I tasted all 15 flavors of Spam, and there's only one that beats the original

Review: This is, without a doubt, the best Spam I tried. It had an almost caramelized flavor that enhanced the Spam instead of dominating it.

The only thing I can compare this flavor to is a delicious glazed ham. This is the only Spam I had a second slice of and I could see myself enjoying this with some eggs in the morning or even just eating it plain.

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First impression: I learned "tocino" translates to "bacon" in Spanish and that tocino is a sweet, quintessential Filipino breakfast meat.

I'm curious to see if this tastes sweeter than the Spam with real Hormel bacon.

Other than that, my first impression is the same as it was for the bacon flavor: I'm pretty excited about this one, but I think it has the potential to be too much of a good thing.

Review: I love everything about Spam, from the slightly unsettling aroma that it has uncooked, to the unique (take that however you will) flavor.

It tastes like the crispiest part of bacon when cooked right, but with more salt somehow.

First impression: There is none. I already know I love this.

Review: This had a nice amount of spice, and gave me the urge to eat it with pineapple to create a nice sweet and spicy balance.

I also learned that Portuguese sausage is traditionally seasoned with garlic and paprika. so I looked for those flavors in this Spam. I didn't taste the garlic, but I did feel the paprika.

This was better than the chorizo flavor (the closest comparison I could think of) because the flavor was more robust. It tasted like a real sausage.

First impression: I'm not sure what this should taste like, but it smells like Italian wedding soup, which is lovely.

It's kind of concerning how this will be my first experience with Portuguese sausage. It makes me wonder — Do the Portuguese feel about this flavored Spam the way true Italians feel about Olive Garden?

Review: This was the biggest surprise in the collection. Dare I call it one of my favorite flavors? The garlic in the Spam tasted perfectly sautéed and vaguely reminded me of a tasty Italian pasta dish.

I would totally eat it again, but only if I don't have to smell it right out of the can and somebody else cooks it for me.

First impression: I honestly don't want to try this after smelling it. There's no good description I can give without grossing people out to the point of not wanting to read.

Instead, I'll just say it smells like if my dad's garlic shrimp and pasta had gotten left in the back of the refrigerator for a few weeks (there, I did it).

Before opening this, I had high hopes as a proud, Italian garlic lover. Now, after smelling it, I am afraid to try this one.

Review: The flavor of this lower-sodium Spam was slightly milder than the original but still delicious.

For me, this feels slightly more forgivable than the lite Spam because having less sodium really makes me feel like I could consume more of the meat in one sitting without being concerned about my health.

Still, there's something that doesn't feel right about this Spam. Eating this for the reduced sodium feels like watching an anger-management coach tell their clients to shout instead of yell.

First impression: I don't know how Hormel can make a processed, canned meat with less sodium still resemble and smell like the original. I'm sure that this will taste exactly the same as the original, and I'll be left wondering what exactly I put in my body.

Review: I'm a little disappointed that the flavors didn't blend together that well, but I still enjoyed this variety. Maybe I hyped it up too much?

Sweet and salty is a great combination, but this tasted more like Spam in teriyaki sauce rather than a teriyaki-flavored Spam.

First impression: I'm really excited about this one. Teriyaki sauce makes everything better and I think the sweetness is going to compliment the salty Spam nicely.

Review: This was tasty, but not exactly what I had hoped for. I never thought I'd describe chorizo seasoning as "vanilla."

It was like somebody accidentally knocked a dash of chili powder into a vat of Spam and called it chorizo. I also didn't get that truly salty taste of the original Spam that some people love, and others can't tolerate.

However, it was good overall. It paired well with the rice and added a little kick that left my tongue (slightly) tingly.

First impression: When I surveyed the cans as a group, I had the highest hopes for this one. Chorizo seasoning can't be that hard to replicate and it should, ideally, make anything taste better.

These high hopes diminished slightly after actually looking at the Spam out of its can. Still, I expect it to be a more flavorful version of the original, and it smells that way.

Review: It really tasted like Hormel added jalapeno to Spam, which is exactly what was promised on the label.

If you like the sound of that, you'll probably like this. If not, then get something else. I'm sorry there's no better description.

Some of the other spice combinations had better flavor, but this was solid. The thing that really pulls this one down in my rankings is I'd rather add my own jalapenos to a dish.

Condiments are personal, and I don't think Hormel has my best interests at heart in that department.

First impression: This should be pretty good, but something is giving me pause. After a moment, I realized that jalapeno is the only type of produce in this whole Spam collection.

Seeing something green among all the pink put me a little on edge. Reservations aside, it smells OK, and I think the two flavors will go well together.

Review: It was not my favorite, but was not terrible either. This flavor felt like it was missing a pinch of salt, which is surprising considering Spam is known to be quite salty.

The turkey flavor, which Hormel nailed, was just a little bland and uninteresting. Used correctly in a sandwich, or even just paired with mustard, this could be really good.

First impression: I don't like turkey as much as ham — you really gotta dress it up to make it taste nice — but it's pretty good, so I'm willing to believe in this flavor.

