How to know if someone is a serial cheater or if they've actually made a mistake, according to a therapist
- The saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" suggests every person who has an affair is destined to do it again, but that's not always the case.
- Factors like where a person is in their life, how they feel in a specific relationship, or how they feel about themselves at any given moment can influence cheating motivations.
- Serial cheaters, on the other hand, tend to cheat because of their personalities rather than their circumstances.
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The phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" has been used time and again to suggest that any person who has one affair is sure have another in the future.
Although these types of people exist, there are also cheaters whose actions really are a one-time occurrence, according to Tammy Nelson, a psychotherapist and independent consultant for Ashley Madison, a dating service with the tagline "Life is short. Have an Affair."
"People have tried to put cheating in categories, but I think there are different kinds and different needs and reasons for cheating," Nelson said.
More specifically, there are people who cheat because it's part of who they are and people who cheat because of circumstances in their lives that may have driven them to do so.
Serial cheaters' personalities drive them to cheat time and time again
Serial cheaters do exist, but they tend to do so for reasons that have more to do with their personalities than their circumstances.
"Maybe they're turned on by dishonesty," Nelson said. "[They have an] inability to commit to monogamy but are also not honest enough to ask for an open relationship."
Some serial cheaters may be driven in part by their own shortcomings in the bedroom.
One 2011 study found that men with performance anxiety in the bedroom were more likely to cheat than those with no performance problems, perhaps because the cheaters needed a greater level of excitement (in the form of an affair) in order to perform. Having sex with someone you don't know well could also lower the stakes of being unable to perform, the researchers said.
Nelson said serial cheaters may also have an attachment disorder or narcissism. Narcissists are characterized as selfish yet charming, so while it may seem they have your best interests at heart, they're likely just thinking about themselves. An affair may seem like no big deal to a narcissist.
"Their need for attention and admiration is never-ending," clinical psychologist Candace V. Love told Business Insider.
When it comes to those with attachment disorders, Nelson said these people view their partners almost like parental figures, an outlook that usually stems from childhood experiences.
"[The cheater] makes it seems like they need a safe home base with a partner but then acts like an adolescent saying 'You can't tell me what to do' and 'I'm going to do what I want,' instead of just being single and clear about their values," Nelson said.
The cheater may even believe they are doing themselves and their partner a favor by staying in a relationship but cheating on the side.
Not all cheaters are destined to have more than one affair
Not every cheater is a self-centered or malicious person.
"Some cheat to stay in their marriage," Nelson said. Even though it's generally not the best option, cheating can act as a coping mechanism for someone who doesn't know how to deal with relationships problems, stress, or feelings of inadequacy.
As a result, they may cheat and later realize their behavior wasn't the best option. If someone is able to figure this out, wants to be better in the future, and is willing to put in the work - both in therapy and on their own - it's a sign they don't actually want to cheat and likely didn't want to to begin with. It's a lesson learned in what not to do, according to Nelson.
Factors like where a person is in their life, how they feel in a specific relationship, or how they feel about themselves at any given moment can also influence cheating motivations, Nelson said.
A person may cheat, for example, if they are lacking self-confidence; getting attention from a person outside their relationship can make them feel important and desirable. A cheater may also have an affair out of resentment for their partner, according to Nelson.
But those circumstances aren't constant, so the idea that any person who has cheated will definitely do so again in the future doesn't necessarily hold true.
If you or your partner has had an affair, you'll need to have an honest conversation about how your relationship needs to evolve, Nelson said.
She said couples need to renegotiate the terms of their partnership after an affair, whether that means one person needs more emotional or sexual attention, or more support in a certain area, like work or taking care of the kids.
Only then can a couple rebound and start their marriage over, in a sense.
"If you are going to wake up and change your relationship and [yourself], it could be an incredible moment," Nelson said.