. It's got a nice snap, and the chocolate is creamy. The outside coating is even dappled in the same way. But it's just over a centimeter thick.

Come on, you might be thinking. Half a centimeter doesn't matter.

Wrong! It's noticeable off the bat, and when you have less than two centimeters to work with, half a centimeter makes a big difference.

The bigger problem is the subpar chocolate quality.

There is a distinct smell that wafts up when you first open a package of Tim Tams. (Despite getting paid to put words on a page, I can't come up with a better descriptor than, "it just smells like Tim Tams.") That smell translates to a unique Tim Tam taste. It's better than any other chocolate biscuit I've tried.

The imitation just tastes like mediocre chocolate. Sure, it's not bad. If someone gave me one and I'd never eaten a Tim Tam before, I'd be like, "Yeah, sure, this is fine." But the whole thing with Tim Tams is the quality of the chocolate. If you're going up against it, it should be tastier than "slightly better Hershey's." It should make me want six more.

This cookie? I was one and done. My sister and fellow Australian agreed.

On the other hand, when I gave one to my 6-year-old nephew - who has tried Tim Tams before but, according to my sister, likely does not remember them - he paused before asking if he could have 15 more.

Price points, quantity, and packaging

There are 11 Tim Tams in an original pack, and nine in the special packs. The Trader Joe's version also comes with 11 cookies, so at least it has that going for it.

Both come in with around the same calorie count: 180 for two Trader Joe's cookies, and 190 for Tim Tams.

A regular pack of Tim Tams will set you back about $12 on Amazon Prime, and around $4 at my local Wegmans in Brooklyn. The Trader Joe's version, which I purchased in Massachusetts, came in at about the same price.

Initially, I was going to award the Trader Joe's version a gold medal for packaging because the white, mint, and brown color scheme is nice. But then I noticed a dig at Vegemite on one side, so forget that. The kangaroo is cute, though.

But can I do a Tim Tam Slam with it?

I'm going to be honest: I had never heard of a Tim Tam Slam before I lived in the US.

It's possible I'm just a bad Australian, but most Australians I know don't sit around biting two opposing corners of a Tim Tam, sucking a hot beverage through it like a straw, and promptly shoving the whole melted biscuit in their mouths.

But every American I know who has heard of a Tim Tam loves the idea of a Tim Tam Slam, so in order to make this review as comprehensive as possible, I tried it out.

The verdict: Yes, you can. In fact, the Trader Joe's version beat out my expectations. A Tim Tam Slam improved the cookie from its original, non-melty form.

Overall, the imitation Tim Tam certainly wasn't the worst thing I've ever eaten. Would I scarf down a pack of these after a night of drinking? Probably.

But they're not nearly as good as the original, and they never will be. That's the problem with going after something as beloved and nostalgia-provoking as Tim Tams: You will never win.

In conclusion: Trader Joe's, that's not a Tim Tam. That's a Tim Tam.