It smelled about the same as original Spam but has more juices, which I don't love.

Review: As expected, this flavor tasted like bacon. It was kind of hard to rank this one because I could see it moving up in the polls if served with eggs and a little cheese.

Overall, if I wanted bacon and got Spam I'd be disappointed and if I wanted Spam and got bacon I'd also be kind of bummed. This doesn't seem like a great compromise.

I just don't know how often I'd be in the mood for this specific flavor.

First impression: I'm pretty excited about this one, but I think it has the potential to be too much of a good thing. It's essentially pork with more pork, and I could see that getting old.

Overall, I don't think bacon will elevate the flavor of the Spam all that much. I'm predicting this is going to be middle-of-the-road.

Review: This was far and above the hottest flavor. Frankly, it tasted like the entire chunk of Spam was soaked in hot sauce.

This flavor may not have a place in a "Hot Ones" compilation video, but it's closer than you'd think. I genuinely didn't expect to need a drink of water after just a few bites.

I really couldn't see myself sitting down for a meal of only hot and spicy Spam because it's a little one-note. Still, you may consider using it as an ingredient in a larger dish — perchance some sort of Midwestern casserole.

First impression: If somebody wants to explain the difference between "hot" and "spicy" to me, I'd really appreciate it. I think "spicy" translates to seasoning, and "hot" translates to "please extinguish my mouth."

This had a slightly more plastic smell than the other flavors, and I'd perhaps be more trusting if it was a collaboration with Tabasco or a different, recognizable brand of hot sauce.

Review: If I could cut the amount of pepper in half, this flavor would have been awesome. In reality, pepper totally overpowered my taste buds the way being on the phone, typing on the computer, and watching TV all while listening to music overwhelms the senses.

First impression: I feel like this flavor is going to be overwhelming, which makes me sad because I love pepper.

With that said, salt and pepper is a classic, perfect combination, and there's a lot of salt in Spam. Maybe the two will equal out and achieve perfect balance together.

Review: The difference in taste was negligible. I don't know how they made this taste like the original, and I don't particularly like that they did.

Here's the thing, though, if you're going to eat Spam, go all in and eat Spam. If you want to be healthier, try eating something that's not processed, canned meat. As a Spam lover, I cannot, in good conscience, rank this one highly.

First impression: Can Spam really be lite? It's not exactly designed to be a low-fat, low-calorie, low-sodium dish. I feel like this version is risking losing all of the things that makes Spam flavorful in the first place.

Regardless of the taste, I fundamentally hate this concept.

Review: This tasted like whatever the Spam factory version of liquid smoke is, and it was overpowering. The smoky taste didn't enhance anything and it made me want to drink some water.

With that said, I've spent my whole life watching professional grillers on the Food Network try and tell me how to "seal in the smoky flavor," and this can of Spam delivered in that respect.

First impression: Hickory smoke doesn't really interest me as a flavor — but there's no reason why this shouldn't taste decent.

Review: This had an aftertaste that I can only describe as processed. Still, it wasn't as terrible as I expected it to be based on how it looked.

The saving grace was that I didn't get very much of the plastic-tasting cheese in my slice, so I was able to mask the flavor with rice. I think it's fine to eat a little bit of this at a time, but I wouldn't recommend it as a key component of a meal.

First impression: I am actually afraid of this one. I guess this is kind of like the inside of a ham and cheese sandwich, but there's a weird blob on the side of the Spam block — it's either fat or cheese — that I just don't want to interact with.

It feels like I'm opening Pandora's box, knowing full well that something terrible is going to come out of it. With that being said, I'm sure it's going to be my favorite somehow. After all, you can't go wrong with ham and cheese ... right?

Spam isn't really meant to be eaten plain, so I followed a recipe for egg fried rice (boil the rice, then fry it up with a little garlic while stirring in two eggs) from a buddy and fellow Spam lover. It provided an excellent control side dish for my test.

Each can of Spam costs around $3 on the brand's official website, and I decided to break up my thoughts on each flavor into two parts: first impressions and overall review.

Spam is often maligned because of the way it looks, and I wanted to see if the visuals had any impact on my taste-based review.

Here is my ranking of all of the Spam flavors, from worst to best:

As both a Depression-era meal and a delicacy, Hormel's iconic Spam has a duality that's important to understand.

Spam first gained popularity toward the end of the Great Depression in the 1930s, when it was marketed as a cheap alternative to fresh meat. It was also a smart way for meat-production companies, like Hormel, to use up its less-profitable cuts of pork.

After some marketing, people liked the canned meat well enough — and during World War II, Spam became a filling, sustainable, and cheap army provision that America sent to troops in the Pacific.

Luckily for all of us, Spam later became a respected, beloved staple in Hawaii. Two of the main reasons it became so popular is that transporting fresh food to an island was tricky back then, and Spam pairs really well with rice — a staple of the Hawaiian diet, which is heavily influenced by Asian cultures.

From there, it has slowly started gaining more popularity throughout the US, too, and it can now be found in grocery stores around the globe.