Queer people aren't always read as couples in public. Here's what to do when someone assumes you're with a friend - and why those assumptions can be harmful.

When you're misidentified, it's key to acknowledge how you're feeling. Otherwise, you can easily internalize that reading of your relationship — and find yourself feeling like you don't stack up against more easily legible heterosexual couples. It's very subtle, but you can walk around feeling you're just slightly not as good, Blum said. Your relationship is not quite as legitimate as that one at the other table because the other table has gotten so much more social validation. Allow yourself to feel the hurt or anger or annoyance at that moment, and identify it for what it is. Taking a moment to pause can help you relax and ground yourself after a frustrating interaction — and help you understand what you're experiencing. We want to kind of slow it down, because those feelings can come fast, Blum said. If we take a breath, we can slow it down and just become a little bit more aware of what's going on right now. Blum said there's nothing wrong with taking a pass on educating someone. In other words, you don't have to use your romantic dinner or date as a PSA — it's okay to just let it go in the moment. Outing yourself can always come with risks. You don't need to put you or your date in potential danger. But if you're in a setting where you feel comfortable doing so, educating whoever made the assumption can be a viable option. Blum said that you should avoid trying to attack them for their comment — it may shut down the discussion immediately. If you attack a person, there's a very high likelihood that they really won't hear you and there'll be no change, Blum said. Instead, refocus on something indisputable: your own feelings about the situation. No one can say to you, 'You're not feeling this disrespected,' Blum said. No one's going to say that to you. You are the owner, you are the expert of your own feelings. So by simply saying, 'I feel we're disrespected,' hopefully that might evoke some interest and perhaps attention and compassion. Blum said this could arouse the other person's curiosity, instead of sending them straight into defensive mode. Being honest about how you felt — it's a brave and very powerful way of communicating to someone that you're trying to reach rather than shut them down.Establishing a queer network can be a crucial balm, according to Blum. The power of queer friendships has been researched and theorized about at length, and for good reason — the phenomenon of queer chosen families is often rooted in rejection by biological families. Complaining with queer friends when this type of misidentification happens can be healthy, and allows you to ground yourself among people who have been there and done that. I think to undo the impacts of a homophobic world, it's very healthy for most queer people to have at least one intimate friendship with a queer person who's gonna support you and commiserate and validate and share their own same experiences, Blum said.For straight allies, it can be difficult to comprehend their own role in situations like this. And many may feel awkward or worried about offending the potential couple. But Blum said straight allies should feel free to ask questions — the people they're with might appreciate it. For instance, asking how people prefer to be addressed can make a big difference. If you would ask a heterosexual couple in the same situation if they're married, do the same here. Ask them what words they use to address each — like spouse or partner or boyfriend. Normalizing these practices can be both meaningful to your queer friends, and usher in larger change. Faster change occurs when the majority takes some responsibility for trying to create a more equal social environment, Blum said.

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Queer people aren't always read as couples in public. Here's what to do when someone assumes you're with a friend - and why those assumptions can be harmful.

Acknowledge how you're feeling

Next, take a breath

Make a choice whether to let it go — or turn it into a teaching moment

Seek out support from queer friends

How straight allies can prevent these situations