All my friends are tracking their teenage kids' phones. I decided to let my son have his freedom, but I'm still worried.
- Other parents I know track their kids' phones, but I decided not to track my teen son.
- I hope this leeway will help him build self-reliance and better prepare him for college.
Helping teenagers transform into adults is the most important job we have as parents, and it's fraught with anxiety and concern. We want our kids to be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted as they grow into their own. While they need guardrails and guidance, how much independence should we give them?
It's a tough question, especially when it comes to teen tracking. Whether it's Life360, Find My, or Google Maps, tech gives millions of parents — including some of my good friends — instant access to their kids' locations. Moreover, many Gen Zers say they see the benefit of parental surveillance.But I've decided not to track my high-school senior when he's out and about — even when he's behind the wheel.
Freedom is good for growing up
I believe part of being a teenager is learning how to manage yourself. The fact is that no one masters that skill without some leeway.
I grew up nearly feral in the 1980s. I roamed freely with friends, knew the latchkey routine, risked life and limb almost frequently, and made it through relatively unscathed. Today's teens don't have that sort of latitude. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but I want my kid to have just a bit of that freedom I enjoyed. That means I don't need to be in his business 24/7 via a tracking app.This autonomy is helping my son develop self-reliance. He needs to make his own decisions, and I need to give him the space to make them. My worry about his whereabouts is mine to manage, not his.I'm not naïve: I know my son won't always make the correct decisions. But my refusal to keep constant tabs allows him to make his own mistakes and power through them on his own. He needs distance — literally and figuratively — to do so.I want to be clear: My son's safety is the most important thing, and I'm always here for him in case of an emergency or otherwise. But he can decide if and when that's the case. I'm a safety net, not a SWAT helicopter. He doesn't need his mom micromanaging him as he moves through his day.
This will be great preparation for when he goes off to college
My son heads off to college in the fall. And while new research shows that 36% of college students' parents still track their locations, I won't be adopting a "Big Mother" stance when my nest is empty.
From my perspective, college is when kids can learn, stretch themselves, and have fun independently. My husband and I have done all we can to prepare our child for this next exciting phase of life. He'll enjoy it independently, without me checking to make sure he made it to class or snooping on his weekend whereabouts.
I'm nervous, but it's worth it
It's perfectly natural to worry about our kids. I wonder what my son's up to when he's not around, and I hate the idea of him ever having to struggle. But he will; that's life. It's how you learn.
What my son gains far outweighs what I lose by opting not to use a tracking app. His personal development is much more important than my angst.I need to learn to let that angst go. I don't always need to know where he is, but he'll always know where I am should he need me.It helps that I trust my kid. We're close, have terrific conversations, and he knows he can come to me and his dad if he needs a sounding board or advice. We have faith that he'll make good choices; he's never given us a reason not to trust him.Imposing high-tech scrutiny or supervision could very well damage the mutual confidence we've spent 17 years building together. The fact we've decided not to track him signals to my son that we have confidence in him, setting a strong foundation for our relationship now and moving forward.