The Difference Between Being A Successful Giver And A Total Doormat

Lisa Padilla, flickr userAfter combing through decades of research on success, Wharton psychologist Adam Grant came to a startling conclusion: The most successful people were givers, but so were the least successful people.

Givers, as he lays out in the bestselling "Give and Take," are people who frequently try to help other people. Other people may be takers, who focus on getting what they can from other people, or matchers, who seek an equal exchange of value.

Givers can be the most successful as they find their work meaningful, earn a good reputation, and build strong relationships, which will pay unforeseen dividends over time. Plus they're constantly learning, since helping people give a new perspective.

But that altruism can be a problem.

"The givers that fail say 'yes' too often," he tells Business Insider," and they burn themselves out or they ran out of time and energy to get their work done."

The successful ones, he continues, are more selective about they ways the help people - looking for those who will pay the good deed back and pay it forward. As well, they're more judicious about taking on projects that fit their expertise and actually energize them, all while protecting the time they need to get things done.

The difference between a giver that rises up and ones that burns out, Grant says, is discernment.

"You could almost say that whether you're a giver or taker is about your motives and values," he says. "Whether you succeed as a giver depends on whether you can develop what psychologists call 'situational judgment effectiveness.'"

Situational judgment effectiveness is a talent at making the right decision based on complex changing variables, which is something that comes up a lot in a career. For instance, you may have to decide whether to take that meeting, how to approach working with a new boss, and whether volunteering on the side is a good call.

Now that Grant is a best-selling author, he having to be more discerning than ever in his giving. Thankfully, he says, he's got his wife's help.

"For years she has been saying, 'Why are you helping that person? You only hear from them when they want something from you,'" he says. "I would just say, 'Oh it's only going to take me five minutes and it will benefit them a lot more than it cost me. I'm sure that I'd be helpful to other people and paying forward somehow.' Now I've got to figure out if this person is asking for something that will also benefit other people - if they're the kind of person who's willing to pay forward. Or if, in some way, they're going to make me regret it."