After 3 years, coparenting still isn't easy. Here's what I learned about creating healthy boundaries after my divorce.

• I've been divorced for three years and coparent my two children with my ex-husband.
• The pandemic divorce was traumatic for me, and we don't tend to see eye to eye.

A year after my divorce, I decided to wear huge, round sunglasses to create some boundaries with my ex. We don't see eye to eye, and the divorce was painful and traumatic for me. The sunglasses give me the confidence I need when facing him

When I was handed divorce papers to file, I realized every road we had been down was downward. I wasn't prepared for being ditched.

"I should have known better," I kept thinking. But also I knew that since we had two kids together, the interactions would be constant, even after it ended harshly.

Sharing time with the kiddos week to week was a huge adjustment for both me and the kids after I had been a stay-at-home mom who was with them every single day since they were born. Resentment is not easy to put aside. Of course, I know I do everything for the kids, but I've learned over the past few years to create some space and boundaries for my well-being.

Summer means less interaction with their dad, so back-to-school time can be stressful

The back-to-school season, for me, means back to boundaries, as the summer months mean less interaction with their dad.

At first, I went to my ex's door at drop-off time. I'd stay until my daughter's grip on my hand loosened, and I would kiss her hand one more time, leaving a lipstick mark like she wanted. I'd hug my son and daughter once more, a little tighter. But standing in front of the home where we all once lived together as a family was crushing my confidence. So to protect my mental health, I started hugging my children earlier in my living room before we left.

During my first year of being divorced, I tried to act normal in public at my kids' activities, cheering them on and acting as though my ex and I were coparenting as a team while on the sidelines of the soccer field and basketball court. Only I couldn't escape the memories of the worst days and months of our marriage while standing next to him. I knew it would be better for my mental health to stand on the other side of the soccer field the following fall. I could fake it for only so long.

I've found three things that have helped me maintain some boundaries to protect my mental health.

Set boundaries for text messages

I was getting text messages from my ex at all hours of the day, which was stressing me out. Now I request text messages stop by 9 p.m. unless it's an emergency. If my phone is dinging nonstop, I let it sound off. I'll check it when I'm in the mood, but I focus on the point, and I prioritize my time much more lately to shield myself from unproductive messages and negativity.

Text messaging can be overwhelming and disorganized. So I ask for important details about things involving the kids or longer tangents to be emailed. At the same time, text and email communication can be a way to limit arguments in public. I can say, "Text me or email me about this," if I'm not ready to respond in person about a topic that involves the kids.

I've realized in an email or text message, I'm stronger and more confident.

Communicate with the kids directly

I gave my kids phones when they were in the first and fourth grades so I could communicate with them and say goodnight when it wasn't my week with them at home and to keep track of their busy lives and mesh multiple schedules.

For example, on Sundays, I text a funny emoji or a photo from the previous week with a quick text, "I love you, and I'm thinking of you." "I'm on the bus," my daughter might text me Monday morning before school. I'd send her back a flower emoji and "xoxo"

Texting my kids means I can skip the intermediary. I can share quick reminders about sunscreen and homework, as well as encourage them to be more independent and get proper sleep. Communicating directly with my kids creates a connection so everyone is on the same page without extra drama.

Create some space

My kids are very active, which means I see my ex about four to six times a week for hours at a time — for example, at a soccer tournament. Typically, I bring my chair and casually scoot it over a few feet to define "my own zone" and create literal space to avoid conflict, all with a friendly smile but knowing deep down that it lowers any anxiety.

Boundaries mean softening divorce grief, and this isn't how I wish it were. Sometimes, I still have to fake it, like at school events or when walking the halls during family night or an open house. When I start to feel the energy that makes me feel stressed or depressed, I put on my dark sunglasses to hide behind, take a breath, and focus on maintaining my happiness while facing the challenges of divorced parenting.