5 tips for tackling the college search with your high school student

• When my son started the college application process, the resources and tips made it overwhelming.
• Letting your kid take the lead, being honest about finances, and making it fun can ease the stress.
• I've learned that while there are dream schools, anywhere your student lands can be a dream school.

Earlier this summer, I dipped my toes into the college search pool. My nieces were visiting from the West Coast, and one of the main goals for their time with us was a mini New England college tour for my eldest niece, a rising high-school senior.

I thought this would also be a good opportunity for my son, who will be a junior, to get a feel for what's in his near future. We spent a whirlwind few days looking at 10 schools, and in the end, it was my head that was left spinning — wondering whether I was ready for the higher-ed hunt.

When I applied to college in 1997, it was a fairly straightforward process. High-school guidance counselors had piles of colorful brochures strewn across their desks, and we were able to sign up to receive more information (via snail mail) if we were interested in a university.

Most colleges didn't have websites, and Google wasn't available to the public yet. You learned about schools the old-fashioned way: word of mouth. Friends, neighbors, or extended family members would share exciting stories or cautionary tales of their alma maters. After whittling down the list of choices, I remember sending out my applications, and then months later, the wait around the mailbox began as school acceptance or rejection letters slowly made their way to me.

Now it's a whole different ball game. Each college and university has its own website and social media presence, and you can take virtual college visits at almost any school. Applications, acceptances and rejections, and college announcements are done online for the most part. There are hundreds of books, apps, websites, coaches, tutors, and more promising to make this milestone easier.

It can become overwhelming, especially if you're the sort of person — like me — who relishes researching all you can before making major decisions. In fact, as soon as we came back, I immediately looked at all the books available on this topic before quickly limiting myself to purchasing only three because I could see how easily I could fall down the rabbit hole of resources.

Communication and an open mind are key

As someone just on the cusp of cannonballing right into the deep end of the college search, I'm here to share what I've learned. The biggest lesson? You're already doing great. At least, that's what Jill Margaret Shulman, the author of "College Admissions Cracked: Saving Your Kid (and Yourself) from the Madness," told me. "Everybody thinks they're behind. Everybody thinks they're not doing it right," Shulman said, adding that it's "not a thing."

In fact, pretty much one of the only things that could go wrong is talking too much about the college search with your kid.

"Your kid is not just one thing," Shulman said. "They're not just a college applicant. And they're not just the culmination of all of their numbers and letters and accolades."

The last couple of years of high school can be packed with classes, activities, work, and friends. There needs to be some sort of balance, or everyone is going to be burned out before college applications are even due.

It can be easy for parents to hyperfocus on the college search and application process, but it's in everyone's best interests to take a breath, even take a step back, let go of all preconceived notions, and dial back the stress. Shulman said she understood the concept of a "dream school" but that any place your student ended up could become a dream school. She added that a school that once was thought of as the perfect place might turn out to be anything but.

Shulman's book, which is organized on a timeline, starts in the fall of a student's junior year of high school and takes you all the way through dropping your kid off at college. It's a solid companion for parents undertaking this process alongside their kids. I've also found Ron Lieber's book, "The Price You Pay for College: An Entirely New Road Map for the Biggest Financial Decision Your Family Will Ever Make," to be helpful in understanding the finances surrounding college, and Anna Costaras and Gail Liss' "The College Bound Organizer" has been a useful tool for my son.

Find resources that can make it fun and easy

Shulman, who just launched the college essay resource Intrepid Applicant, said she's particularly invested in the influence the whole college search and application process had on teens today. Shulman said she created the resource because she wanted to do something to help students with the fear, anxiety, and depression so pervasive in high schools and college-bound students right now.

"What if I could create a world online where it's fun and efficient because these kids don't have much time," Shulman said. "They could knock out a really outstanding college essay and learn how to write in a short period of time so that it won't take up their whole lives. It's only one piece of the application. And I wanted to make at least that one piece stress-free for them."

Shulman took the time to share with me some of her top tips for parents about to embark on the college search and application process.

1. Let your child take the lead as much as you can. Your child will be the one attending college, so they need to be the one to find what works for them. Teens are in the middle of discovering themselves and what they value, need, and want to do in the world. Be available as a guide, but allow them to be empowered with the independence of discovering which schools they connect with.
2. Be frank about finances. One topic that parents should bring up really early on is which kind of schools the family can afford. This means having hard discussions about the reality of taking out loans and what that could mean for their future, with the responsibility of paying them back. If there are financial parameters in place, that can also help focus the search a bit more.
3. Have a weekly virtual college tour night. Make some popcorn, grab some candy, and the whole family can sit down and watch one college tour every week. Doing this virtually is free and a way to learn about more schools with much less time commitment than an in-person visit. Once you've digitally toured a bunch of schools, you can narrow down the list of which to check out in person. Also, limiting it to once a week helps keep college talk to a minimum the rest of the time, hopefully preventing your child — and you — from being overwhelmed.
4. Remember that you and your kid are the consumers. "You're the customer," Shulman said. "You're looking for a product, a business that fits your needs. This is not about who will accept me. This is about what college will feed me, what I want to be, and who I want to become. Which colleges both feel good but also offer the things that I need to make myself a better person?" Again, it's not about going for name recognition or what may seem like the sparkliest option. You will be spending a lot of money, and your child will be spending many years at this place — ensure that it's a good fit for your individual student and their needs and wants.
5. Don't be shy about negotiating costs. If your child is set on a school that has accepted them, but finances are tight, feel free to try for a better financial aid package. Shulman said to reach out to the admissions office and be honest. Let them know that their college is your student's first choice, or to let them know that another school gave a certain amount and ask whether they could meet that offer.

What I've learned about this process is that there's always more to learn. But what I know is that despite the daunting journey ahead of us, I have faith: Faith in my son who I know will be able to find a school that suits him and one where he will feel at home, faith in myself to hold it all (mostly) together throughout this stage and the empty nest that is to come, and faith in the books I've got to help my family along the way.