How to know if you should have an open marriage or just work on improving your current relationship
- As societal norms continue to be challenged, more and more people are considering trading in their monogamous marriages for non-monogamous, or open, relationships.
- Before you open up to your partner about wanting to open up your marriage, you have to do some serious soul-searching and determine why you're interested in doing so.
- If your emotional or sexual needs aren't being met in your current relationship, you should address them with your spouse before having a discussion about opening the marriage.
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As societal norms continue to be challenged, more and more people are considering trading in their monogamous marriages for non-monogamous, or open, relationships.
A June 2016 study in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found that 1 in 5 Americans has tried a consensual non-monogamous relationship, where they have multiple romantic partners at the same time and everyone participating in the arrangement agrees to it, at some point in their life.
If you're currently married and such an arrangement sounds tempting, it's important to do some serious soul-searching to determine why you're interested in it before you talk to your partner about it, Manhattan-based couples therapist Bukky Kolawole told Insider.
When someone is interested in opening their marriage, he said, it's usually for one of two potential reasons - but only one of those reasons is appropriate while the other can make your existing relationship problems worse.
You shouldn't open your marriage as a way to fix existing problems
"For some people who are non-monogamous or polyamorous, they don't feel like they're their fullest selves in monogamous relationships," Kolawole said. But other folks become interested in polyamorous relationships because they believe they can get something out of the arrangement their partner isn't able to offer them, like hotter sex or simply more attention.
Read more: 6 habits that are secretly sabotaging your relationship, according to therapists
Prior to broaching the topic with your partner, consider which of these camps you fall under (chatting with a couple's therapist could help). If it's the latter, an open marriage may not be the best idea for you and your partner.
Sexual fulfillment is an important part of a successful relationship, but that's something you should first try to seek within your marriage, even if on the surface you think you and your partner's sex life or communication skills are already as good as they're going to get.
Before you really consider an open relationship, have an honest conversation with your spouse
Rather than asking your partner about trying polyamory right off the bat, be honest with them about what you want in the bedroom, like more foreplay or role playing, if that's your thing. Chances are they didn't realize your sexual needs weren't being met, and they'll be willing - and likely excited - to work on your requests.
If this conversation sounds impossible to initiate, your marriage will suffer if you open your relationship. Think about it: If you can't even communicate openly about sex within your own marriage, how will you navigate having sex with other people while maintaining that relationship?
You should also consider whether there's something non-sexual that's appealing to you about an open relationship. Perhaps you subconsciously feel you're not getting enough attention from your partner, or that you miss having the deep conversations that can come more naturally during the honeymoon phase of a relationship.
If your emotional needs aren't being met, you should also address them with your spouse before having a discussion about opening the marriage.
Be vulnerable during your conversations
After that, if you still want an open relationship, Kolawole said it's important to bring vulnerability into that conversation with your spouse.
Read more: How to know if you've fallen out of love - and if your relationship is salvageable
"Share what you're curious about and why you feel that way with the understanding your partner could have a range of responses, whether curiosity, panic, or anger," she said. "People can get triggered about their own stuff, so also recognize your partner may take it personally."
You can't control whether your partner gets upset over your open marriage inquiry, but you can open a channel for honest communication. That will serve your relationship well - regardless of the outcome of just that one chat.