7 etiquette tips and mistakes to keep in mind at a formal dinner

• Dr. Clinton Lee is an international wine and etiquette expert.
• During the appetizer, Dr. Lee says you should speak to the person on your right.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Dr. Clinton Lee, executive director of the Asia Pacific Wine and Spirit Institute in Vancouver. It has been edited for length and clarity.

In a world of 8 billion people, what one sees as manners could be very different for someone else. In the US alone, you're going to have different cultures, and whether you agree with those differences — or not — it's important to be respectful, open minded, and flexible. It's also important to consider the situation and environment you're in and to prepare accordingly.

Before arriving at an event, you might want to prepare by asking the host, "is there anything you'd like me to bring to dinner?" or "is there a particular dress code?" You don't want to come overly dressed when everyone else is in torn jeans and a t-shirt. It's good to know what to expect, and if you aren't sure, you should ask the host.

With that in mind, after arriving at a formal event, there are seven other essential etiquette tips to keep in mind.

1. Don't have everyone pour their own wine

In a formal situation, for example Thanksgiving dinner, which is normally a big gathering of family and friends, it would be best to have one person pouring the wine. If it's a more Western-style event, it's more acceptable to pour for the ladies first and then the males.

You'd pour to the male guests who aren't family, after the ladies, as they are guests you'd want to grace them with that courtesy. Now, if it was in an Asian setting, you'd actually pour based on age instead. For example, you'd pour wine to the older people first then the younger ones based on their age.

2. Don't hold the top of your wine glass

If you're holding a wine glass there's the stem and there's the ball, how you hold onto the wine glass is important. It's more appropriate to hold it by the stem than it is to hold it by the top of the glass. Preferably, you'd then pick it up with your pinky out.

3. Don't place your elbows on the table

People tend to not know what to do with their elbows. In a formal setting, you don't want to sit with your elbows on the table. Instead you'll want to sit with your wrists on the edge of the table or with your hands under the table. But putting your elbows on the table is a big no, no. If you're out with friends at a cafe that may be seen as ok – but that's not a formal setting.

4. Don't ask someone a question while they're chewing food

If you have food in your mouth, and someone tries speaking to you, you should indicate that you're chewing. But, if you're the one asking the question, you should observe if they have food in their mouth before asking your question. Of course, you might get caught up in a captivating conversation, but even then you should take a moment to observe.

5. Don't speak across the table during the main meal

When you're at Thanksgiving, you might be sitting at a long table, which might make you wonder who you should speak with. In a more formal setting, during the appetizer, or your soup dish, you'll want to speak to the person on your right as generally the whole table will do that. Then when it comes time for your main meal, you'll speak to the person on your left.

Finally, during dessert it's more open, but still you don't want to speak to someone five seats from you. It's luck of the draw. Hopefully, you aren't seated next to anyone who's too boring. Now, as a host you should try to place your guests next to someone of interest and similar thoughts.

6. Don't force guests to join you in prayer

At Thanksgiving someone might stand up and say: can we all hold our hands together and give a prayer of thanks? But, it's good to be a little cautious because not everyone will have the same belief as you. Instead, you could say, "for those who would like to partake, will you join us in prayer?"

7. Don't bring up controversial topics

Another thing to consider is the topics you bring up. In a formal setting, try to avoid speaking on religion, sex, and politics as that can allow tension to arise.

We live in a world where everyone has a viewpoint, and not everyone will agree with you, so you don't want to bring that to a dinner table where various generations are sitting simultaneously.

If you are an etiquette coach with counterintuitive or surprising tips to share, email Alyshia Hull at ahull@insider.com.