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The new NBA Live video game is less fun than getting beat up in gym class

The new NBA Live video game is less fun than getting beat up in gym class

I decided the best way to dive in was with the game's "Learn 2 Live" mode, which is not actually a self-help seminar as I first assumed. It's actually distinctly unhelpful, given that I had no idea what a "layup" is. When it offered to help with my "post game," I thought I was going to learn how to nail chugging Gatorade.

The new NBA Live video game is less fun than getting beat up in gym class

One of NBA 2K16's most ballyhooed features is the "Rising Star" mode, which lets you take a player of your own design from being a rookie to, ideally, superstar status. I figured it was a good place to start, since I am, indeed, a rookie.

One of NBA 2K16

With the help of an attendant iPhone and Android app, you can even scan your face and upload it into NBA Live 2k16. The NBA Live version of Matt Weinberger is named "Lion Casablancas," the announcers have nicknamed him "Cannon," and he is a 6'7", 220-pound beast of a...of a...I'm not sure what position I picked for him. Basketball guy.

With the help of an attendant iPhone and Android app, you can even scan your face and upload it into NBA Live 2k16. The NBA Live version of Matt Weinberger is named "Lion Casablancas," the announcers have nicknamed him "Cannon," and he is a 6

After a tryout game, Leon Casablancas/me got drafted by the Boston Celtics in a late third-round draft pick, which I assume is bad. On the other hand, I had a chance to start.

After a tryout game, Leon Casablancas/me got drafted by the Boston Celtics in a late third-round draft pick, which I assume is bad. On the other hand, I had a chance to start.

Look, there I am, shooting hoops! Take that, first period gym coach.

Look, there I am, shooting hoops! Take that, first period gym coach.

I quickly fell out of love with Rising Star mode. It constantly grades you on your performance in the upper-right-hand corner. When you literally have no idea what's considered good or bad, it makes the feedback feel bad and arbitrary. Taking a good shot that misses is worth more than taking a bad shot that connects. But only sometimes.

I quickly fell out of love with Rising Star mode. It constantly grades you on your performance in the upper-right-hand corner. When you literally have no idea what

When an offensive play is called, the game just kind of tells you where to go and where to stand. And if you go off-script, it sometimes just bails on you entirely. So basically, you just run around to where the circle or stop sign on the ground tells you. And if you try to improvise, you're often sunk.

When an offensive play is called, the game just kind of tells you where to go and where to stand. And if you go off-script, it sometimes just bails on you entirely. So basically, you just run around to where the circle or stop sign on the ground tells you. And if you try to improvise, you

The way shooting works is percentage-based. When you line up a shot, you have to release at the right moment. But even a perfectly-timed shot can fail if one of your guy's stats is too low. It's a lot to keep track of while five sweaty guys are getting all up in your business trying to stop you from doing what you're doing. Also like high school.

The way shooting works is percentage-based. When you line up a shot, you have to release at the right moment. But even a perfectly-timed shot can fail if one of your guy

Worse yet, at every half of the game, you get your report card, just accentuating the "getting-yelled-at-in-gym-class" vibe of the whole deal.

Worse yet, at every half of the game, you get your report card, just accentuating the "getting-yelled-at-in-gym-class" vibe of the whole deal.

If you play poorly enough, you get substituted out. Aw, man.

If you play poorly enough, you get substituted out. Aw, man.

At this point, your best option is to sit on the sidelines and try not to think about how much better than you the computer is at basketball. Thrilling. If you squint, you can see me, number 47, waving at the active players while I rest in my spot as a benchwarmer.

At this point, your best option is to sit on the sidelines and try not to think about how much better than you the computer is at basketball. Thrilling. If you squint, you can see me, number 47, waving at the active players while I rest in my spot as a benchwarmer.

You can also fast-forward the simulation to when you get substituted back in, or keep the simulation going without your input, which is like, why bother.

You can also fast-forward the simulation to when you get substituted back in, or keep the simulation going without your input, which is like, why bother.

For comparison, the last basketball game I played at all was 1993's NBA Jam, a two-on-two game where you could dunk the ball from halfcourt, getting three baskets in a row would literally set the ball on fire, and a cheat code let you play as President Clinton.

For comparison, the last basketball game I played at all was 1993

Things get a little better when you're playing in the other, non-Rising Star modes. In most modes, you can switch between players as you go.

Things get a little better when you

And it's genuinely kind of cool to play as stars like Steph Curry, one of the only two current basketball players that I can name. Especially since EA Sports has painstakingly recreated a lot of basketball players in NBA Live 2K16.

And it

But it still feels really weird and arbitrary. Movement is stiff, so while you're covering a guy on defense, he can just kind of slide past you, leaving you standing there wondering what happened while he goes to the hoop.

But it still feels really weird and arbitrary. Movement is stiff, so while you

It's genuinely thrilling when you manage to put a ball in the hoop despite the other team's best efforts.

And there are some genuinely dramatic moments in the game, sometimes undercut by awkward animations. This guy is learning to fly.

And there are some genuinely dramatic moments in the game, sometimes undercut by awkward animations. This guy is learning to fly.

But it's all so weirdly arbitrary that it doesn't really feel like an accomplishment when something goes right. Also, look, it's LeBron James, the other basketball player I can name!

But it

You can alter every aspect of your coaching strategy, in ways that I literally don't understand. If you're already intimately familiar with basketball, I can see how this might have a ton of appeal.

You can alter every aspect of your coaching strategy, in ways that I literally don

And there are modes like Live Ultimate Team, which lets you build dream teams of players past and present. For NBA die-hards, this might be appealing, but it works a little bit like an iPhone game: You get randomized "packs" of players by either earning them in-game or spending real-life money. It's a bitter pill to swallow for a $60 game.

And there are modes like Live Ultimate Team, which lets you build dream teams of players past and present. For NBA die-hards, this might be appealing, but it works a little bit like an iPhone game: You get randomized "packs" of players by either earning them in-game or spending real-life money. It

But for someone coming in blind, it means making mistakes and not even understanding fully why they were mistakes. I don't really know who's good at what.

But for someone coming in blind, it means making mistakes and not even understanding fully why they were mistakes. I don

Compare this with Madden NFL 16, also from EA Sports. By giving me suggestions and backing them up with reasoning, I felt like I was gradually putting a puzzle together as my understanding of football increased.

Compare this with Madden NFL 16, also from EA Sports. By giving me suggestions and backing them up with reasoning, I felt like I was gradually putting a puzzle together as my understanding of football increased.

With NBA Live 2k16, I didn't really feel that at all. I just kept doing things, hoping they were working, and never actually feeling like I was doing better at figuring things out. It became a slog.

With NBA Live 2k16, I didn

I've heard it said that basketball is a game of percentages. I don't know if it's because actual NBA basketball doesn't translate well into a video game, or if this one just isn't really fun at all, but the percentage that I go back to NBA Live 2k16 is pretty low.

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