The science behind why most couples 'fail' on their ‘first night’ of wedding

As excerpted in the soon to be released book, It’s Normal by Dr Mahinder Watsa, published by Penguin Random House India.

The wedding night is often not as sweet as the glass of milk traditionally offered to the bridegroom. Ignorance and fear of the pressure to perform often lead to failure in the male, resulting in a cycle of failures which often culminates in erectile dysfunction. The bridegroom will be happier if he just accepts the excitement and takes in his stride the fatigue of the ceremony, the shaking of hands, combined with friends asking ‘Are you going to be a man and do it tonight or be a mouse and do it tomorrow and postpone lovemaking?’ All he needs to know is there is always another day and even the great sage Vatsayana of Kama Sutra fame advises waiting for five days to know each other better. I doubt couples wait that long. Problems are less likely to arise if both take premarital counselling.

Women also get into a marriage with a number of anxieties, for example, about having small breasts or excessive hair on the body, about her skin colour or being overweight. There is no need to lose one’s self-confidence and worry about self-image. The first night can be traumatic for the bride. She may enter the bridal chamber with many fears and her friends may have heightened her anxiety by telling her, ‘It’s just unbearable.’ Splitting of the hymen, when done by an ignorant husband, can be painful and can result in her pushing him away or the muscles surrounding the vagina contracting (vaginismus) which prevents the entry of the penis. She imagines that splitting will cause a gush of blood—quite untrue as only an amount equivalent to bleeding from a pinprick occurs. The problem is easily overcome. She can apply a local anaesthetic in and around the vaginal opening (it acts after fifteen minutes) and the male, during foreplay, can insert his fingers deep into the vagina. Or, she may have had a previous affair and is in fear that her husband will question her missing hymen. Quite wrongly, it is believed that she must bleed—a sign of the hymen splitting— and if she does not, it will reveal her previous affair. The hymen can split through vigorous exercise like swimming, cycling or even by masturbation.

Man has found his way to Mars, yet many men have difficulty finding the vaginal opening for the penis. Often the problem is ignorance, or mental hang-ups, misconceptions and fear. Ten years through their marriage, Devi* and Arun* (name changed to protect privacy) had not consummated their marriage. ‘Oh yes, we do love each other very much; we kiss, caress and fondle each other’s private parts and reach orgasm, but he has never been able to enter me and discharge inside. Now we want a baby.’ In this case, Arun enjoyed masturbation. He would lie on the hard bathroom floor and rub his penis vigorously to achieve pleasure. ‘I don’t get pleasure any other way and so, even after marriage, I have been doing the same.’ The outcome was a happy one when he accepted that at times, he could indulge in the practice but at other times, he had a duty to his wife. Some men play out their aspirations to a ridiculous level. Meena* complained that she had married two years ago and, except for one single occasion, her husband had not approached her, although they slept next to each other and she had tried her best to arouse him. It was not that he did not experience desire and was not capable because she had seen him masturbate. It turned out that he had always wanted a partner with a very fair complexion and ‘pure skin’.

On the first night of their honeymoon, both had undressed and, while he was fondling her, he had found two black moles on her back. This gave him a great shock and he now found himself unable to get an erection with her. It finally led to a divorce. So many men and women enter marriage with ignorance. Many believe that things will happen naturally. One smart male, after his engagement, decided to feel his fiancée’s parts to verify ‘where he should put it’. Ignorant as he was, he felt her pubic bone above the vagina and immediately told her she had a bone in place of the vagina. Although she was a nurse, she started having doubts about herself and came in for an examination. Of course she had a normal vagina and was able to convince her fiancé. Some blissfully think they have entered the vagina until their wife tells them otherwise; actually, they were having intercourse between the thighs. Occasionally, everything is set but luck has it otherwise.

After an impressive wedding ceremony and reception, a couple headed to Singapore for their honeymoon. Comfortable in their hotel room, he told her to change while he went out to take a look at the shops. On returning, he found her looking very desirable in her negligee. He unzipped his trousers in a hurry but unfortunately, the skin of his penis got caught in the zip. After many painful attempts to extricate himself, he called for a doctor who rushed him to hospital. The rest of the honeymoon was spent with a bandage round his penis!

Misconceptions can play havoc. There was a young man who did not consummate his marriage because he firmly believed that vaginal hair would entangle his penis and injure it severely! There was another who believed that because menstruation occurs through the vagina, it is a dirty place and so he dreaded going near it. What he did not understand is that the vagina is lined by cells which maintain the pH balance and keep it clean. In fact, experiments indicate that there are more germs in the mouth (transferred by kissing) than in the vagina. So it can be concluded that oral sex is more hygienic than mouth-to-mouth kissing.

More often than not, it is the shyness and embarrassment of the couple that cause the problem. No lights, please! So the penis has to find its way in the dark. The partner being shy does not help. She could easily hold the penis and direct it into the vagina. But the female has to be very careful to show that she does not have more knowledge than the male. In one case, the partner felt her mate fumbling and getting frustrated. So she told him what to do. Instead of appreciating the help, he turned on her and immediately accused her of having premarital experience. It finally led to divorce. In another case, a well-placed executive became very depressed because his newly married wife had filed for divorce. What did he think was the cause? ‘Well, doctor, my wife told me I was wrong to insist that the right way to have sex was to put my penis in her back passage. I did not agree with her, so she left me!’ It took two years to teach him the correct way to have peno–vaginal sex. He has now remarried and has two children. A common cause for unconsummated marriages is the wrong position during intercourse.