How to prevent wedding planning stress from ruining the big day, according to a therapist devoted to anxious brides
- Although a wedding can be one of the happiest times in a couple's relationship, the stress and anxiety that come from planning the big day can overshadow it.
- Some therapists and counselors like Landis Bejar have devoted their practices to helping anxious brides.
- Learning to act assertive and requesting help when you need it are two strategies that can help manage most stressful wedding planning scenarios.
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Although a wedding can be one of the happiest times in a couple's relationship, the stress and anxiety that come from planning the big day can overshadow it.
To help married-couples-to-be, and especially brides, deal with the massive expectations that often come with a wedding, some therapists and counselors have devoted their practices to the topic.
One of those people is Landis Bejar, a New York State-licensed mental health counselor who founded AisleTalk, a company that offers "therapeutic services" to brides on everything from finances to indecisiveness to bringing two families of different backgrounds together.
According to Bejar, her wedding-centered counseling can help any kind of couple get through the issues unique to their situation.
"Even if you've been with someone for 10 years, there's a big emotional shift in identity that can create pressure" when you're planning your wedding and celebrating the big day, Bejar told Business Insider.
Here, Bejar shares the anxiety-provoking situations she sees most often with her bridal clients and her advice for managing those anxieties.
Don't let your family's expectations determine your entire wedding
According to Bejar, an issue she sees brides dealing with time and time again is how to balance their families' desires with their own. If you can relate, Bejar would tell you that managing family expectations, like those from your mother or future mother-in-law, all comes down to learning to assert yourself.
"I think a lot of people getting married need support with being more assertive in many other areas of their lives, but the wedding is first or most significant place where it's coming up," Bejar said.
Although what "asserting yourself" looks like depends on you and your spouse-to-be, it generally involves getting a clear idea about you both want out of the wedding and then reinforcing those wants in a stern but respectful way.
Once you know your wedding must-haves, whether that's a three-course dinner, an ice cream sundae bar, or a Mariachi band, it's important to take note of the existing relationship you and your partner have with your families.
If either your parents or your partner's parents are helping to fund the wedding, for example, their opinions may hold a bit more weight in the planning process. But if your father is set on inviting his dozens of distant cousins to your wedding and you'd prefer a smaller affair, you have to let that be known even if it can feel a bit scary at first, Bejar said.
If you don't see eye-to-eye with a close family member, Bejar recommended having an honest conversation with that person about how their constant suggestions and requests about your big day make you feel.
"Label feelings and actions, not their intentions, because you don't know their intentions," Bejar said. That way, "it's very clear and comes from a genuine, vulnerable place. Most reasonable people are receptive to that, and if they're not, that says something."
Enlist loved ones to help you "buffer" expected stressors
In addition to wedding planning-related anxieties, Bejar said day-of stressors are another big problem for brides.
The actual wedding day can fly by since, in comparison to the months of planning, it's only a brief moment in time. Because of this, many brides worry they won't be in the moment during their weddings because they're focused on all of the elements being just so or placating certain guests that they might not want to be around.
If you can pinpoint these potential situations before the wedding day, you can get a close friend or relative to help you stay in the moment, Bejar said.
"Sit down and take inventory of 'my people' and who is offering to help you," she said. If your bridesmaids or cousins have asked how they can help you out, for example, and you know you can't stand talking to your partner's aunt, assign them the duty of keeping said aunt occupied all night. That way, you can focus on what's important to you while keeping all of your guests happy.
"Talk with that person beforehand and figure out how they can help and be a buffer for you without fully controlling them," Bejar said.