I spent $40 terrifying myself on carnival rides at Formula One's Austin race, and I've never had more fun

• During Formula One's US Grand Prix weekend in Austin, I decided to ride all of the carnival rides.
• The rides were part of Circuit of The Americas' "COTA Land" and were spread out all over the track.

I didn't show up to Formula One's US Grand Prix in Austin planning to behave like a middle-schooler in a mall parking lot, but then I saw it: the Swingy Thingy, an awful contraption, actually named the "Skyscraper." The Swingy Thingy - complete with guttural screams from riders and long, industrial, knife-shaped arms that whizzed through the air at horrifying speeds - was one of many carnival rides dotting the track that weekend. When I saw it, I knew what I had to do.

I had to ride them all.

The carnival rides were part of Circuit of The Americas' "COTA Land," and you had to buy tickets instead of paying cash to ride. The tickets were $4 apiece, and my friend and colleague Elizabeth Blackstock and I spent $40 each.

Elizabeth tried a handful of carnival rides with me and ranked them for Jalopnik. She did the same for F1's line of fragrances, which we both tried out in a sweaty tent on Saturday afternoon.

I'm going to stick to the rides. We didn't get to all of them - we had to work, after all - but here are the ones we did try, ranked from worst to best.

6. Go-karting (closed)

I had high hopes for Circuit of The Americas' kart track. I thought it would take the top spot in the rankings.

After all, you're not bound to rails on a roller coaster or strapped into a contraption you can't control. It's a "choose your own adventure" type of deal. You can race your competitors, or you can wreck them. You can go slow, or you can go fast. I would hope you can do burnouts if you win. (You probably can't.)

But when we arrived, there were no adventures to choose from. Circuit of The Americas expanded the VIP parking into the area, with large SUVs parked over the outlines of my dear, sweet karting track and a fence keeping me out.

I had grand plans for karting at F1. I would load up, invite every F1 driver to join me via tweet, and then call all of them cowards for not showing up. It never happened, and I think that's a real shame.

5. The zip line (3 tickets, $12)

The zip line is probably the most well-known ride at Circuit of The Americas. It has prime positioning over the track's elevated first turn, and it reels two riders at a time up over the massive spectator hill before dropping them down - all with a lovely view of the front stretch and starting grid.

Here's a video from someone else, since I refused to take my phone up there:

But the zip line's reputation means two things: It's pricier than most rides, and a whole lot of people want to do it. The line for the ride was backed up even on Friday, which was the first spectator day of the weekend, and we waited 48 whole minutes for our turn. (The ride itself isn't long, but the loading and unloading process is.)

I was kind of freaked out when we finally got on. There was only a thin lap belt holding us into the seats, and when I asked the operator what to hold onto, they pointed to a tiny handle near my thigh.

"That's the 'Oh shit' handle," they said as they strapped us in.

"Oh shit!" I responded. I grabbed it.

But I'm sorry to say that the most exhilarating part was the anticipation. The ride down was just a nice breeze.

I didn't need the "Oh shit" handle at all, and I certainly didn't need to wait 48 minutes for that when I could have been doing other things.

4. Bull riding (free)

This entry is a bit of a freebie for Circuit of The Americas since it wasn't part of the track's "COTA Land" rides. It was actually an ad, and I happily gave the operators my email address because I really don't care who has my email address, and I wanted to ride the mechanical bull.

The bull was inviting. It was bright pink, surrounded by blue, air-filled padding, and a clock off to the side counted how long each rider stayed on. I was introduced as "Cowgirl Alanis" before I got on, which is a halfway-accurate description of me.

I stayed on the bull for about eight seconds. Cowgirl Elizabeth lasted about two. Watching others, we realized our fatal flaw: In our efforts to look professional in the media center, we had worn pants.

The people who stayed on the bull the longest had bare legs and were able to grip it. We, on the other hand, slid right off.

The bull was good because I can finally say I rode a mechanical bull. The bull was bad because it kind of hurts when you get thrown off and land poorly. Overall, I do not regret it.

3. The Caterpillar (1 ticket, $4)

Elizabeth and I spotted the Caterpillar kiddie coaster from a mile away and knew we had to participate. We made sure we were tall enough for the ride before spending money on the ticket.

We were the only childless people on the coaster, but I would argue that we are children. The Caterpillar was our last ride of the day - and a wonderful recovery from the horror of the Swingy Thingy, our runner-up winner - that inched up inclines, like a caterpillar, and also made little caterpillar motions over wavy parts of the coaster.

While the parents faked yells for the sake of their children as the ride went on, Elizabeth and I just vibed and took (quite bad) selfies. It was a nice time.

2. The Swingy Thingy, or the "Spinny Thingy" (5 tickets, $20)

As Elizabeth and I reached the front of the line for the Swingy Thingy - which was very short, because most other people at the track had more common sense than either of us - I began to realize that it was a mistake. I don't know who designed the Swingy Thingy, but I do know the idea came to them in a nightmare.

The central idea of the Swingy Thingy is that four people - two in one pod, two in the other - load onto the ride and get hurled in circles at a high rate of speed. The pods they're riding in also make circles, so you can be swinging backward and upside down at the same time.

We were instructed to remove all belongings we cared about before getting on, and Elizabeth still lost half of the bobby pins in her hair. I did not lose anything, but I also couldn't see anything because I had to take off my glasses. It was probably better that way.

The pods go forward for an undetermined amount of circles, stop while the riders load and unload at the bottom, and then go backward for the same amount of time. You can practically touch Saturn from the top, but you don't get to relax, regroup, or enjoy the view while waiting up there - the ride rocks you violently back and forth, making you think you're going to flip upside down.

I choked on my fear and begged for mercy the whole time. Only Elizabeth could hear me. The rocking was the worst part; the helplessness was the second.

After we did our second round of loops and finally got off, I asked the ride operator if the children watching from below could hear us cursing as we went by.

"Probably," they said. I apologize to those children.

1. The Droppy Thingy (1 ticket, $4)

I almost didn't go on the Droppy Thingy, whose formal name is the "Super Shot." It's one of those drop rides we've all done - you load up, ride slowly to the top, then get the floor dropped out from under you - and it looked rather short from the ground. But when Elizabeth and I saw the wait for the zip line and no one riding the Droppy Thingy, we decided to give it a try.

As we climbed to the top, we realized the Droppy Thingy was actually tall enough. It also provided the same famous view as the zip line: Circuit of The Americas' front straightaway and pit lane.

We screamed "Nerds!" at all of the people working on cars instead of riding carnival rides, then we were dropped to the ground. We screamed enough for several people to stare up at us.

The Droppy Thingy was so underestimated by the people around it that we were the only two on the ride. We could have ridden it 48 times instead of waiting for the zip line, although that would have been cost prohibitive and potentially vomit-inducing.

I guess the moral of the story is that the most popular things aren't always the most worthwhile ones. Thanks for teaching us that, Droppy Thingy.